Sacrifice

I asked mrs kennedy if I could move to the other english class because I hate my class bc they literally pretend to not know the answers for banter and just talk over the teacher like she doesn't exist. BUT miss morrison is literally so amazing but Id be lying if I said I don't wish I could be in the other class where all my friends are (georgerai)

Also the two best people in our english lit class have moved to the other group and now our class is small and not so great and it just doesn't feel right anymore but we have miss ellis for coursework and I like her because she's honest and upfront and takes things slowly but we haven't actually started studying anything yet but we have mrs toppinshaw for exam and she is a literal godsend she makes papers for us and tells us how to win at exams with all the top topingshaw secrets no one ever told us about and she writes answers for us and I just cannot fault her ability to teach exam 

BUT 

for coursework she'd be good because she's actually been teaching twelfth night to her other class (which we are yet to start with miss ellis lol we spend so much time amalgamating the tables and talking about books) and she's even been getting them to write answers even!! However, for exam they have mrs buckley and everyone loves her so much bc she's a ledge but truthfully we had her for exam last year and I don't think we learnt a thing. However, I think the other class will be at a disadvantage because whilst they are writing their coursework during lesson time, they will still be taught by mrs buckley but they will miss out on valuable toppinshaw time; whereas, we will continue to be imbued with the godly knowledge of the toppinshaw all year. But now there's hardly anyone I know :((

Then elliott asked me when my psychology lessons are but he has photography when I have psychol and there's only one photography class so he can't move to mine. However, I could move to the other english lit class and then Id be free to move to his class; however, there would be repercussions: 

I would lose my monday morning and tuesday afternoon frees

I would have to move sprec classes

I would lose toppinshaw time 

B U T
((ok maybe spaces were not a good idea))

The class would be more fun (although now I don't really know the people Im feel less judged and less afraid to speak) 

and Id be reunited with elliott and I miss him so much it makes me cry and I know you probably think I cry over such frivolously diminutive things but I would do anything to go back to year nine to sit next to him geography or french once again when I used to have a side parting but then I copied him and we had the same hair but his was better because he used tresseme don't ask why I remember this he was my soul in year nine 

But when I asked mrs kennedy if I could move to the other english language class she subtly implied no because the other class is bigger and the classes need to be equalised so its likely she'll move people from that class to mine WHICH NEVER H A P P E N E D so Im just perpetually stuck and I just feel like all my life Ive always watched my friends unite in the nice classes whilst Im stuck somewhere I don't want to be so Id probably not be allowed to move; although, I saw someone ask the librarian if she could move his timetable around so he could be in the other class and Im pretty sure she had the power to do it ??? but idk this is how oppression feels 

But ultimately the thing is that I was three marks off getting an A in English lit AS (and I would have definitely got an a if the grade boundaries weren't like NINE MARKS HIGHER THIS YEAR NICCEEEEEEEE ONE) and I really don't like my life right now and getting to sit next to Elliott for three doubles a week would make me so happy even if it means I don't get an A next year and I don't get into the university of my dreams (Birmingham) but I only have like eight months left and then Im gonna be reincarnated as I through my old life behind both shoulders and never look back. School may be the root of my suffering sometimes but without it I wouldn't see my beautiful friends and by eliciting the happiness they do sustain my sanity because I do feel like it changes me not seeing them for so long after summer.  

So is it worth it? Potentially sacrificing my future for eight months of happiness three times a week? because right now all I want to do is to tear off my face so I cannot see people looking at me and judging me like a morally ambiguous sinner equivocating the scales in purgatory and pull all my hair up so far above my crown I feel like a blind omnipotent queen who knows she's revered but secretly pretends she is unaware of how people mock her right in front of the contemmpt-deprived tears which secret from her wooden eyes but she has the most perfect pearly smile and she's not afraid to rip out her voice box so she never has to speak again and fear tainting the image people thought she was
There was a time when my laugh box would be the first thing Id sever to pieces after my nose but I honestly cannot recall the last time I truly laughed enough to provoke a fragmented haw.

word of the blog: equivocate (v)
- to deploy ambiguity to masquerade the reality 

Quote of the blog: "you can't change the direction of the wind, but you can always adjust your sails"

- courtesy of georgerai's fortune cookie was this fate playing a game of allegorical aphorism I think so