Illumination
So Monday was lovely bcus I spent the whole morning revising with Elliott before psychology <3
The librarian came FULL SASS mode no mitigation rendering the room silent with her contempt at all the reb year 12s talking and legit I was just fragmenting in my burdensome irrepressible nervous laughter and she thought it was elliott lol how does she not know the fragmented mosaic that is my what I call laughter. Lol I should write a poem about the abhorrence of my laugh let's give it a go:
The Haw
A mosaic of pointillism
Fragmented as a kaleidoscope
that shatters as an abrasive caress
that peels the flesh
of an unripe lemon
who, in retaliation,
squirts its superficial juices onto your up-curling lashes
so it slowly acidifies the fragile fragments
seeping through to dissolve the lens of your retina
So that this lemon can die
a jaundice lime.
--
Also do u like how the structure gradually becomes more fragmented like my laugh does the longer it goes on
okay lol this was just a half-hearted few minute fabrication but now do you see what its like??? when people still think its a pretence, 'put on' for attention???
It still mystifies me to this day how after ONE DAY in a year 10 maths lesson of ((orientally)) fake guffawing the repercussions are perpetual; it has become an irrepressible and irrevocable vocal burden; we now are an inextricable mass of headphones intertwined after being left untouched for too long.
Thereafter, we went down to the main concours x and sat by the restaurant and Elly tried to teach me how the body responds to stress but I just could not comprehend!! Thankfully it did not appear; AQA have been v kind in every exam so far. In despair I began to laugh thus he questioned the derivation of the elicitation of such nonsensical seeming expression, and I subsequently informed him that 'sensical' is a word!!!!!!!!!!!! Its just a funny word don't even know what it means its just phoneticaly v funny haha. However, I know this laughter may have been a masquerade for inside I was crying upon realising that this benevolent person would never have left me last wednesday feeling like a spinster jilted at the altar If had I prepared everything he needed to know for the second psychology paper, which I'd planned on taking a day out of vital poetry revision two days prior to the exam to imbue him with what I already knew, especially when knowing the most important exam of my life so far was two days later (three days before psychol also) and he said he would come but only after six hours of patient disillusionment when I ask him where he is do I realise I have been stood up with no explanation and I know now to always listen to Charlie when he tells me to go home. And the perpetuating disillusionment in perpetuating exacerbation when its a week later and he has still not even acknowledged my existence. However on this abhorrent day last wednesday I didn't feel so isolated and fragmented as I would have, for just as I was about to go home Lauren had just finished her history exam since it was 3pm and asked me if was okay bcus she said I looked like I was crying lol but she was v kind and sympathetic when she found out I hadn't brought any poetry notes and had just been sitting in the library since 9am basically doing nothing other than staring out the window, waiting so hopefully that I would see him coming.
Yet I had no idea
A spinister sinster
And the feelings elicited each time I saw someone walk into school but it wasn't him is just ineffable :
But the worst part of yesterday was realising that I'll never get to work with Elly anymore; I'm literally gonna just cry in the corner in every English language lesson without him now </3
Sensical may be a good word but here are my personal favourites at present:
perturbation
elicitation
vraisembable (french word for probable)
and prozapine <3
I think I may start doing a word of the blog to culminate each blog oh this could be a potentially pivotal post in the history of
French exam is this thursday and I'm gonna have to aim for the D otherwise I'm never gonna pass bcus my speaking exam was so abhorrent - here is just a fragment of the failure;
examiner: tell me a good film you watched recently
me: LAST YEAR, I watched spongebob
why immediately after she said the word 'récemment' did I begin with 'l'anée dérniere I will never understand' and also I hadn't seen it so I had nothing to say about it lol to be fair what constitutes recent is a v subjective issue - why can six months ago not be recent if I spend my entire existence either at school or in my room???
