SUBLIMITY

's e r e n i t y. I spend so much of my time feeling dead inside but this week has made me feel alive in ways i haven't felt for so ,,, many ,,, years. Ive spent 21 years in pursuit of bliss the sublime and I think that, maybe just, I might have found it. For the first time in so long I feel a sense I can only describe as somewhere in between serenity and sublimity and thank you'

This is just  an excerpt from something I posted on Instagram the other week after the most magical week of hugs, kisses, travels and adventures and I feel like its an apt way to open this post

So a lot is crashing down upon me at once (both exciting and scary) and I have so many things to write and so many decisions to make but yesterday the most wonderful thing happened and I just have to write about this

First though allow me to run you through on a update of my highlights so far:

  • Changed my name and undergone a total rebrand (say hello to FEY)
  • Modelled for a photoshoot (and been on a date with one of the other models)
  • Performed as a backup dancer in a lip-sync piece (in front of hoomans)
  • Fortified so many wonderful friendships (shoutout to Olivia, Marilyn, Lea and Luna)
oh and of course, Ive broken a few hearts along the way 

So i take a module in asian studies, a subject Ive only ever very lightly touched upon during queer theory and in my essay feedback my lecturer told me she'd love to speak to me about whether I want to go further in this field

I took the lift to the seventh floor and after asking me how I was and to take a seat she began by telling me that frankly she was blown away with my work and the way in which I think. She asked if I've thought about where I want to go with my studies and I told her my interests at the moment lie in gothic and queer theory. 

She said that's quite a unique combination and that I should try and get in touch with contemporary theorists on this field

THEN she came out with 'you of course have to get a scholarship because you are without a doubt scholarship material' and me and my imposter syndrome were just like  
I told her that is something I'd never even considered and she was just like listing institutions and professors all across the globe I could look into

She asked if I had any idea where I want to go and I told her that before coming here I was so set on staying at Warwick but since coming here everything has changed. 

'There's just so much more to life here', I explained to her
'In what way?'

I reasoned with her that I've only ever lived in small towns in the UK and Melbourne has just opened my eyes to how theres just so much more to the world than what the english countryside, even with its dreamy pastoralism, has to offer.

She then challenged me by saying having lived in Canada for 10 years that was the place that opened her, whereas australia is the place she feels limits her. 

When I told her that this city is everything Id ever dreamed of, she said that the first place you travel to as an undergraduate always holds that value

such a wise and kind woman omg 

Also, if anyone is considering australia as a potential destination for academic success let me STOP u right there

This country is limitless in what is has to offer culturally, experientially and sensationally, but it is so far behind the rest of the world in its academic level

Like ,,,, even my professor was urging me to leave australia because of this and I see where she's coming from by saying it would limit me

I thanked her for the very unexpected summoning and she thanked me in return for getting to see how a mind like mine works 

THEN 

this is where I experienced the feeling I have no words to describe as anything other than the emotional apex 

For the past four years of being on anti depressants Ive become immune to the soul destroying effects of depression.

But whilst it prevents me falling to the absolute lows, Ive also felt that I can no longer reach the emotional highs I used to 

But in just a few words this wonderful woman temporarily uncapped my emotional limits when she asked me, 'would you like your essay published?'

I actually had to leave before the happy tears streamed down my face so I cuddled my galaxy bag and thanked her once again

at the door she stroked my back and said to me, 'its people like you who are going to change this world'

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