The apocalyspe 🌷

So yesterday was definitely the most exciting day in terms of reality but also was quite good in terms of reverie (v benevolent word: to be pleasantly lost in one's thoughts) bcus dreams were interesting: can only remember fragments such as being in the empty concourse and feeling happy bcus first to the salad bar but then suddenly a stampede of ppl trampled me over :((:( thus subsequently I returned about 40 mins later to find the salad bar had metamorphosed into a malevolent pit of coleslaw!!!!!! But thankfully they were selling Kiwis and Strawberries but I only had enough money for one :(( thankfully Jack was there <3 and he said I should buy the strawberries so I did even though I wanted the kiwis :( but then the strawberries became so expensive when I got there thus I went back and got the kiwis!!!!!!!! but was sad bcus would Jack ever forgive me for defying him? :((:(

Later, as I was going to french I had to walk through mr k's spinach class but ofc in my dreams I know where I am but nothing's ever the same. V trepidatious bcus there were lots of strange people but then there was this person I sat next to who elicited trepidation but also enrapturement bcus he had the most beautiful blue hair, though somehow I knew he was concealing blond roots beneath a turquoise masquerade. Turns out the classroom was actually a coach??? and i didn't even know what was going on but yolo. As the dream progressed my initial limerance subsided but I felt a permeating pain of remorse and emptiness. Only just realised when iMessaging georgerai I think his name was Seth - the protagonist of this novel entitled 'Strange Birds' (based on the eponymous song by Birdy)which he co-created but has now benevolently bestowed the rights to me :} so guys you better be looking forward to summer bcus a fantasy romance novel will be emerging :)))) 

Was sad that I may never see him again though :-(

Although most psychologists would disagree, I genuinely believe dreams are representative of your deepest desires and emotions, thus one will try some dream analysis: 

the empty concourse could symbolise my paradoxical dissonance between my desire to be alone but my abhorrence of the monotony of entrapment that comes with isolation. Thus, this created a compromise because I was in a huge, liberating place I love (school concourse) but alone.

Or so I thought. 

The stampede of people could represent my insignificance and powerlessness even though deep down power is the fuel for my soul. Or that I'm just v small thus v susceptible to a demise amid a rush of ppl. Scared now because that is probably how I'm gonna actually die lol.

My inclination to wanting the sour tang of kiwis over the sweet fruit could be symbolic of how I am becoming bitter with my powerlessness over time and the hairs that keep falling after so many years together THE BETRAYAL IS NOT COOL </3 GUYS Y U LEAF ME 

I watched you grow long and entwine into inextricable springs of keratin

and this is how you repay me.

-- 

The colour symbolism of Seth's blue hair could be paralleled with water, symbolising my gluttony for water. Perhaps my thirst is becoming so insatiable my desire to see hydration was projected onto his hairs. However, without even seeing I knew it was just a superficial pretence, thus perhaps highlighting how I need to revoke the pretension so deeply ingrained that it becomes an intrinsic constitutive element of oneself.

Knowing that buy purchasing the kiwis I would be disappointing Jack could highlight that deep down I am a callous amoral sociopath whose egotism is so set in stone I will eat so much peanut butter even though I shouldn't. 

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MONDAY: the Mother awoke me in the morning like 'y'okay meeting fang in about 30 mins you coming????? Fang is Snowsephine's son from her first litter in January 2010 WTF SUMMERS FIVE WHEN did this happen :'( Snowsephine was only four and ten days :(</3

She may have outlived her predecessor right now but the Snowsephine will always be the successor 

Think it was a benevolent day??????>>????>?>?>?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

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surprising how much fun can be derived from seemingly petty successions of typographical symbols :)):))):):):):))) this coudl continue for a while ;:)):):)))):))

THIKNK AGAIN

although I'm surprisé how reflective my hairs are even amid this mid-apocolypic snapshot illustrating  just a fragment of the abhorrence.

In the evening we went to see my mum's friend who is v funny and cynical and I hadn't seen her for about two years!! We met when I was in year 6 and her daughter was in year 2 and we were walking from school with snowsephine and she was looking to breed her dogs, thus ultimately we wouldn;t even know her if it wasn't for the snowsephine. All bcus of this snowsephine-incited conversation my mother became v good friends with her and we saw her so much during year 6/7

I remember this day v much: I think it was the last day of primary school and in the afternoon/ evening my mother and her friend had just given snowsephine a fresh trim and I set my sony ericsson phone to burst-mode and encaptured a series of three photographs of the snowsephine as she pivoted her head from this 3/4  perspective to a vacant but fervent somewhat absent but present minded gaze into the distance.

