Terrence Loves You

Title is completely irrelevant but it's just a beautiful song I love how lDR so elusively alludes David Bowie I can already tell Honeymoon is gonna be a killer compared to ultraviolence I don't think ive ever felt this way about an album I only know 3/14ths of!!
So I had my first psychology lesson today we started addiction and I thought I'd be okay but Miranda said to me 'where's jack??' And I just paused and tentatively replied 'I don't know' and I pressed my head against the table and cried for like a minute and rubbed my eyes dry but they went all sparkly red but I recovered and miss just tapped my shoulder and said hello with a soft sympathetic detachment as she collected my work and everything's the same I just feel him there but I gotta forget about him and I was so close but return to environment just brings it all back :(( but the teacher was nice bc she didn't mention him and she just said I could work with holly (idk who that is) or sam and the other person and I asked if I could work with sam which I'm so glad I did because he doesn't remember every conversation we have like I do so its exiting reliving them and his complement game is always so strong he was the only person who noticed I'd got a new suit a couple of months ago and today he told me my writing was so neat and I was so flattered because I don't even like it that much!! But the next time I pressed my pen to the paper I realised I kind of do and his innocent comment has made such a perpetual imprint and he may never know but I will and I'll think of this when I continue to reprimand myself until I see the formation of my words👣

I don't know why but since returning to school all I feel is an everlasting emptiness probably deriving from no longer comparing daily timehops with Georgerai in form :(( an emptiness that can only be filled with this viscous but weightless ephemeral liquid cement as the anxiety solidifies within my soul filling it to full capacity and causing expansion as it freezes to the point I just want it to burst even if it means loosing everything but it never quite gets there because before I know it has dissipated and filtrated through my veins displacing the surpluses of relinquishing blood restoring the insatiable internalised emptiness.

What drains me so I don't know but how I do \|/ it

I watched my mother as I waited whilst envisioning my life without her when I finally have the audacity to let go and not look back, not ever. I wondered how long it would take for me to miss her, finding whilst thinking I began missing her. But I realised i already lost her so long ago there would be nothing to miss, for there is no one less and I use her to diffuse my undying hatred and it's not fair but there's nothing else I can do because I'm at the point where I have no longer the power to control anything about myself i just feel so blank and contemptuous I'm actually squidward

I'm gonna go, and I'm never coming back. I want to tell her I have no doubt that some day I will forgive you and someday you'll forgive me for leaving you but I don't know if we'll ever understand why we did the things we do to each other.

I hate my life so much to the extent I actually hate myself and my sentences are getting longer and more disjointed and loosing their aqueous fluidity as my perceptual eyes are losing their rationality so evidently everything in my life I'm doing wrong and if there's one thing I learned from spongebob its that darkness is okay, (advanced darkness still has me equivocating to be honest) but once you've hit rock bottom and you've fought your way through adversity and sacrifice to find a gateway out, you've gotta take it and not look back in spite of what's coming this way because if you see the closest ones to you spiral down you must allow them the pain to live through fortitude to grow and finally claw their way back but never really return because they never truly existed like that but fell through a sieve to purify themselves as the impure flour and there is something that forces them back through it and you can't take it because what you thought was a benevolent snow on the mountain was actually inherently corrupted by the soil beneath the feet of Mrs Henry Lafayette Dubosé

But you have to let them because after a demise of disillusionment it's the finding the small pathway out to liberation that rebuilds us

They say the gates to hell are wide but heaven is a squeeze so if you wanna just chill in purgatory I don't blame you might see you there someday but knowing me better than anyone else ever will I'm going straight down under aND IM DRAGGING YOU DOWN WITH OR WITHOUT ME

But seriously if I was walking out of purgatory and hell was right there all gothic and warm and I could make out a gap in the clouds where heaven is id be like ????? Is this a hoax ????? AQA I bet you're having a real nice laugh rn trying to trick me but I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE AN ADVERTENT DECIET IN YOUR PAPER WATCH ME WALK RIGHT THROUGH THESE FLAMES AS I BURN TO PIECES AND MY ASHES trail behind me like confetti and you will pick up the fragments and disperse me throughout every paper you ever print until they realise you don't actually even look at what people write so every summer when the students feel they just died just a little inside we'll know it's me imbuing them with my eternal magic from the eternal death 

Some people need to stay by the flames to sustain themselves amid destroying themselves 

But I burn alone and I discard anyone who tries to join me like an old ball of paper mâché because I walk through that fire and split it like the waves and I ignite my soul leaving not a trace but the tail of my mane 

Oh my god what actually happens though if you kill yourself in hell lol is there a post-afterlife?? Do you go to an anti-underworld??? Maybe that's what satan did wow the subversion stays strong but I think that's enough for one night bi 

 quote of the night: "Miss Everdeen, it's the things we love most that destroy us"
- President Snow 

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