PRIDE 2019

Hello faeries I hope you're all okay

As beautiful and magical as Australia may be, homesickness is consuming me. Each morning I awaken I look out at the courtyard and, when I remember where I am, all I can do is force myself back to sleep so I can return to the homeland I miss so much

Just twelve weeks, I tell myself, then I can go home.

So I want to return to the most magical and colourful weekend of my life :: London Pride 2019 !!

Since my dad was going to see his parents this weekend, I caught a lift with him which was exciting but not fun when he made unnecessary comments about my weight (or perceived weightlessness), some voyeristic/ misogynistic roadside breakdown commentary (for which I called him out) and finally an unspoken hostility as I armed myself with the queer ammunition of my makeup that makes me ready to prowl but not immune to attack.

Road narratives are always so fascinating to me because Ive only ever experienced the passivity of being a passenger being taken somewhere far away, onlooking the many different landscapes through which we pass to reach our final destination. And this was the first of just many places I would be travelling this year.

As we were on the motorway, I began to apply my foundation and my father made the innocuous comment that I seem very experienced doing this on the road. I assured him that there have been many trains, buses and coaches on which Ive done this so I have a surprising sagacity for this despite being a shaky anxious vibrational mess at any given time !!

But when I whipped out my eyeshadow palette, taking my cosmetic game from the colourless to the colour-replete, I could see my dad mask a vexation behind a defensive smirk of falsely happy resignation.

'What is it?' I questioned him.
'nothing don't worry', he lied.
Having already called him out for his problematic comments twice, I probed him to speak, telling him, 'you can say it okay, I don't mind.'

But evasively, he left me with the cryptic maxim that 'some things are better left unsaid...'

So he quite clearly has an issue with me wearing makeup, but because of his non-confrontational geniality he is willing to brush it off to let me be myself.

I wish I could just say to him look, you may not care about how you look and I know that in the fantasy of your filial eye you see me as nothing other than your near-perfect prodigy. But I don't like the face you gave me, so this is what I have to do.

By recontouring the cheekbones I wish have been shaped in the frame of my mother, this is how I reclaim the face I loathe so much.

Instead of inheriting my maternal traits facially, I received them all mentally !! That woman is blessed with beauty and brains and ok being brainy is fun but I also got the (pre)disposition to all the mental ill-heath !! thanks mum LOVE U

I could have been so beautiful, had genetic fate been in my favour.

I feel like subconsciously I'm mad not at my dad for giving me the ugly, but at my mother for not giving me the timeless and enduring feminine beauty that shines so unfalteringly through her perfectly high cheekbones and mesmerically large eyeholes. But no I got a face squarer than spongebob's pants and eye's smaller than plankton's chance of ever outsmarting mr crabs happy inheritance games the odds were NOT in my favour

perhaps they would have been for the sister my mother miscarried before I was born.

Something thats hitting me hard lately is the realisation of my withering vitality so I apologise for this egocentric aesthetic digression. But this, my kind followers, is for another blog.

ANYWAY my dad dropped me off in Camden Town and I walked through the high street and my pulse beat harder and harder as the forces of the heat, my forgotten medication and lingering insecurities hit me as I entered the streets alone. But I focused on the new familiarity of this little touristy zone and found solace in knowing that Im in the coolest place in the city !! Also side note gentrification is not okay but I love the liminality of Camden in how it sits just on the territory of zone one/two and perfectly conflates capital city tourism with happy hipster bohemia

After picking up a bottle of hemp water and a bar of chocolate, I hopped on the bus to Tamlin's. I was approached by this lovely elderly lady who eyed up my sparkles and said to me, 'you're gonna have the most wonderful celebration today!!' and it melted my heart to be greeted with such humanity from a stranger who I would usually fear, especially in the state I was in where I had my queerness so unapologetically on display - something Im usually only comfortable doing in the shadows of the night and the dark corners of the clubs.