Also my mother's friend had little white dogs and one of them was so beautiful - she was a white skinned hairless chinese crested dog - when she was next to snowsephine ppl were always like aw r they poodles??????? Seripously sometimes the inherent racism of society is abhorrent I mean just bcus they both had beautiful long slender snouts you associate that with poodles??? ok you have ginger hair you're a goldfish 

However, we discovered she'd given all her three dogs away :( 

I recall once in delapre, must have been in year 7 or 8 idk, when we were walking and she accidentally alluded to my michael as my mothers boyfriend, which caused a v awk but transitory silence, since this was concealed from me until xmas eve 2013 when michael basically got my consent to marry my mother (they're still yet to reveal their relationship to me not implicitly lol). Upon realising what she had done she subsequently dismissed it but I thought I knew bcus when I was about ten my mother's boyfs son was like: 'ok soz but your parents are getting divorcé and also my dad is with your mum: )' : ) :) )

Actually though I don't think his son genuinely told me they were 2geth until I was about 14??? (still didn't believe at first aw cute how my innocent childhood naivety lasted until year nine) but apaz they were together for about 8 years and concealed it from me for SO LONG (I think idek exactly all I know is they met in Aug 2007) wait thats only three years wtAF>>>??? V clandestine v surreptitious such covertness

 but it does make me sad that my mother has always felt it necessary to lie to me to prevent corruption idk bcus if she even knew me at ALL she'd know my innocence dissipated during the abhorrent course of a long demise through a deep abyss of doom v deep v dark v fluctuating temperature didn't really like it tbh ngl

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Tuesday: one returned to school and it was so good!!!!!!!!!! After psychology Lauren asked Jack and I if we wanted to go to the park with her and Hannah and thus we did!!! the curls were almost on point for the first time in forever (therll b magic & fun; I cud be noticed by someone)) I was actually!! I was standing in just the right position that the wind's spindrift was causing my hair to ripple softly to the side in the air & and Hannah was like: Omg your hair looks so nice!!!! Peak bcus its usually so frizzy its basically like you know when you loose the plastic bit at the tips of your shoelaces and they go all stringy and frayed?? yeah that. Plus some entanglement. Plus a few eterinites of satan sucking every last drop of moisture from it with his firey breath. Despite the trepidation deriving from how I have never had the audacity (or friends) to do this before it was such an benevolent insightful experience. Would recommend 11/10 v good v warm v sweg i likd it

Yesterday: was also v good bcus english lit: DM'd my presentation partner on tuesday night bcus we had to do a powerpoint but she'd fallen asleep thus I stayed up until about 12/1am to do it :(((:( then she replied at about 6:30am to inform me she didn't think we had to do it today \|/ but we were!!! When I saw her in class  revealed I did it last night, thinking this would alleviate the anxiety, however the remorseful response consisted of: NO RAF NO (y u do) :((:(:(::(( aw and then she told ppl what happened and revealed how bad she felt which was v kind bcus usually I just do all the work in exchange for only having to talk through most of the powerpoint :/ but it went well because we did alternative slides and this was my third presentation in lit this year I think and managed to ignore the anxiety about 70% and for once my vocal utterances were less fragmented than my emotional stability :}. 

We spoke alternate slides and Miss questioned us on some of our points which, although stressful, was fun delving deep into what the author really didn't mean to convey at all but lets pretend :]. I'd set a group task to explore connections between texts and this was v nice because as Saskia and I were just at the front doing nothing, she initiated a v nice spoken exchange:

 after thanking me she was like: 

"okay omg Im going to give you so much food omg do you actually want food bcus you've saved my life how much cake do you want????"

Me: thank you but peak bcus vegan :(

Sakia: Are you actually haha??? okay I'll get you vegan stuff :) you're not allergic to nuts or anything are you??

Then the conversation proceeded to

Saskia: Ah so what other subjects do you do???

Me: French, Eng lang, psychology and core maths

Saskia: you do five???????

Me: not really bcus core maths is only an AS

Saskia: ah yeah its a two year course???? 