Told her all about the decadence explored in breaking bad and how annoying my mother's boyf is lol and how bruce willis is my fav actor??? though Ive only seen about three of his movies so could not justify why tbh I just like his bald head
I did make her laugh a few times, notably when I couldn't think of anything to say thus bought time by starting with
'ooh... ah eh bien, uhhhh c'est une question épineuse' (oh ah well um its a thorny quenchon haha)
and my personal favourite which I saved for breaking bad:
'Sans l'ombre d'un doute' (without a shadow of a doubt)
Anyway back to yesterday it was break and everyone came so elevated to the higher level of the concourse and began to tire from revision so Elly was like 'shall we go shop??' (loving the lexical omission x) to which I smoothly nodded as if it were a commonplace convention to me lol
So we had a v cute walk in the rain and spoke of slugs and eyelashes and upon arriving at londis the SASS was unparalleled: the cashier wouldn't even serve me bcus she was so deeply transfixed in this repetitive sassiness!!! Lol thought I was in eastenders haha anyway Elly bought some coffee and I got some aloe vera juice and it was so nice because I didn't even feel awkward at all for the first time in about 20 months bcus even though my hair had frayed into frizzy frazzled black coils of steel I didn't feel judged I just felt so calm except when I kept walking in the wrong direction bcus rlly not used to walking down suspicious meth dealing alleyways lol. I think it was the weather bcus whenever its sunny theres people outside and I can feel the oppressive prejudice pervading from the sun's abrasive rays and its just inescapable
Conversely, when it rains it averts people :( but I was with someone who shared my adoration for this prejudiced weather and the words from one of the saddest poems 'Y Gaer' followed me the whole journey: 'so I think I understand now why the man who lost his son comes here only in bad weather... and take the rain's beating'
Since most people hate this weather, its one of the only times I really feel okay being outside: because Im the only one outside and although on my own its so good bcus theres no one else and I feel like I own this place lol, it was nice to share this experience with Elly though <3
Today I noticed it was raining so decided to go into the garden for the first time but then I discovered it was hail and I could only endure the pain for about a minute; I didn't realise they were actually hail stones :((((
The psychol exam was v good because twenty minutes before the end we heard an invigilator murmur 'you have 10 minutes left' which did elicit many laughs from everyone because there was clearly twenty minutes left lol. Also the final question was v poignant but good for me because it was on biological treatments for psychopathology and I have this inextricable emotional bond to these two v special drugs for treating schizophrenia: chlorpromazine (NAWW just realised I'd been spelling it wrong this whole time) and a v special one to me - clozapine
You can probably tell why the latter schizophrenic drug is v poignant and special to me but I could feel the snowsephine avec like the rain from the walk: although evaporated, the trace minerals had been absorbed by my skin ((and most likely frazzled my hair and dissolved my superficial skin cells due to the acidity of the polluted wasteland of a town I live in))
Took a surreptitious snap bcus its actually so beautiful I feel so lucky to be at the most beautiful school in probs the world
Many a nights have I dreamed of falling from the top level
I can still recall the first moment I walked through the electric frame transporting from the world of 1911 to 2k21 (even though it was only 2009 for 11 year old me)
Sorry if this post has dragged but to conclude I have been v excited lately because:
Minimal - no revision now all that's left is French and English Lang
Elly messaged me about Joey Graceffa the night he posted his music vid and after watching I immediately ordered his book but its not due to arrive for another month :( Also I love his implicit coming out bcus he's one of the only people to make the point that you shouldn't have to go out of your way to say 'yes hello It is necessary that I inform you that I am not of the heterosexual orientation', like when ppl used to say 'how have you not told your parents????' I always used to be adamant 'you don't tell yours that your hetero thus y I must say Im homo??' But honestly I think I'm lying to myself bcus if they asked me I can't imagine Id say yes Id probably scream and ask if this constitutes my final A level grade
Because idk maybe its just my irrational fear of the peoples becoming too aware of me but I would fear it even though they're not homophobic but lol I know for a fact they don't need to know bcus regardless I will be the crazy cat person in the asylum who goes on a hunger strike in every day they don't give me a new cat lol
Gonna do this poetry competition and I'm working on a third poem which was inspired by 'Breathe me' by Sia its so morose but I think everyone can relate to some aspect of it. Also Sia is gay and vegan how did I not know this haha?? Because it is not necessary to say these things that is why my loyal followers that is why
Also like literally its my dream to become a poet because like imagine if you were a poet and AQA decided to use one of your poems HUNDREDS of years after you died and thousands of people every year for centuries in the future would incorrectly interpret your work like Shakespeare probably had no idea of their impact on the ppl even today throughout centuries but then ppl like carol anne duff must know that even when the planet is about to implode following the revolution of the lucifer squad ppl will still be reading her stuff in their grave
Miranda's videos are becoming very funny again haha
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkrhK9Qpiss
rude word in the link youtube u do do??? But yeah although she's much more infantile now her new vocal intonations and things are funny haha can still rematch her videos five times consecutively lol
When stalking georgerai's spotify I found this duo called 'Oh Wonder' and woah they literally entrance me into some next state of transcendence like their genre is electronic ballads which is such a beautiful interspersion of emotion and electricity its poetic yet novelistic I actually cannot stop listening to Technicolor Beat because as their voices heighten in pitch you feel elevated above a layer of clouds with each note
Also s/o to georgerai remember to have spring for breakfast also hope you're enjoying being 17 took a while lol
The Haw
A mosaic of pointillism
Fragmented as a kaleidoscope
that shatters as an abrasive caress
that peels the flesh
of an unripe lemon
who, in retaliation,
squirts its superficial juices onto your up-curling lashes
so it slowly acidifies the fragile fragments
seeping through to dissolve the lens of your retina
So that this lemon can die
a jaundice lime.
