ALIVE
This past week has been crazy I've been staying with my dad more and Sia, Lady GaGa, One Direction and Lana Del Rey have all released the most beautiful music in like a week it's all too much I think I'm overdosing on dopamine I had a dream I smoked some cannabis recreationally and it was scary because it didn't feel as good as music but honestly despite being doped up in a dream envision I felt less out of touch with reality than I have in a long time this is worrying
From the moment I saw her I knew she was the sia and she'd basically just saved my life and I couldn't even concentrate knowing she was opposite me
Towards the end she joined me and Michael on the other side and spoke to me and we had this nonpareil of godly exhanges:
the Sia: 'I love your hair!!!!'
the doodle lord: {{{W T G F AGm J THE siA juTSt said she licked my hair om g g g g hiw is this real I didn't even condition this morning how is this happening}}
'Thank you I like your hair too!!'
the Sia: how long did it take to grow
the dodlé: about three years
el Slia: worth it (lol she probably wrote that song)
el doodle pod: haha thanks\
for the rest of the day I wondered if that was the correct response and if those were to be my final words to her, would I regret and was this enough to smile if I saw her in the concourse?? Because lol seriously my teachers blank me I doubt she'll even remember me
When our group was waiting to play the nice new pe teacher person asked what year every one was in and they all said twelve and he spoke to them and they conjectured about the scary year 13 girls and assumed they were just another strain of year 12s but I had not the power to reveal the truth and they probably thought I was a year 12 lol
And then near the end of the lesson he asked me what year I was in and I said 13 and he asked me if I liked it here and I was just like 'no I hate it can't wait to leave' and he was surprisingly sympathetic saying yeah he can see how tough it must be but I will love university (um not sure I can agree when people said sixth form was the best) I'm hoping to apply to Birmingham, Kent (Canturbury), Westminster and possibly UEA because Owen Sheers and Ian McEwan both went there and they both have this magical way with words but I need AAA and its not even a good uni) Although Birmingham is the best Kent looks good because they have an English and American Literature and Creative Writing course with an approved year abroad in like hong konq and my cousin is moving there next month [one is currently in London; tomorrow may be the last time one ever sees her :((] bc lawyer (who went to Birmingham) and my aunt (who you'll remember from singapore) lives there but I don't think I would do that because I would return and cry for the final year when everyone i ever knew was gone and Id lost everything and hopefully get foreign accent syndrome and change my name to polly and wake up chinese guys before you die make sure you watch 'the woman who woke up chinese' because it'll ensure you a place in the underworld when you realise you're capable of such sadistic laugher and theres no waY Im going down there if Im not dragging you with me
It was poignant seeing how oblivious the year 12s were I remember this time last year I was just trying to avoid all the externals until eventually Charlie coerced me to speak to Hannah and Lauren (thank u btw)
Also I notice everyone is stressing about predicted grades and trying to get their teachers to change them bc apparently its all the unis care about but miss went through the AS results with me on that Thursday two weeks ago in psychol and she was so nice and kept saying I need to know that I actually did so well bc a lot of people flunked but ffs how hard would it have been to pass this subject oh idk maybe if you actually don't let me get stood up and actually let me give you all the notes Id prepared for you instead of leaving me to wait my tears might evaporate and dissipate before they have a chance to soil my desk every lesson and blur my notes as you one blurred the boundaries of my consciousness wow this is crazy Im getting so in the zone I feel like my fingers are just on autopilot bc Im blurring out my vision and my fingers are just like printing my thoughts its so weird
So I met so many people that day!! I just wish I could talk to them because whenever they say something or try to engage me I just laugh and nod :{ but its literally impossible when you have social anxiety because Ive tried in the past but you shout it out
but I can't hear a word you say
Im talking loud
not saying much
Im criticised
but all your bullets ricochet
shoot me down
but I get up
(excpet I stay down and push myself further into the ground but then even the grass shoots are more powerful then me so they just push me bak uppp
But omg this can't just be a coincidence sia is my god she watches me she even wrote a song that was supposedly about empowering resilience but no its really a canton of contemned social anxiety disorder Sia is life and even if this isn't really her idc because I feel like I met her that day and my life has almost been completed also alive is so good I'm disappointed because it's more mainstream pop but I hear echoes of chandelier the second Georgerai told me it was on Apple Music I ran to the toilets after LGBT club and felt my life almost begin to piece itself back together now I just gotta invent a cure for anxiety and figure out how to tell my mum I want to leave her without watching her cry
