CAFFEINE AND CHAOS
SO MUCH CHAOS FOR ONE MORNING I WASNT CAFFEINATED ENOUGH FOR THIS
I awoke to a phone call from my grandma telling me that my cousin has just got engaged, and after checking the family group chat and seeing a whole myriad of ringed fingers flashing across a beachy backdrop I was just like, woAH OKAY WHATTA FLEX but also very excited for you !!! congrats girl !!! She really be the only multiracial person in our family, living in the carribean and working as a lawyer and now she's cuffed a man DAMN go girl
Equipping my mockingly necklace, my friend Luna and I walked to our creative writing lecture together. Yesterday, I was a rainbow amidst the grey masses, but today, with my dual braids, I was Katniss.
When we got to the lecture, naturally we were called out for being the late exchange students and a few slides later (with me by this point totally zoned out), Luna turned to me and said,
"Fey, look"
And on the screen was my work!! The professor confirmed she'd obtained my permission, telling me it was a complex and moving piece of literary activism. She asked me to explain what the extract was about, and I hesitantly contextualised it by saying it was about my visit to the Djab Wurring embassy camp in Ararat, an unforgettable experience I had that I hope to blog about soon.
AND THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING WENT << SO >> WRONG
The slide was titled 'Rafael Kapoor, Social Injustice'
MY DEADNAME WAS STARING ME IN THE FACE FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE and I just wanted so hard to look away
I had the chance to come here and introduce myself as Fey and no one would question whether there was another name by which I once went
but now the entire lecture theatre would hereafter question the validity and legitimacy of not just my name but my identity and how I've tried so hard to frame myself in ways that align with my inner self
All these efforts shattered in an instance. And the correct of my two names (surname) was misspelled would you look at that !
When she prompted the cohort to discuss my writing, misgendering me and causing the discussants to misgender me repeatedly also, i was by this point internally screaming but thank heck I had Luna next to me who said to me that maybe for my next assignment I could write a fictocritical piece on the nature of being non binary and the struggle not to be misgendered and thats actually not such a bad idea
Then when she started talking about me being from the NETHERLANDS (nope honey thats luna) my internal screaming became external laughter and I maybe repressed my hurt but i did not repress my giggles
This was when I got a message from a class acquaintance asking me if he wanted me to correct her, saying to me 'your pronouns are she/her right?'
ONCE AGAIN NO THIS IS ALL GOING SO WRONG but bless him for being such a kind ally
It's all just crashing down on me that when I return home people are going to be deadnaming and misgendering me constantly and its just so painful because when they do this they want me to be the genderqueer Raf that they first knew
But he's not me anymore. Im not him. I once was, but not anymore.
Im a Fey creature now and people need to reframe how they see me and accept me for my newest evolved form. I get that its hard but if Ashy and Elliot can do it why can't the rest of my friends? I guess its because most people's brains only operate in binaries and static notions but Im so lucky to have friends like Ashy and Elliot who don't for a second question that identity is capable of fluidity and evolution and once I find the terms to conceptualise my newfound nature they will call me by my new fucking name because they truly see me for who i am and not just who they want me to be.
And I love you both so much for that. They're truly the two friends from home who've made the most effort not to lose contact with me too. I was so scared Id grow apart from those closest to me being here, and with some I did. I lost someone I once considered one of my closest friends because of the 10 hour and 10,000 mile geotemporal chasm between us. But Ive come to realise that people like Ashy, who has without fail strived to keep our best friendship going for three years now, and Elliot who I only met a year ago but has not let our connection be worn away by any geotemporal barriers that try to come between us are a rare catch and I am blessed that our lives merged (plus he's such a night wolf so that works well being in the time and place of the upside down).
**
After the lecture was over the professor was like, you're not from the netherlands are you and I was like ,,,, no Im from England ,,,, and she was like yeah I saw you laughing !! She then told me to please come back and do my honours here (aussie master's equivalent I think) because I am such a good writer <3333
Then the best thing happened !! A Japanese Spitz puppy crossed my path and gave me so many kisses. The contours of his face echoed those of snowsephine's but he still had the innocuous glow of puppyhood that she had long since lost in the relics that survive of her within my memory.
I had a lecture on The Hunger Games and when the lecturer passed me the microphone to ask a question she said it was nice to have me in the theatre today (bc I usually have a clash but I just HAD to be at this lecture in the flesh)
Next I had a shift at the vegan restaurant on campus I volunteer at and it is the one place that truly brings me joy !! many of the staff are incredible queer women and its just such a wholesome vibe
I was dishing dahl and rice (not deserts or shade for once) and then I saw him. The boy Im ,,, low-key kinda dating but not sure ?? Immediately I ran out to him and we embraced with the hapiest hug and the softest kiss and my friend was just T H E R E whilst all this was happening and I was just like ,,, time to introduce !!! I bounced back to the service bar, my face all flushed with the post-kiss fluster and i was just to everyone like THATS HIM !! to which my boss (? I think thats what she is??) said 'they're pretty hot!' and I was a little concerned about the ethics of kissing a potential customer whilst Im on shift but I was very happy to tell everyone I just got a kiss and be validated for it . Wholesome content tuesday here for you
After that was over fed my friends the shift's leftovers and grabbed a tea, as i do each tuesday. Luna came and told me that her and the absolute king of an ally spoke to the lecturer after the workshop and i was very grateful but also very nervous because she emailed me asking if we could have a brief meeting, likely in response to this.
I thought about how I used to be the one who would come to the side of the bar to come to hide my crush, and its happening again but now Im the one behind the bar. The cycle is bittersweet but, I wonder, is it complete?