--
Also do u like how the structure gradually becomes more fragmented like my laugh does the longer it goes on
okay lol this was just a half-hearted few minute fabrication but now do you see what its like??? when people still think its a pretence, 'put on' for attention???
It still mystifies me to this day how after ONE DAY in a year 10 maths lesson of ((orientally)) fake guffawing the repercussions are perpetual; it has become an irrepressible and irrevocable vocal burden; we now are an inextricable mass of headphones intertwined after being left untouched for too long.
Thereafter, we went down to the main concours x and sat by the restaurant and Elly tried to teach me how the body responds to stress but I just could not comprehend!! Thankfully it did not appear; AQA have been v kind in every exam so far. In despair I began to laugh thus he questioned the derivation of the elicitation of such nonsensical seeming expression, and I subsequently informed him that 'sensical' is a word!!!!!!!!!!!! Its just a funny word don't even know what it means its just phoneticaly v funny haha. However, I know this laughter may have been a masquerade for inside I was crying upon realising that this benevolent person would never have left me last wednesday feeling like a spinster jilted at the altar If had I prepared everything he needed to know for the second psychology paper, which I'd planned on taking a day out of vital poetry revision two days prior to the exam to imbue him with what I already knew, especially when knowing the most important exam of my life so far was two days later (three days before psychol also) and he said he would come but only after six hours of patient disillusionment when I ask him where he is do I realise I have been stood up with no explanation and I know now to always listen to Charlie when he tells me to go home. And the perpetuating disillusionment in perpetuating exacerbation when its a week later and he has still not even acknowledged my existence. However on this abhorrent day last wednesday I didn't feel so isolated and fragmented as I would have, for just as I was about to go home Lauren had just finished her history exam since it was 3pm and asked me if was okay bcus she said I looked like I was crying lol but she was v kind and sympathetic when she found out I hadn't brought any poetry notes and had just been sitting in the library since 9am basically doing nothing other than staring out the window, waiting so hopefully that I would see him coming.
Yet I had no idea
A spinister sinster
And the feelings elicited each time I saw someone walk into school but it wasn't him is just ineffable :
But the worst part of yesterday was realising that I'll never get to work with Elly anymore; I'm literally gonna just cry in the corner in every English language lesson without him now </3
Sensical may be a good word but here are my personal favourites at present:
perturbation
elicitation
vraisembable (french word for probable)
and prozapine <3
I think I may start doing a word of the blog to culminate each blog oh this could be a potentially pivotal post in the history of
French exam is this thursday and I'm gonna have to aim for the D otherwise I'm never gonna pass bcus my speaking exam was so abhorrent - here is just a fragment of the failure;
examiner: tell me a good film you watched recently
me: LAST YEAR, I watched spongebob
why immediately after she said the word 'récemment' did I begin with 'l'anée dérniere I will never understand' and also I hadn't seen it so I had nothing to say about it lol to be fair what constitutes recent is a v subjective issue - why can six months ago not be recent if I spend my entire existence either at school or in my room???
