It's get better

Ok before I start the  title is an allusion to glee when kurt thought he was about to create a gay rights movement by getting this next political tattoo but it ended up saying 'its get better' instead of 'it gets better' lol  also SHOUTOUT to the bus driver who saw me, pulled up and stopped but then didn't open the doors and drove off so I had to wait half an hour for the next bus so I didn't get to school until 10 nice one but this is what happens when you're ugly and invisible but the chew was so funny he didn't say a word when I walked in twenty minutes late I was just like 'sorry' and he acted like he was breaking down and/or had just witnessed a murder or something haha which prompted me to say 'missed the bus' but not gunna lie pretty sure ti was the bus who missed me .

This Tuesday my awakening thoughts did not deviate from why do I even bother staying here when I know I have the power to just (let it) go and never return and never look back bc the past is in the past

But then in the car my mother dropped athousand kilograms of ice onto the scales of vice and said to me: "Ifhsndonnep (close enough) is leaving in December" I was later informed he was an Italian derived lodger currently dwelling in the hireth home/lodger house 

"So we can move back there when he leaves..."

Amid the loud flames of the engine my vision deafened as my jaw fell to the floor and I could feel it dragging like an old mahogany glass table which has long since lost its legs to the irrevocable decay of time facing an ever oscillating linisher paved atop this murderous road. Oh my god lol  in English we learned in the 1600s legs were literally xxx explicit xxx _ corrupt to such an extent TABLE LEGS had covers/ trousers so men would not become aroused 😭😂😅

On the trajectory to school we passed the house that both once was but at the same time never was but perhaps could be actually maybe will be and in the two seconds I had to look at it I tried to envision what it could be like but these were diminutive, dismissive repulsive thoughts because I could hardly even accept that this was a possibility 

I was kind of just silent in awe tethering on the threshold of silent but painless tears but they were so full of unreleasable remorse they hung in my eyes and crystallised as a melancholic veil

Mother was just like 'you okay???? Have I upset you'; I could hardly even answer 

But when I finally began to fathom what had legit just happened my response comprised nothing more than denial as I said to her 'but why would you do this'

Her reply was enigmatic but not as unfathomable as her proposition, which turned out to be an unequivocal assertion!! We're going back!!!

As I stepped out the car to walk into and embrace with fallen lashes but sustained teardrops the gates of hell (l'école) I felt the salty candle wax of tears burn my eyes like the flames of remorse within me as the wind abraded my eyeballs and I realised: omg she's doing this for me when she sacrificed so much to live with Michael now she's losing me she's gonna throw it all away and it's my fault and she's just desperate to keep hold of me what have I done 

So I sat in the library and tried to read my book but I couldn't do anything so I just stared out the glassy walls below and thought about how I'm freaking to Bloody Mary like the loyal monster i am and I can see all these people and they have no idea

ALSO no one will understand how I'm feeling but GaGa just posted this on Instagram 

THE BOOK ON THE TOP IS CALLED HANON AND THE BOOK UNDERNEATH WHICH YOU CSNNOT SEE IS CALLED CZERNY BY CARL CZERNY 

Me and these books go wayyyyy baq like I've known these gs inside out since I was like the nine year old wasteboi so crazy I miss it

the second I get a room with walls that are actually straight so you can actually deviate from the two centimetre boundary in the centre without almost dying of a concussion and praying you would but then this house is possessed by the demonic spirits who just lift you back to life but with the brain cells and keratin strands and memories you lost as your head hits the wall they steal a strand of your life and every day you die a death just a little inside.

That morning I felt so peak all morning i could berely do anything but find my form tutor's unrelenting sardonic sarcasm so hillarious. Mother and I had agreed to meet at the house but by lunch I wasn't ready to walk bc I didn't know what to say but thankfully the sia lords sent the Georgerai bc we iMessaged in the library and as I walked home I reread the grey bubbles until they burst on the superficial surface of my brain encapsulating it within the irridescent heat of the icy bubble oh my god I need to go to Iceland in winter and blow a bubble and see it solidify as it forms and I'll just live amid these beautiful irridescent but incomplete spheres. 

So I arrived at the house and saw the mother in her office working and when she'd finished we sat in the garden and not a word of the conversation from that morning had been revisited; one began to doubt if it really happened. But I told her are you sure you're want to do this because I cannot keep my conscience untainted if you're just doing this bc of me. But she revealed that she misses it too. I asked her what Michael had said and she told me she'd spoken to him and ofc he wasn't happy about it but he said its gotta be done so he'll stay there and we'll be unburdened of him until he comes to visit but the roles will be reversed and as he pathetically fails to tell me what to do I will plug in Adele and play turning tables and he'll have no idea how pathetic he is now the tables have turned and I'll be emancipated of his abhorrent tyranny. 

Oh how the tables will turn

I looked into the weeping willow in the distance and was almost crying with happiness as I said to the mère, "I thought we'd never come back"; "so did I", replied she. 