Me: yeas

Saskia: Haha I was gonna do French

Me: haha yes I remember you were there on induction day!!!

Saskia: yes haha but over summer I realised I can't speak French

Me: ah so what else do you do??

Saskia: history and art...

then I asked if you have to draw a painting in the exam hall in the art exam and stuff;

the conversation developed to: 

Saskia: so do you know what you want to do at university??

Me: English lit :) maybe writing as well

Saskia: Ah haha I couldn't do three more years of essays 

And it was weird becuase although I was standing at the front of the class feeling grotesque as I always do on wednesdays,  I felt no judgement and it was nice talking to someone about subjects and university but weird becuase didn't really know her yet felt completely comfortable??? She asked how long I'd been a vegan for but I guess miss sensed our conversation had digressed and become not at all phatic, quite transactional 

I guess miss paired us together becuase we've never spoken before but I'm so grateful because I have now aquired a new aquaintance I hope :-) 

Also Rob was handing out the folders with our coursework grades on and I was just thinking: okay I'm going to get 23/30 but its okay. When the folder was placed on my table, I saw the grade: 23. But only as Rob congratulated me did I realise it wasn't mine becuase I got 28!!! Also my first coursework got moved up to full marks so i now have 58/60 marks which consitute 40% of my AS legit in shock at the fact I can say I basically have 20% of an A* at A2 level English lit. Bless the divinity for unrequited love oh no wait bc I see he's already blessed u ;););))

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Today: v nice however morning form was not because I was expecting georgerai and the disillusionment of his absence made me feel so light and empty :( although this was probably due to having just leant him my pen and thus readjusting to the new weight inside my blazer pocket. 

Psychology was good because I delved deep into the depths of purgation, revealing to Jack my true name in exchange for his :3 this conversation derived from the revelation that his name has a K in it I mean wtf who the even heck has that

English literature was v good: Mother Buck has reprised her role as our teacher finallY!!!! She started the lesson like this: 'okay soz guys for dying don't worry I didn't have ebola okay so we're going to a computer room and you'll be working in three blocks of 15 minutes: I'll give you 15 minutes to write an exam paragraph on a Martin Luther King extract and then you'll all move round to another computer and continue someone else's essay. Also don't try and sit next to someone who got top band in the mock *cough* <ahem> Raf bcus I might tell you to move like 6 or 12 seats u don't even no ok go'

So I thought I'd be funny by writing: "okay so this metaphor exemplifies how the inherence of the racist society was so peak even the black person thought having dark skin was bad". I hoped that this would elicit humour from someone, and they'd never know its derivation. And this insatiable perpetuation would slowly fragment them into a colourful apparition of confetti. But then ((omg Im literally exploding with laughter even now)) when I'd moved for the final time to do the third paragraph, fassie asked me: do you know who was on this computer?

and I was like 'no'

then I saw it:

Martin Luther King's identitiy dfflkj lkjdlfkjg po;dfjg lkfdjg;kfdgj ldfkjglkglkfdjg ljfklgjkgj fdlkgkdfjghdflkjgkdfjgjdflkjgdlfkjg kldfjglkjfdil gjdfj glkdfj glkjdf lgkjdfkljgdlfk jgldfkjglkdfjglk ksdjkjjjjkdkskkkkkkkkslllllllllllllllllllllllllda;fk[adowpqwiqweryuiop[;kjhgfdsazxc,nbvtfvhnjmkkmhbvffxdzaqqazssxdrfcftgvuhbujnikmko,p,l,kokjinugycrrxsewawsdrtfvgyhbhujnik the sttryggle racism mwedfyhjijnmkollpmnyfeaqasedcvbnm,sasruiooiuytrewqASDFGHJK,MNBVCXZasdfghjkuytrewertyuiopkjhbvfresasxcgbnmewawsdrtfvgyhbhujnik the

literally just an entire paragraph of this and I was just collapsing with laughter for about 6 solid minutes until I realised I had to do some work, but somehow looking at my own screen this uncontrollable laughter only exacerbated this when the essay began with:

"Martin Luther King was an Asian-American"

My entire class hates me now for as this legit provoked a perpetual, everlastingly irrepressible series of laughs, haws, guffaws, v sharp nose exhales when drinking water, many tears and sniffles. And ultimately, a series of screeches and squeals when trying to suppress.