I managed to catch all my friends just as they were outside Tam's and after hugging everyone hello I was immediately passed some pink gin which burned the very membrane of my throat

fittingly it was unmixed since ye know us olde queer'uns gotta practise burning in hell I mean why else do we drink so much

OH YEAH SATAN THINK YOU CAN TORTURE US WITH THOSE FLAMES ?? TOO BAD BC WE ALREADY SPENT OUR WHOLE LIVES BURNING OUR INSIDES WITH ETHANOL BITCH

I was taken aback a little at the strange dislocation felt meeting all my closest queer friends outside of uni or the midlands but being centralised in London was such an exciting new way to experience our wonderful dynamic in a more colourful and capacious environment before I fled from our happy queer nest to fly south for the year (this metaphor works on so many levels omg)

We arrived at the bacchanalian parade where I swapped my flats for my boots and strutted amongst my queer legion, a dark inky blot in comparison to their rainbow'd spectrality but contrary to the lies with which my social anxiety seeks to drown me, I realise(d) I was as much a part of them as anyone else. My friends were all as happy to see me in this moment as I was to see them, and that I have no doubt.

The humidity was suffocating me (and not in the good way) so after being introduced to Tam and Renee's London friends I stripped off my t shirt and replaced it with a sleeveless crop top, unveiling my grotesquely unshaven shoulders for all the crowd to see but not caring because I knew I was in a safe environment where my gender was not contingent upon my bodily hair/lessness but the friends that surrounded me and would validate me eternally <3

Perhaps an ironic highlight of the day was our encounter with the christian extremists, sectioned off like caged animals - I wonder if for their safety or ours? Their homiletic agenda was an insubstantial drone in comparison to the seismic soundscape of born this way that was blasting in oppositional response to their queerphobia, layered by the glorious chants of 'GOD LOVES COCK'

If you thought we had no more queer ammunition, a heroically chaotic good gay couple interrupted the preacher's sermon by voraciaciously consuming each others faces and as much as I hoped the display was purely performative (because that is not how to kiss) it was a wonderful counter backlash that made the preachers very face flush with suppressed anger.

Also take a look at this omg

what happens when society casts off its christian foundations, you ask?

SHOPS OPEN ,,,,,,, ON SUNDAYS ??????????

QUE ESCANDALOSA

We have to remember that religion and queerness are not enemies - its just clusters like this who blow the scriptures out of proportion. But seeing does make me appreciate how lucky I am that my parents eschewed their religious heritage because that would have added a whole other dimension to navigate when coming out. I still doubt they'll ever gender me correctly (my pronouns are they/them now in case you didn't know) but I hope everyone who does have to reconcile family, religion and queerness manage to find solidarity because you deserve to follow your faith and be who you are !!

After this heated moment we descended the steps and sat in hyde park where we got to know each other through the infernal method of

I c e b r e a k e r s 

This is usually something I hate most but instead of just fearfully and tentatively saying our name and a FUN FACT ABOUT US we instead revealed our favourite beyonce song and our favourite sex position, a nice queer twist if you ask me.

Since you're all dying to know I told everyone 'my fav beyonce song is if I were a boy and my fav sex position is missionary because Im a basic fucking bitch'

at least my answer was original and got a laugh from the group so I did well I think

one thing Ive realised lately is that I make a good first impression because I can convert my social anxiety into humour but sustaining that is a struggle when Im just so painfully awkward and thats when I loose my coolness although I know Im likeable overall its just a fear of mine that I become less liable the more a person knows me but thats social anxiety !!

I spoke to this girl called Rajm who I met on the bus home a couple of weeks earlier and she apologised for being such a drunk mess but in fact, I was a drunk mess divulging all the tea to a stranger !! She said to me she could tell Im not nearly drunk enough so kindly shared some of her rum with me whilst we played an iconic round of never have I ever.

Afterwards we fragmented into little subgroups and watched the parade go by. I was the happiest lil spectator when a dark haired person marching came over and hugged me over the railings and told me I was beautiful; I hope they heard me return the compliment as they ran to catch up with their group but I guess I'll never know.

We reconvened at this incredible coffee shop/ clothes store/ club hybrid where even more of my friends were and it was such a wonderfully energetic vibe in this strange mongrelised place as tam shared around his very overpriced biscoff iced coffee and I reunited with sinead for the first time since our final night out of term 3 I think

Traversing the city some more, Rene clocked exactly what Rajm had earlier and said to me the fatal words, 'Raf, you're not nearly as drunk as you're pretending to be drink this rum' and somehow I ended up fucked in waterstones but quickly sobered up though not before snapping a few cute photos with alex and eliz

As dusk arrived, we sat in Russell Square and enjoyed a glitter-filled sunset comprising the sparkliest particles which was followed by an exiting trip to tesco, and pret where I bought the warmest tomato soup. I returned to the spot in which we were previously sat but chaos was bubbling and I fled to meet my friend Ze, a beautiful nonbinary friend of mine from Prague introduced to me by our mutual friend Logan

Before all that, however, I had the cutest moment with James who said to me the kindest thing:

'Raf I just wanted to say that you are the most non-binary person Ive ever met; you just mix masculinity and femininity so perfectly in both your style and mannerisms'

Whilst we perhaps shouldn't encourage ranking noxnbinary presentation since its something so subjective and with potentially unlimited expressive potentialities, I took this moment of honest confession so gratefully and almost teared up with bliss.