Although I was so happy bc hopefully we'll get to spend Christmas back home there have been repercussions: understandably, Michael has remorselessly blamed me for taking away his fiancée ((who doesn't even want to marry him and he has no idea lol @ him)), so he hates me about 1268x more than he already did and is being s u c h a bitch to me I just want to cry but I can't because he's entrapped me so far into his cunning web of games he's messing with my mind my emotions are like mashed sweet potato left to boil until the pan itself melts and combines and this enigmatic interspersion is thrown into the freezer (probably amidst the rest of the kitchen) and labelled 'once frozen do not thaw'

Like I've shared with you what he's like but you've only seen like 0.21 of what he is capable of and he's the worst kind of person because he makes me actually believe that I'm a horrible, selfish person when ironically, he is the most egotistical person I know???

I know I should be so happy because although I won't be getting my old room back bc new lodger who is a student at nhtn uni just moved into mine I'll be getting my old old room which I resided in until deep left and reem displaced him (rip) as I displaced her and the room is bigger but no bay windows but still lovely and I'll have my piano once again and I'll be back with Christine and also the two new African lodgers and Michelle who bought summer's incest puppy but locks him in her room all day :((

But Michael knows he's only got three months to make my life as peak as possible and he's not gonna waste a second 

I just hate him so much. Yesterday he gave me an entire years worth of university seminars consisting of him telling me I'm gonna die way before him, (that is likely considering you're 69 and have diabetes) will be the most unpopular person in university and no one will like me because I'm so "abnormal" and selfish but somehow I am also too nice and good looking :-) nice one when you're 69 and have diabetes and I know I'm like the ugliest person I know but somehow he makes me feel worse about myself inside than I perceive myself superficially and beyond. Also I kid you he spent TWENTY MINUTES of this lecturing me on how to wash my hands and that it's not okay to spend more than two minutes in the shower until I have a girlfriend or wife (so not only is he a pedo misogynistic bitch but also a heteronormative bitch) who will also hate me but tbf I wouldn't blame her I mean she should see beyond the masquerade of heterosexuality. Then he tells me how I need to stop wasting time/ money/ water/ environment/ energy after telling me how he loves baths :-) must be nice being able to bathe I miss them so much but I cannot risk stepping anywhere near the bathroom. Also I have to explain my every action down to my breathing to him which will invariably result in a contemptuous chastising, for example yesterday as I was microwaving dinner:

Michael: "Oh are you not eating with us"

Me: "Mum just called me to say shed be back in five mins so to microwave the food"

"Okay I guess I'll make myself useful and set the table. Did this not occur to you???? ((+ the usual stream of questions to deprecate me)) You know sometimes it's nice to think outside of yourself and not be so self-centred all the time and think about other people who do things for you"

Bitch I made you a coffee today and you didn't even say THANQ and you interrupted me whilst I was watching Black Mirror to do your ironing do you literally get a sadistic high off being a sadistic hypocritical ungrateful bitch 

I was already v sad because it was wednesday 30th: three years since the snow queen was lost, so I walked to the old house after school to visit her but christine saw me and called my name so I turned back before I reached the snow region. Christine was holding the pug and I asked how he was and mother she said he was "alright" but I could tell it was an avg-poor mediocre "alright". I was excited to say to her 'promise you two will still be around in december bc guess who's coming back" but mother came to take me and christine was like "I miss hearing the music" (my claire and piano) and I thought my mother was gonna say something so I didn't mention it to her so we left and I didn't get to tell my queen of her nonpareil of her enigmatic beauty nor did I get to see christine's reaction to knowing Id be back :((

Then I was left with the malice of the michael as the mother went to work but thankfully it was Wednesday so my dad saved me from any more of this until next week but idk if I can put up with this anymore these past five months have been h E l l ((and I haven't even got to meet satan wtf this was not the deal)) it's only gonna get worse now so I actually want to move in with my dad until December B U T by doing this I would be backing up Michaels hypothesis that I am a disgusting egocentric child who is purely self-motivated. But my dad is kind he said to me 'you have the key to my place so just come whenev' so I guess I shouldn't feel bad about using him to escape the abhorrence, but what I do feel bad about is basically saying to my mother: ok not gonna see you for a quarter of a year at all ok bi

However, she's gonna arrange for me to teach one of her former students on Tuesday's so maybe I could say to her 'I'll still see you once a week for an hour until December but then I promise you it'll be back to how things were and we'll watch so many orphan black and I'll have something to look forward to in my life.' And also she works literally all the time and Ive been staying at my dads five nights a week so it wouldn't be that different, so it's the logical thing to do but is it the moral thing to do? because however much it would burden my conscience to leave my mother with him until we go, he makes me feel so much worse. Also my mum is always waved on medication like usually he's only mean to me when she's not there but the other day she was like super wavvvved she was like backing him up??????????? please people Im feeling ethically ambivalent and some moral advice would be so appreciated.

Word of the blog: deprave
- to make (someone) immoral/malicious; to corrupt

but before I go let me leave you with some wise words from the beautiful adele: 

"Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave youAs hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down"

I just feel so oppressed like I cannot escape because every word he says, every fractious transient locking of eye contact with him, every condescendingly belittling question he contemns me with is like a thousand paper cuts on the surface of my soul.

Despite the unexpectedly powerful fragility of the paper, the scars are almost invisible as I suppress them by thickening my skin; with each layer I conceal all I am doing to myself is internalising the pain: repressing it further and pushing it deeper into my core so it can corrode my soul and allow his depravity to infect me like a resistant pathogen.