The Snow
Today was better because I didn't feel like I was carrying the grotesqueness, but sad because I began to realise I'm no longer the person I used to be :(
SO IT SNOWED!!!!! It does invoke a poignant sense of sentimentality and sad nostalgia due to the pathetic fallacy :( so today at lunch I was in the library doing poetry and the person was like 'its snowing' and I was like 'no its rain' and then about twenty mins later HENCH FLAKES FLOODED THE WORLD!!!!!!!! HOW HE FORESHADOW????!!?!?!?! and literally it only took about three minutes to go from grotesque dreary northampton to wintery wonderland filled snapchats :3 and I just had an insatiable desire to walk in it, not even touch it, just have the flakes become entangled in the interspersion of my spiral curls.
OKay, so I was extremely stressed because I have to have submitted my coursework question and detailed plan by tonight, I may or may have not just missed a concert thus need to fabricate a convincing lie, went to see the dilapidated ruins of a bungalow where my mother wants her, her fiancé and I to live. And its all because of our horrible lodger :(( (who is friends with my dad and will be going back to Germany in about a month)
My mother deserves a chance to run away and escape the abhorrence and animosity, but I can't do it :((
I understand because today I figured out the perfect way to escape SPortandRECreation yet still get full attendance!!! So after changing, we all meet in the sports hall to take the register and then its 12pm and the tichr is like 'ok who wants to go weights room?????? ok bi' and then about 30% of the group (moi inc.) wait about a min for the other teacher to open it up and go in and observe and do yoga in the corner. But when we leave, I could just surreptitiously slip back into the changing rooms, change back into my suit, wait until the coast is as clear as walter white's crystal meth ;););)
Likewise, she plans to 'cheat' in a similar way to me
I might move in with my dad
But how will I tell my mother??? It will fragment her and then she might offer to stay but i can't let her live in a superficially beautiful house integrally infested with deep grained contempt and conflictual abhorrence :( BUT she works from 3-9pm every week day plus the ENTIRE weekend so I only really see her like a minute a day ://((
Thus, as I usually do under stress, I suppress, listen to music in bed and hope to fall asleep. ALSO SO SCARED because we learned in psychology today suppressing one's emotions can lead to cancer :((:(:(:(:( bBut after being concealed behind a facade for so long, the masquerade is all I know :((
Subsequently, I decided to do something I've been wanting to do for so long but never found the audacity: I left my house on my own!!! Like it was the peak perfect conditions: cold night thus inciting a sense of empowerment due to the absence of natural light and heat; only saw one human roam the streets and I encircled an entire square of houses!! PLUS NEED ONE MENTIONNÉ LE SNOW???? Since the lodgers leave the central heating on 24/7 (not even hyperbolic literally I have all my windows open yet I can never breathe properly), I just had to escape the asphyxiating abhorrence of the heat. Honestly, clawing fistfuls of snowballs off of people's cars was the best feeling ever!!!!! Despite the fact I have abraded my fingertips to a raw red vulnerability, feeling the flakes amalgamate and solidify from fluffy frothy fragments of flakes to glacial stone solid cores as cold as my heart; as hard as my soul was just beautiful.
But an integral constituent of the benevolence was Sia: 'Chandelier', 'Big Girls Cry' and 'Elastic Heart' were just the perfect songs to epitomise and release the feelings of abhorrence during the latter not so trepidatious trek.
And also clawing the ice and snow off other people's cars with the ominous threat that they may be watching or that I may trigger the sound and also walking past my hairdressers and seeing the lovely low lights and remembering that however much easier and less stressful my life would be, my mother did not carry me in her womb for eight months and a week for my highest qualification to be a BTEC in hair and beauty. But then equally she didn't have my consent to be born so I think I would be mostly justified tbh ngl
The thing is, I love being on my own when I'm on my own, but the anxiety derives from being on my own when in the presence of other people.
INVISIBILITY IS THE DREAM
Also, whilst walking I decided which question I shall do for my coursework: the use and abuse of power. I really wanted to explore unrequited relationships/ love and isolation but they are all areas of my expertise thus choosing impulsively was the best I hope.