which I kind of did Ive basically moved in with my dad bc I just keep saying to my mum 'can I go to dads pls' and she's jus like 'ok' but I forgot my suit on weds night so had to go back on thurs morning but I'm thinking of staying at my mums from mon eve - weds eve and spend the rest with my dad for now and I may decide to move there more because I love it no Michael and my dad has loads of TVs so he gave me one for my room and I just spent all weekend listening to honeymoon and playing Pokemon Collosseum on the GameCube (best game since the Simpsons hit and run ngl) and my room may not be as big but it's nice bc I framed + put up my born this way poster and cleared out all the clutter and final let go of this superfluous materialistic possessions and hopefully gonna go to ikea and get a mirror and stuff and have a revamp maybe paint the red wall teal bc the room is mostly green with one purple wall and lavender sprinkles on the skirting and windowsills but I'm so excited to put up my posters and get a new pillow and pillow case and everything it's gonna be so fun starting afresh it already feels like a completely different room and it's not like my old room but I feel safe there and when it's completed I know I'll actually feel alive for once now that i know my hairs have the callous capability to murder me with such elusive complacency
So two Thursdays ago was a v special day in my life: I met the sia!!!! In the sprecs there was no yoga so my only other option that was close to inactivity was the tennis which I immediately regretted because it was literally just year twelves and then the popular year 13 girls who are scary however this week they saw me and asked if I wanted to join them but aiden had attached himself to me so I said 'sorry but I have an aiden' and gestured to the figured outside the court who was fetching the ball like a lost dog and they were just like 'haha you're with him' but I was not embarrassed because this person is even more ignored then me and he knows it but he's not afraid to speak so I admire his audacity.
But two weeks ago I had no one so I just hovered around and then the new v v attractive pe teacher with an even more beautiful name (mr winters) who I actually really like idk who but he reminds me of someone unsure if its just the northern accent i can't think who he resembles but seeing me trying to blend as the air does with the transparency of the sea despite knowing there will always be that black mark of its inherent blue hue (rhyme game bRING IT ON COME AT ME) he came to me and asked what I was doing and I was just like 'Idk' [[[[I ask myself this e v e r y d a Y \I/]]] so he placed his hand on my hairs where they fall (off my head) down to like the centre of my back and guided me softly but coercively to the lower court and was like 'yo ok he's gonna be with you guys if that's okay' and it was the most awk thing bc these were the year 11 lads (ok 12 now but ok) who all knew me but were scary year 12s now so I just tried to sustain my futile attempts at invisibility and not get too embarrassed when I couldn't even hit the ball but then in the middle of the second game he called me over and I thought he was gonna be like 'r a f the doodle u thinq ur such a poodle do u that u don't even have to even do it ok u run the game now??? come at me fight me boi' and then he would lift me up by the hairs that once hung on the delicate threshold threatening to fall and he'd tie me to the fence with them, letting me hang ensuring I die slowly enough to feel the file of each fibre tear apart my flesh but quickly enough so that my dying thought is: ok thank you hairs wherever I am I can always count on u to fall out but the ONE time I actually needed you to shed from my physical body when you know there is no getting rid of you because you're cemented within the icy cores of my souls what do you do ok you just stay there like a bitch until gravity eventually pulls me to the underworld like a grass rooted in its soil but you know what I can live without my soil but I cannot survive without my black blades of sand waves
I loved you and you murdered me hairs
How is it the one thing that gives me life, the only thing that ever truly allowed me to feel alive, can also be the one thing that drags you to your decadent demise
Converse to my expectation on the long road (from the far tennis court to the centre on ) to what I anticipated would be my trajectory to my demise, he was just like 'these guys need your help!!' and there were 3 year 12 externals plus Michael de Lancé who I knew quite well during my emo days in year 10 and i couldn't believe this was happening: one of the externals was no other than the divinity of Sia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Converse to my expectation on the long road (from the far tennis court to the centre on ) to what I anticipated would be my trajectory to my demise, he was just like 'these guys need your help!!' and there were 3 year 12 externals plus Michael de Lancé who I knew quite well during my emo days in year 10 and i couldn't believe this was happening: one of the externals was no other than the divinity of Sia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From the moment I saw her I knew she was the sia and she'd basically just saved my life and I couldn't even concentrate knowing she was opposite me
Towards the end she joined me and Michael on the other side and spoke to me and we had this nonpareil of godly exhanges:
the Sia: 'I love your hair!!!!'
the doodle lord: {{{W T G F AGm J THE siA juTSt said she licked my hair om g g g g hiw is this real I didn't even condition this morning how is this happening}}
'Thank you I like your hair too!!'