I awoke to a phone call from my grandma telling me that my cousin has just got engaged, and after checking the family group chat and seeing a whole myriad of ringed fingers flashing across a beachy backdrop I was just like, woAH OKAY WHATTA FLEX but also very excited for you !!! congrats girl !!! She really be the only multiracial person in our family, living in the carribean and working as a lawyer and now she's cuffed a man DAMN go girl
Equipping my mockingly necklace, my friend Luna and I walked to our creative writing lecture together. Yesterday, I was a rainbow amidst the grey masses, but today, with my dual braids, I was Katniss.
When we got to the lecture, naturally we were called out for being the late exchange students and a few slides later (with me by this point totally zoned out), Luna turned to me and said,
"Fey, look"
And on the screen was my work!! The professor confirmed she'd obtained my permission, telling me it was a complex and moving piece of literary activism. She asked me to explain what the extract was about, and I hesitantly contextualised it by saying it was about my visit to the Djab Wurring embassy camp in Ararat, an unforgettable experience I had that I hope to blog about soon.
AND THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING WENT << SO >> WRONG
The slide was titled 'Rafael Kapoor, Social Injustice'
MY DEADNAME WAS STARING ME IN THE FACE FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE and I just wanted so hard to look away
I had the chance to come here and introduce myself as Fey and no one would question whether there was another name by which I once went
but now the entire lecture theatre would hereafter question the validity and legitimacy of not just my name but my identity and how I've tried so hard to frame myself in ways that align with my inner self
All these efforts shattered in an instance. And the correct of my two names (surname) was misspelled would you look at that !
When she prompted the cohort to discuss my writing, misgendering me and causing the discussants to misgender me repeatedly also, i was by this point internally screaming but thank heck I had Luna next to me who said to me that maybe for my next assignment I could write a fictocritical piece on the nature of being non binary and the struggle not to be misgendered and thats actually not such a bad idea
Then when she started talking about me being from the NETHERLANDS (nope honey thats luna) my internal screaming became external laughter and I maybe repressed my hurt but i did not repress my giggles
This was when I got a message from a class acquaintance asking me if he wanted me to correct her, saying to me 'your pronouns are she/her right?'
ONCE AGAIN NO THIS IS ALL GOING SO WRONG but bless him for being such a kind ally
It's all just crashing down on me that when I return home people are going to be deadnaming and misgendering me constantly and its just so painful because when they do this they want me to be the genderqueer Raf that they first knew
But he's not me anymore. Im not him. I once was, but not anymore.
Im a Fey creature now and people need to reframe how they see me and accept me for my newest evolved form. I get that its hard but if Ashy and Elliot can do it why can't the rest of my friends? I guess its because most people's brains only operate in binaries and static notions but Im so lucky to have friends like Ashy and Elliot who don't for a second question that identity is capable of fluidity and evolution and once I find the terms to conceptualise my newfound nature they will call me by my new fucking name because they truly see me for who i am and not just who they want me to be.
And I love you both so much for that. They're truly the two friends from home who've made the most effort not to lose contact with me too. I was so scared Id grow apart from those closest to me being here, and with some I did. I lost someone I once considered one of my closest friends because of the 10 hour and 10,000 mile geotemporal chasm between us. But Ive come to realise that people like Ashy, who has without fail strived to keep our best friendship going for three years now, and Elliot who I only met a year ago but has not let our connection be worn away by any geotemporal barriers that try to come between us are a rare catch and I am blessed that our lives merged (plus he's such a night wolf so that works well being in the time and place of the upside down).
**
After the lecture was over the professor was like, you're not from the netherlands are you and I was like ,,,, no Im from England ,,,, and she was like yeah I saw you laughing !! She then told me to please come back and do my honours here (aussie master's equivalent I think) because I am such a good writer <3333
Then the best thing happened !! A Japanese Spitz puppy crossed my path and gave me so many kisses. The contours of his face echoed those of snowsephine's but he still had the innocuous glow of puppyhood that she had long since lost in the relics that survive of her within my memory.
I had a lecture on The Hunger Games and when the lecturer passed me the microphone to ask a question she said it was nice to have me in the theatre today (bc I usually have a clash but I just HAD to be at this lecture in the flesh)
Next I had a shift at the vegan restaurant on campus I volunteer at and it is the one place that truly brings me joy !! many of the staff are incredible queer women and its just such a wholesome vibe
I was dishing dahl and rice (not deserts or shade for once) and then I saw him. The boy Im ,,, low-key kinda dating but not sure ?? Immediately I ran out to him and we embraced with the hapiest hug and the softest kiss and my friend was just T H E R E whilst all this was happening and I was just like ,,, time to introduce !!! I bounced back to the service bar, my face all flushed with the post-kiss fluster and i was just to everyone like THATS HIM !! to which my boss (? I think thats what she is??) said 'they're pretty hot!' and I was a little concerned about the ethics of kissing a potential customer whilst Im on shift but I was very happy to tell everyone I just got a kiss and be validated for it . Wholesome content tuesday here for you
After that was over fed my friends the shift's leftovers and grabbed a tea, as i do each tuesday. Luna came and told me that her and the absolute king of an ally spoke to the lecturer after the workshop and i was very grateful but also very nervous because she emailed me asking if we could have a brief meeting, likely in response to this.
I thought about how I used to be the one who would come to the side of the bar to come to hide my crush, and its happening again but now Im the one behind the bar. The cycle is bittersweet but, I wonder, is it complete?
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