But seriously if you feel sad just go for a walk in the dark I feel like a completely different person to just an hour ago. And also, sad spelled backwards is das and if u sad DAS NOT GOOD MY FRIEND (yes all three of u)
also its the frequiest fuqen feeling typing with completely numbed fingertips o.0 \T/
SO IT SNOWED!!!!! It does invoke a poignant sense of sentimentality and sad nostalgia due to the pathetic fallacy :( so today at lunch I was in the library doing poetry and the person was like 'its snowing' and I was like 'no its rain' and then about twenty mins later HENCH FLAKES FLOODED THE WORLD!!!!!!!! HOW HE FORESHADOW????!!?!?!?! and literally it only took about three minutes to go from grotesque dreary northampton to wintery wonderland filled snapchats :3 and I just had an insatiable desire to walk in it, not even touch it, just have the flakes become entangled in the interspersion of my spiral curls.
OKay, so I was extremely stressed because I have to have submitted my coursework question and detailed plan by tonight, I may or may have not just missed a concert thus need to fabricate a convincing lie, went to see the dilapidated ruins of a bungalow where my mother wants her, her fiancé and I to live. And its all because of our horrible lodger :(( (who is friends with my dad and will be going back to Germany in about a month)
My mother deserves a chance to run away and escape the abhorrence and animosity, but I can't do it :((
I understand because today I figured out the perfect way to escape SPortandRECreation yet still get full attendance!!! So after changing, we all meet in the sports hall to take the register and then its 12pm and the tichr is like 'ok who wants to go weights room?????? ok bi' and then about 30% of the group (moi inc.) wait about a min for the other teacher to open it up and go in and observe and do yoga in the corner. But when we leave, I could just surreptitiously slip back into the changing rooms, change back into my suit, wait until the coast is as clear as walter white's crystal meth ;););)
Likewise, she plans to 'cheat' in a similar way to me
I might move in with my dad
But how will I tell my mother??? It will fragment her and then she might offer to stay but i can't let her live in a superficially beautiful house integrally infested with deep grained contempt and conflictual abhorrence :( BUT she works from 3-9pm every week day plus the ENTIRE weekend so I only really see her like a minute a day ://((
Thus, as I usually do under stress, I suppress, listen to music in bed and hope to fall asleep. ALSO SO SCARED because we learned in psychology today suppressing one's emotions can lead to cancer :((:(:(:(:( bBut after being concealed behind a facade for so long, the masquerade is all I know :((
Subsequently, I decided to do something I've been wanting to do for so long but never found the audacity: I left my house on my own!!! Like it was the peak perfect conditions: cold night thus inciting a sense of empowerment due to the absence of natural light and heat; only saw one human roam the streets and I encircled an entire square of houses!! PLUS NEED ONE MENTIONNÉ LE SNOW???? Since the lodgers leave the central heating on 24/7 (not even hyperbolic literally I have all my windows open yet I can never breathe properly), I just had to escape the asphyxiating abhorrence of the heat. Honestly, clawing fistfuls of snowballs off of people's cars was the best feeling ever!!!!! Despite the fact I have abraded my fingertips to a raw red vulnerability, feeling the flakes amalgamate and solidify from fluffy frothy fragments of flakes to glacial stone solid cores as cold as my heart; as hard as my soul was just beautiful.
But an integral constituent of the benevolence was Sia: 'Chandelier', 'Big Girls Cry' and 'Elastic Heart' were just the perfect songs to epitomise and release the feelings of abhorrence during the latter not so trepidatious trek.
And also clawing the ice and snow off other people's cars with the ominous threat that they may be watching or that I may trigger the sound and also walking past my hairdressers and seeing the lovely low lights and remembering that however much easier and less stressful my life would be, my mother did not carry me in her womb for eight months and a week for my highest qualification to be a BTEC in hair and beauty. But then equally she didn't have my consent to be born so I think I would be mostly justified tbh ngl
The thing is, I love being on my own when I'm on my own, but the anxiety derives from being on my own when in the presence of other people.
INVISIBILITY IS THE DREAM
Also, whilst walking I decided which question I shall do for my coursework: the use and abuse of power. I really wanted to explore unrequited relationships/ love and isolation but they are all areas of my expertise thus choosing impulsively was the best I hope.
But seriously if you feel sad just go for a walk in the dark I feel like a completely different person to just an hour ago. And also, sad spelled backwards is das and if u sad DAS NOT GOOD MY FRIEND (yes all three of u)
also its the frequiest fuqen feeling typing with completely numbed fingertips o.0 \T/
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