Gandalf!!!!

So the greenaway sent all the gay squad people a message on friday telling us to come to school on weds at 8:30am bc receiving LGBT campaigning certificates and the ppl performing need to rehearse in The drama studio 

LITTLE DID I KNOW IAN MCKELLEN AKA GANDALF THE GREY AKA GANDALF THE WHITE WOULD BE SIGNING OUR CERTIFICATES AND MEETING US AND SPEAKING TO US 

Also happy birthday to Ian Mckellen he's 76 today!!

The Greenaway arrived just after 9am and it was nice because the first thing she said upon entering was 'Hi Raf!!' probs as I was the only person not performing plus the only year 12 who'd turned up so early :-) after revealing Sir Ian's impending forthcoming she asked me to clean the whiteboards for him. One felt v privileged that she bestowed me with this honour; however, I really don't think this benevolent human rights activist would be so superficial to judge our institution on such superficial ephemeral markings ?¿

The mythological rumour of gandalf's cameo appearance at school was somehow kept v clandestine v surreptitious idk how no one said anything; the emergence of rumour only transpired like 20 minutes before his arrival and we were to only tell individuals and not twitter but by 11am it was all over twitter lol

Then it happened: the greenaway re-entered after a 20 minute absence with Sir Ian himself trailing behind her, and this silence pervaded the drama studio as everyone's faces illuminated with awe interspersed with veneration upon the presence of this mythological figure of divinity no longer entrapped within a screen but a verisimilitudinous wizard in our school's drama studio in the same room as us at the same time as us legit

So first he shook Will's, George's and Max's hands (bcus front row); subsequently, he slid his arm through George and Max to converge with mine and I was just like 'hihhhello thank you' probably exposing way too many teeth but what can you do when his wizardry is radiating so irrepressibly???

After introducing himself to everyone in the campaign squad, he vocalised our names as he handed us a 'Stonewall youth certificate' - signing each one individually - and the trepidation was exacerbating every second being unable to accept that he was legit going to say my name!! After handing out about 5 certificates he said 'Raf Kapur is that right?' in his quintessentially deep, sonorous voice and I was just like 'yes ty' completely fangirling that gandalf said my name correctly <3 but felt entrapped bcus was on the second row and Greenaway just told me to come <3 she's so kind and good for alleviating anxiety aw <3 
I was aware there were a surreptitious camera squad and it was v awkward because I went and collected it and returned back to my seat whereas everyone else stayed standing but I didn't wish to exacerbate the awkwardness thus I just stayed where I was and allowed the awkwardness to perpetuate in this peak state of static

Legit I was in perpetuating shock bcus when I woke up that morning I never could have imagined Sir Ian Mckellen would be shaking my hand TWICE lol the thing I was most exited for was wearing my new suit and seeing what font they used on the certificate otherwise I probably would have just slept all day lol

!!!!!

Then we were told to do a group photo thus thankfully I got to join everyone else standing up. Sire Ian proceeded to asked us about the LGBT conventions within our school, such as if there are any openly gay members of staff - we explained it is not necessary because every student knows they can speak to any teacher about anything. However, he made the perceptive insight that amid the omnipresence of heterosexual staff talking about their wives and children, what must it feel like for the gay teacher to have to suppress himself whilst at work and live in perpetual avoidance?????????

Can't quite recall what happened next; it was all pretty surreal but he left and we had twenty minutes before the actors would be performing for him so I ran to the library to find chaz and george to inform them I just met Gandalf and got his signature!!!!! On the way I was still trying to fathom what had just happened thus in a moment of spontaneous surreality I tweeted 'just met gandalf w t f' and a minute later andrea replied 'STOP HOW IS THIS HAPPENING' and was DMing me ambivalent whether to come in or not and I told her to come and watch the performance but she didn't arrive until it had finished :(

So I returned about 20 mins later to watch the play but was stopped by Mr Ed and he was like: 'yo invite only' and I was like 'but I'm in the club :((:(' despite others attempting to corroborate me he still required further elucidation asking 'what club' and I was just speechless upon realising I just called our school's prestigious LGBTQ campaign cohort group 'the club'??!??!?!? He said I wasn't on the list and thus had to queue up :( also the letters 'ueue' in 'queue' are just superfluous repetition why are they there? Why is it not just 'q' or 'qu'??? queue u whoever did this yeah bet you thought you were so indie and innovative turning one letter into a five letter word WAIT OMG V CLEVER I TAKE IT BACK!!! What if its to represent the superfluous length of queues????? Ah V clever whoever created this I applaud your innovative implications, regardless of intentionality you are a true linguistic lord whoever created this benign contribution to the beauty of english may you rest in piece I hope there is a special place for you in the linguistics underworld :3