the Sia: how long did it take to grow
the dodlé: about three years
el Slia: worth it (lol she probably wrote that song)
el doodle pod: haha thanks\
for the rest of the day I wondered if that was the correct response and if those were to be my final words to her, would I regret and was this enough to smile if I saw her in the concourse?? Because lol seriously my teachers blank me I doubt she'll even remember me
When our group was waiting to play the nice new pe teacher person asked what year every one was in and they all said twelve and he spoke to them and they conjectured about the scary year 13 girls and assumed they were just another strain of year 12s but I had not the power to reveal the truth and they probably thought I was a year 12 lol
And then near the end of the lesson he asked me what year I was in and I said 13 and he asked me if I liked it here and I was just like 'no I hate it can't wait to leave' and he was surprisingly sympathetic saying yeah he can see how tough it must be but I will love university (um not sure I can agree when people said sixth form was the best) I'm hoping to apply to Birmingham, Kent (Canturbury), Westminster and possibly UEA because Owen Sheers and Ian McEwan both went there and they both have this magical way with words but I need AAA and its not even a good uni) Although Birmingham is the best Kent looks good because they have an English and American Literature and Creative Writing course with an approved year abroad in like hong konq and my cousin is moving there next month [one is currently in London; tomorrow may be the last time one ever sees her :((] bc lawyer (who went to Birmingham) and my aunt (who you'll remember from singapore) lives there but I don't think I would do that because I would return and cry for the final year when everyone i ever knew was gone and Id lost everything and hopefully get foreign accent syndrome and change my name to polly and wake up chinese guys before you die make sure you watch 'the woman who woke up chinese' because it'll ensure you a place in the underworld when you realise you're capable of such sadistic laugher and theres no waY Im going down there if Im not dragging you with me
It was poignant seeing how oblivious the year 12s were I remember this time last year I was just trying to avoid all the externals until eventually Charlie coerced me to speak to Hannah and Lauren (thank u btw)
Also I notice everyone is stressing about predicted grades and trying to get their teachers to change them bc apparently its all the unis care about but miss went through the AS results with me on that Thursday two weeks ago in psychol and she was so nice and kept saying I need to know that I actually did so well bc a lot of people flunked but ffs how hard would it have been to pass this subject oh idk maybe if you actually don't let me get stood up and actually let me give you all the notes Id prepared for you instead of leaving me to wait my tears might evaporate and dissipate before they have a chance to soil my desk every lesson and blur my notes as you one blurred the boundaries of my consciousness wow this is crazy Im getting so in the zone I feel like my fingers are just on autopilot bc Im blurring out my vision and my fingers are just like printing my thoughts its so weird
So I met so many people that day!! I just wish I could talk to them because whenever they say something or try to engage me I just laugh and nod :{ but its literally impossible when you have social anxiety because Ive tried in the past but you shout it out
but I can't hear a word you say
Im talking loud
not saying much
Im criticised
but all your bullets ricochet
shoot me down
but I get up
(excpet I stay down and push myself further into the ground but then even the grass shoots are more powerful then me so they just push me bak uppp
But omg this can't just be a coincidence sia is my god she watches me she even wrote a song that was supposedly about empowering resilience but no its really a canton of contemned social anxiety disorder Sia is life and even if this isn't really her idc because I feel like I met her that day and my life has almost been completed also alive is so good I'm disappointed because it's more mainstream pop but I hear echoes of chandelier the second Georgerai told me it was on Apple Music I ran to the toilets after LGBT club and felt my life almost begin to piece itself back together now I just gotta invent a cure for anxiety and figure out how to tell my mum I want to leave her without watching her cry
which I kind of did Ive basically moved in with my dad bc I just keep saying to my mum 'can I go to dads pls' and she's jus like 'ok' but I forgot my suit on weds night so had to go back on thurs morning but I'm thinking of staying at my mums from mon eve - weds eve and spend the rest with my dad for now and I may decide to move there more because I love it no Michael and my dad has loads of TVs so he gave me one for my room and I just spent all weekend listening to honeymoon and playing Pokemon Collosseum on the GameCube (best game since the Simpsons hit and run ngl) and my room may not be as big but it's nice bc I framed + put up my born this way poster and cleared out all the clutter and final let go of this superfluous materialistic possessions and hopefully gonna go to ikea and get a mirror and stuff and have a revamp maybe paint the red wall teal bc the room is mostly green with one purple wall and lavender sprinkles on the skirting and windowsills but I'm so excited to put up my posters and get a new pillow and pillow case and everything it's gonna be so fun starting afresh it already feels like a completely different room and it's not like my old room but I feel safe there and when it's completed I know I'll actually feel alive for once now that i know my hairs have the callous capability to murder me with such elusive complacency
Word of the blog: Ebb
- the recession of the tide as the moon draws it away the leaving the cold wet sand exposed like an eyelash after a night of tears.
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