Told her all about the decadence explored in breaking bad and how annoying my mother's boyf is lol and how bruce willis is my fav actor??? though Ive only seen about three of his movies so could not justify why tbh I just like his bald head
I did make her laugh a few times, notably when I couldn't think of anything to say thus bought time by starting with
'ooh... ah eh bien, uhhhh c'est une question épineuse' (oh ah well um its a thorny quenchon haha)
and my personal favourite which I saved for breaking bad:
'Sans l'ombre d'un doute' (without a shadow of a doubt)
Anyway back to yesterday it was break and everyone came so elevated to the higher level of the concourse and began to tire from revision so Elly was like 'shall we go shop??' (loving the lexical omission x) to which I smoothly nodded as if it were a commonplace convention to me lol
So we had a v cute walk in the rain and spoke of slugs and eyelashes and upon arriving at londis the SASS was unparalleled: the cashier wouldn't even serve me bcus she was so deeply transfixed in this repetitive sassiness!!! Lol thought I was in eastenders haha anyway Elly bought some coffee and I got some aloe vera juice and it was so nice because I didn't even feel awkward at all for the first time in about 20 months bcus even though my hair had frayed into frizzy frazzled black coils of steel I didn't feel judged I just felt so calm except when I kept walking in the wrong direction bcus rlly not used to walking down suspicious meth dealing alleyways lol. I think it was the weather bcus whenever its sunny theres people outside and I can feel the oppressive prejudice pervading from the sun's abrasive rays and its just inescapable
Conversely, when it rains it averts people :( but I was with someone who shared my adoration for this prejudiced weather and the words from one of the saddest poems 'Y Gaer' followed me the whole journey: 'so I think I understand now why the man who lost his son comes here only in bad weather... and take the rain's beating'
Since most people hate this weather, its one of the only times I really feel okay being outside: because Im the only one outside and although on my own its so good bcus theres no one else and I feel like I own this place lol, it was nice to share this experience with Elly though <3
Today I noticed it was raining so decided to go into the garden for the first time but then I discovered it was hail and I could only endure the pain for about a minute; I didn't realise they were actually hail stones :((((
The psychol exam was v good because twenty minutes before the end we heard an invigilator murmur 'you have 10 minutes left' which did elicit many laughs from everyone because there was clearly twenty minutes left lol. Also the final question was v poignant but good for me because it was on biological treatments for psychopathology and I have this inextricable emotional bond to these two v special drugs for treating schizophrenia: chlorpromazine (NAWW just realised I'd been spelling it wrong this whole time) and a v special one to me - clozapine
You can probably tell why the latter schizophrenic drug is v poignant and special to me but I could feel the snowsephine avec like the rain from the walk: although evaporated, the trace minerals had been absorbed by my skin ((and most likely frazzled my hair and dissolved my superficial skin cells due to the acidity of the polluted wasteland of a town I live in))
Took a surreptitious snap bcus its actually so beautiful I feel so lucky to be at the most beautiful school in probs the world
Many a nights have I dreamed of falling from the top level
I can still recall the first moment I walked through the electric frame transporting from the world of 1911 to 2k21 (even though it was only 2009 for 11 year old me)
Sorry if this post has dragged but to conclude I have been v excited lately because:
Minimal - no revision now all that's left is French and English Lang
Elly messaged me about Joey Graceffa the night he posted his music vid and after watching I immediately ordered his book but its not due to arrive for another month :( Also I love his implicit coming out bcus he's one of the only people to make the point that you shouldn't have to go out of your way to say 'yes hello It is necessary that I inform you that I am not of the heterosexual orientation', like when ppl used to say 'how have you not told your parents????' I always used to be adamant 'you don't tell yours that your hetero thus y I must say Im homo??' But honestly I think I'm lying to myself bcus if they asked me I can't imagine Id say yes Id probably scream and ask if this constitutes my final A level grade
Because idk maybe its just my irrational fear of the peoples becoming too aware of me but I would fear it even though they're not homophobic but lol I know for a fact they don't need to know bcus regardless I will be the crazy cat person in the asylum who goes on a hunger strike in every day they don't give me a new cat lol
Gonna do this poetry competition and I'm working on a third poem which was inspired by 'Breathe me' by Sia its so morose but I think everyone can relate to some aspect of it. Also Sia is gay and vegan how did I not know this haha?? Because it is not necessary to say these things that is why my loyal followers that is why
Also like literally its my dream to become a poet because like imagine if you were a poet and AQA decided to use one of your poems HUNDREDS of years after you died and thousands of people every year for centuries in the future would incorrectly interpret your work like Shakespeare probably had no idea of their impact on the ppl even today throughout centuries but then ppl like carol anne duff must know that even when the planet is about to implode following the revolution of the lucifer squad ppl will still be reading her stuff in their grave
Miranda's videos are becoming very funny again haha
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkrhK9Qpiss
rude word in the link youtube u do do??? But yeah although she's much more infantile now her new vocal intonations and things are funny haha can still rematch her videos five times consecutively lol
When stalking georgerai's spotify I found this duo called 'Oh Wonder' and woah they literally entrance me into some next state of transcendence like their genre is electronic ballads which is such a beautiful interspersion of emotion and electricity its poetic yet novelistic I actually cannot stop listening to Technicolor Beat because as their voices heighten in pitch you feel elevated above a layer of clouds with each note
Also s/o to georgerai remember to have spring for breakfast also hope you're enjoying being 17 took a while lol
even though my nose is bigger than shrek's in this picture this is my fav snapshot of us best day ever
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