Opulence

It's just a good word that you'll find when utilising Microsoft word 

So today I spent lunch in the library doing a psychology paper and I texted my mother to say I'd be going home, and if she would drop me off at the new house before she went to work. During my venture back home, I audaciously visited to the shop however trepidatiously overpaid for some aloe vera juice [too scared to say anything in case of incarceration :((]. The horrifying thing is though, I thought in spite of this life change everything around me, from the mundane to the most exciting place in my life (school), would appear so shockingly the same. But somehow the walk just felt so abhorrently different. I felt sia was singing slightly slower; I felt I was walking just slightly faster, or perhaps it was just the sense of diminished distance deriving from knowing I wasn't returning home, but instead embarking on the revocation of the yearning of hireath - however ephemeral. (woah what is going on today this inadvertence omnipresence of alliteration)) I got home and was so happy because beleaf me the releaf of everything being just how I'd left it, only four days ago was unparalleled. Yet it felt like returning after an eternal exile. Also it was so nice seeing Summer bcus I seldom see her now (which I will explain later) and the pug, so grumpily the same sleepy constitutive lump of rolls and wrinkles on the sofa in the living room. My mother came already exhausted after perpetuating in work and as she sat down for probably the fist time since we moved I utilised this transitory ten minute moment of being away from the new life and back on our own to say to the mother

"okay so please could you elucidate bcus I don't understand why we have to live there like can we not just stay here?? because you spend most of your time here anyway and I never see summer :(( legit Ill sleep in the living room please, and also I thought the idea was to alleviate the stress but whats happening is only exacerbating it"

here's the situation:

So mother drops me off at school and the dogs at the old house and spends the day there with the dogs whilst one is at school and then she teaches all evening (from 3-9pm). Before coming to the  to new place, she collects summer and chester when she's finished work to come back, sleep, awaken and repeat this abhorrent cyclical cycle. Meanwhile, puppies are staying at the old house permanently, I guess mother just cleans up after them during the day and the lodgers probs just stare at/ stroke them all evening. 

I can't quite recall the conversation I had with the mother but she admitted she doesn't trust the dogs with Michael as she knows they won't stay with me :( I think the convo concluded with her acknowledging that we should have stayed, and she would say to Michael she'd not move in with him but then she'd still have to pay half the rent??? I saw the sadness in her tired eyes, too hard worked and overwhelmed to secrete even one teardrop as I realised she feels so entrapped and powerless, only moving in with him because otherwise she'd be wasting her money?? But then isn't she anyway because she doesn't need to live with him and she doesn't because she's only ever there to sleep :((

Also its horrible because I knew I'd just be living with Michael and not my mum, but I didn't realise I'd have every single aspect of my life criticised????

Like for example:

when I was eating some toast this morning at about ten past 7 he said: "Why are you eating breakfast??? you said you shower at 7"

This is v difficult when you're revising until 1am and don't wake up until 6:40 and can't find anything bcus don't know where anything is and also getting lost in the three story house can hinder speed also

Also there's two bathrooms one is quite nice and has a tap where you can combine the hot and cold which is v useful when you need to have your fingers submerged under a stream for about 5 mins every morning whilst cleaning retainers. However, in the bathroom on my floor there's no mirror so I can't shave and two separate taps: one which expels liquified nitrogen like legit its colder than my soul; one which in french we would say 'dérivé de la langue de satan' himself which would probably melt my retainers and burn my hands 

when I was brushing my teeth this morning: "what are you doing you must not ever use this bathroom"

???? its the only one with a mirror by the sink and adjustable water temperature so my retainers don't melt and my I don't get frostbite????

"how can you spend 15 minutes in the shower you're causing conflicts for everyone" 

Great bcus Im up before everyone else and two of the lodgers have their own en-suite :-----)

"don't have cold showers"

okay so this was what he said to me (plus a monotonous lecture based on a fallacy, to which I evoked an illusion of attentiveness via backchanneling features) after he used all the hot water and blamed it on the lodgers  and I admitted Ive actually been enjoying the freezing cold showers these past two days. 

This morning I contemplated moving in with my dad after exams (yes I know Ive said this but now I have a malevolent step parent ish hopefully they won't ever get married), because although it annoys me when he complains he never sees me and stuff I'm always chilled when Im there, whereas In a perpetuating state of chronic stress here like legit my skin started getting so dry it bleeds, and now its just so scaly and grotesque and painful like a dying dragon's shedding scales but apaz Im just so stressed not even prescription strength soaps/ moisturisers can heal my fragmenting hands. Also its getting so bad in class every second Im not writing I have to put my hands under the desk bcus If you just saw my hands you'd legit think someone had held an 100 year old asian hostage and made a scaly series of incisions with a cheese grater not even kidding its so abhorrent.

how could do that now and just leave my mother locked in a life she doesn't even want :((

The powerlessness of not being able to help the one person who deserves it the most, one just cannot express.

So anyway I only spent about 15 minutes at the house but my mother really wanted to shower before she left for work so I told her I'd vacuum the kitchen for her and then I opened our cupboard and it was just the same: my purple mug omg Id missed it ngl was sitting there so I boiled the kettle??? wtf do people actually say that??? you boil water or utilise the kettle ok anyway and the water tasted so good and I was sad I'd be returning to a place where I don't even know how to use the kettle and am scared to even leave my room :(

But during the first sip I almost forgot it all -

I wish I could :(( 

knowledge is the ultimate burden 

I actually wish I was a like a proper psychopath (but without too much murder) because imagine being able to fabricate and emulate almost every emotion (especially stress) so convincingly without feeling!! Would be so so good!!! Conversely, one is used to suppression: concealing despite feeling.

But today I made an ultimate sacrifice: I left my innocent purple mug, not wishing to taint it in this realm of abhorrence.

my fav inadvertent photo of us xo x 

Ill miss u forever purple mugerai but we both know we're safer apart