Catharsis

Okay so I've decided to do an old narrative-style blog like I used but ofc one will interconnect this with the metaphysicality of my thoughts.

I've found the most beautiful word: 

Catharsis

This is a literary technique but my appreciation for it was during psychology when I learnt what it really means:

- emotional purification deriving from the release of deeply repressed emotions, resulting in feelings of purgation and a sense of relief, ultimately becoming unburdened of one's internal conflicts.

So what isn't catharsis is what happened yesterday:

One awoke just before midday to find we had lots of potential lodgers all coming to see my room simultaneously bcus time mixups and I had NOWHERE TO HIDE!!! so I just sat in the kitchen whilst Christine (lodger with the pug) was ironing. Subsequently, all the ppl came in like 'oh hai this your son?? u excited for moving out??:-)' (mother must have told them I'm moving to dads) and I was just like 'um...a bit?????' to which Christine exclaimed with abhorrence 'WHAT RAF NO :(:(:(' and then as they left thus I tried to surreptitiously slip out after them but then it was just Christine and I and she was like "Raf :(::((where are you going??"
"um my dad's," lied I, so smoothly, but for once, remorsefully.
"Aw when you leaving????'
me: "um about two weeks";
Subsequently, she was like: "omg I know I don't see you that much anyway but l'll miss youu :((:("
and then she was borderline crying and I just felt so so bad just standing there like a sociopathic whore not even trying to blend in or adhere to societal conventions legit basically doing nothing just trying to escape from the life that is the lie like "aw I'll miss you too" and then I just stood by the kettle looking at my phone pretending that people actually text me for about five mins, but then realised: its now or never & this situation can't exactly be exacerbated thus I slipped out and went and hid in the bathroom (bcus room occupied) but ppl needed to see it!!!! Thus I had to leave but thankfully solace was achieved upon returning after they'd left my room.

After everyone had gone the mother came up to my room and I said to her:
 "okay so do I just suppress the guilt for lying like that so callously and not feel bad or???" to which she replied:
 "I'm so sorry I wish we could have discussed how you'd feel about saying what"
In the heat of the agonising abhorrence of this revelation, I fell back onto my bed exclaiming:
 "O M G what so you're saying I might not have had to lie to her???? Omg I feel even worse now knowing I could have told her the truth" then I was like omg "pls can I just tell her the truth?? or perhaps I could actually move in with my dad bcus then it will become the truth?? jks ok no but look its not gonna work bcus she'll find the loopholes, pls I cannot be unburdened of my guilt so I'm just gonna have to avoid her until next week"

"I'm gonna go and scrub my hands until there's no skin left, but the guilt can never be washed off macbeth allusion lol"

since it was like 1pm and all I consumed so far was a glass of lemon water the mother kindly proposed: "okay I'll make you some porridge now and bring it up so you don't have to talk to her"

and I was like "woah porridge??? no that'll just make it too obvious pls could you just get me some milk and then I'll go down when she's gone"
(suspicion would have been aroused v explicitly because everyone knows all I actually eat is porridge & peanut butter)

so she did and I don't feel so bad bcus the chocolate in chocolate almond milk elicits feelings of euphoria okay after thrice repetition I've realised chocolate is such a weird word???

what I learned today: you can run from the truth but you cannot hide from the burden of mendacity, for that will follow you forever.

But what constitutes catharsis??

Waking up to the sound of the snoring pug by my bed and apologising to him for lying to his mother. Subsequently, I realise this is a manifestation of not communicating with anyone exxcept my parents/ lodgers for so many days lol ironically I need school to sustain my sanity. Anxiety is so peaKK.

its seeing moon every night from your bed before you go to sleep, get slightly smaller and you feel a sense of mutual compassion for it because although it appears to be loosing an integral constitutive segment of itself, you know its always there

The moment in 'if you say so' when you can feel the possible potentialities of Lea's powerful vocals, but just as she begins to let it out she restrains herself and you realise how even if she does scream out the pain there's still so much inexpressible agony locked inside her that only time can manipulate, multiply but ultimately alleviate. 

Seeing how frustratingly bad Miranda Sings' videos are now, but remembering that she gave you the most benevolent hug in the world <3

Wow look how much hair I used to have :((:( stress-induced hair loss y u do this to me :((:((

Having the COOLEST dreams like being on holiday and having all my hairs chopped off and looking so sweg in my suit, despite never having the audacity to shed my black veil of protection in reality.

its often seeing someone else achieve what you're afraid to do, but not feeling jealous; feeling internally cleansed. I could blog about how much I miss school and how much I loathe the entrapment of being stuck in my house for like 17 days watching the heat rise and just wishing it would snow

But ultimately, its when you're lady macbeth and your intoxicated uncle picks up your puppy and says "you remind me of your grandmother? is this right was snowy his grandmother?" and the sole tear secreted washes off the spot of blood and as your blood illuminates with incandescence you forget you were ever even capable of murdering someone in cold blood.