Anyway so we had to join a q and Holly and Rob were like "wait raf you're part of the club why do you have to queue????? guys let Raf go to the front!!" which was fun but t b f I could have just walked into the studio had mr ed not been an oppressive barricade. Meanwhile, I was trying to tell Andrea to come and watch because Ian would be watching it but she didn't make it until the performance had finished and was sad; I apologised but she said it wasn't my fault :( though I was burdened with disillusioning someone and I know what that feels like: to have such benevolent envisions revoke in such a malevolent instant </3. However, I got to watch it but I left my bag in the studio!! So Rob told me to go back saying they won't mind but greenaway had just kicked us (the audience) out so Ian could speak to the actors and ofc I could not interrupt gandalf lol, idk would  thus went to the concourse and stood with Rob Holly Charlie KP and Jacob Lee for about 10 minutes until everyone diffused

So when the conversation culminated I returned to the cripps to see If Sir Ian had gone so I could sneak in and collect my bag but as I walked towards the door I heard voices abhor 'w t f is he doing???' thus I retreated to near them and it appeared they were waiting to catch a glimpse of him as he left haha. I elicited much jealously from them when my only possessions were the certificate with his signature  

Anyway a teacher came like 'wat u doing ppl' and the ppl were like 'waiting for Ian' and teacher was like 'ok so he's speaking to the year 7s in the theatre you can sneak in through the balcony v quietly to watch 

thus I tentatively followed v apprehensively though v grateful I had lacked the audacity to collect my bag when the performance finished bcus I would not have been there to witness one of the most beautiful speeches I've ever seen <3 so just remember if you're annoyed that you're stuck somewhere perhaps its for the best bcus if everything had happened smoother and faster it would not have been the same. 

So everyone was v surreptitiously taking photographs of him thus I tried to trepidatiously do so also but I also took a voice memo of part of his speech but left it playing until about 10 minutes after Id left which was quite insightful because I could feel my way around school through the fluctuating intensity of the echoes of myy footsteps amplify and reverberate on the different surfaces and It was a surreal experience because I felt blind but so aware. So upon sitting down I took a photograph and messaged Andrea telling her to slide into the theatre and she came and got to see part of his talk and thanked me when it finished : ) which made me v grateful that I had helped someone see their idol. I collected my bag still managing to suppress the tears after this insightful and poignant speech. I actually cried when he told us of the abhorrence of his childhood and how homosexuality was actually illegal and he only came out in 1988 when Thatcher made it illegal to even speak of homosexuality within schools. But yeah he was actually quite funny haha, here are some personal highlights: 

"there is not a single member of premier league football who is openly gay. Now you're not telling that they're all straight - they certainly don't behave like they're all straight, when they score a goal there's a lot of kissing and hugging etc!! 

- He daren't come out because he's frightened - of what you'll think of him. That is why previously no politician would come out - they were frightened they wouldn't get the votes.Teachers are afraid to express themselves because they don't know what your reaction is going to be - and the same with football Get it right in school and you get it right outside."

ALSO he knew Nelson Mandela!! When a year 7 asked Sir Ian about his role models he mentioned Nelson Mandela, saying he was supportive of gay rights during the apartheid in Africa when homosexuality was also illegal.

So when my mother got home at about 9pm and came to my room I was like 'look I met Ian Mckellen!!!' showing her the surreptitious snaps in the theatre and my certificate she asked 'ah!!! so is he gay???' and I said 'yes', she then asked 'are you gay?'

When she asked me this I reenvisioned the moment earlier that day that the year 7 child so innocently asked sir Ian 'were your parents okay with you being gay?', which provoked a pause unlike any of the others during his speech. Sir Ian looked down and it wasn't an awkward silence, it was just tense because you could feel him filtering through his seventy five years of thoughts, trying to find the words to express without creating too much disillusionment. Thus, his response comprised: 

'My mother died when I was twelve; my father when I was twenty four. I wasn't such a good teenager, in the sense I didn't have a very good relationship with my father so by the time he died when I was living in my own in London I never told him. However, I did tell my stepmother when she was 80 and she said ' I've known for 74 years' haha. But it's the biggest regret of my life - never telling my parents'

When I heard him say this it actually made me cry so much, how perfectly composed his syntax and voice and everything were so composed, and I realised although this was extemporised speech, he had rehearsed these words so many times.  

But yeah anyway the mother was just like 'ah cool does your dad know???' and I was like 'idk' 

and then she left to wash the hair dye out of her dark blue stained roots of tenebrosity (wow this word is a keeper)

Also Ian's speech was beautiful because he speaks like how George Orwell writes but he has the beautiful tone of Bryan Cranston (Heisenberg) and the undeviating fortitude of Gandalf 

Look how tall and celestial wizard-like he looks even without his long celestial hairs <3

So yeah on Wednesday the 20th May 2015 I met Gandalf and came out to my mother 🙌  so crazy how in my last post I doubted I would ever have this conversation with my mother, yet the following day I did!! Potentially the most surreal day of my life as you can see it took me a while to sequentialise what actually happened sorry  but I'm just so grateful for this day so thank you to everyone who constituted it <3