He knows that he, as a cis, is inherely subordinate to me AND he sees me for who I am? damn maybe there is hope for the non-tran humanoid (but only time will tell whether they die out like I forecast or live on and ... maybe .... hopefully .... breed more of us)

I was so blessed at his words and told him that meant so much to me (and BOY does he know how to complement an enby) and after declining his subsequent kind offer of ecstasy I went to meet Ze

This was the third time we'd met after being introduced by our wonderful mutual friend logan but this time it was just the two of us ((I hope thats not snakey of me omg))

I met them at the corner of the park and I saw their unmistakable punkish blonde vibe that makes them glow from so far. As we hugged hello they jokingly said to me, 'its nice to meet you (again)!!', a reference to last time I saw them when they said the same thing to me, before realising we had in fact been very well acquainted during our previous, and first encounter...

I thanked them for actually remembering who I was this time and told them they just get blonder each time I see them

When I returned everyone was in total panic mode and like RAF WHERE DID YOU GO EVERYONE HAS ALL YOUR THINGS SEPARATELY but all I could respond is WHERE ARE MY BOOTS ARE THEY OK oh alex has them thanks boy

and I was just like fuck I was gone for ten minutes and the whole group falls apart? damn at my adhesivity who needs pritt stick when I'm right here

I reintroduced Ze to the group and acquainted them with the new members as we headed back towards Tam's to take photos and drop off our bags. Tam offered me one of his coats but Ze kindly let me wear their denim jacket and I wore it with much pridefully as we traversed Soho searching for a club to enter

But the events of 365 days previously were repeating themselves, only this time there was no ashy (sadly) and no world cup (thankfully)

Ashy and I, during our final day kept noting how everything was coming full circle and I truly do believe in the cyclicality of experience; its just with each return you see things through a new optic

last year everything was so clouded by fear, but this year I could see clearer than ever (even if my eyesight is deteriorating with age)

We ended up just picking up some repulsive(ly) overpriced wine from an off-licence and returning to Tam's, where we got adequately fucked and queued up to have our makeup done by Eri and look at us can you name a hotter trio I don't think so

Also, me and dan have this tradition where he gets a snap of me with every cute person I pull so enjoy this adorable black and blonde embrace. I wish all the racists could see this and fume their bigoted little brains and not to politicise a kiss but it makes me so happy to see this and realise that some people don't see my race as a barrier to attractiveness even if others have told me otherwise

All the bacchanalian ecstasy of the streets became localised within Tam's living room but eventually all the collective energy began to falter. Ze kindly offered to take me back to theirs so Tam and Rene walked us to the bus stop and I said goodbye to the iconic interracial power couple with whom Id grown so close over the past few months and tapped onto the bus where we found the final spare space at the far left corner of the bus.

We found a soporific comfort in one another's hands and before long we reached the district in which Ze's stunning accommodation was found. They showed me the ominous Victorian school which lay dormant in a state of Gothic abandonment opposite the glassy modernity of Ze's accommodation block.

Theres something so striking about the city that holds on to its architectural heritage but being unafraid to interpolate it with unapologetic modernity, and its this feature, I think, that makes me fall for every cosmopolitan capital which I enter

Ill never let myself fall for any human but I will, forever and always, bow down to a city that pushes me out of the mundane and into the sublime.

I love the quaint little hometown from which I sprouted, but what Ive learnt in my search for sublimity is that I need a city that will charge me, and I will not stand for a small town which drains me.

After a wonderful night with Ze they let me steal a t shirt and jumper before buying me all the sushi for breakfast and walking me to the tube station

Passing the school in the dimly lit rainfall of the following morning I realised the place was now sapped of all its dark power over me. I felt juvenile for ascribing so much power to a site that seemed just another overcast cloud hanging perhaps a little too low.

But still, I wondered about all the gothic children who lived, learned and lied within those deserted walls and all the memories contained within the place in which no one will ever step foot again

And likewise, all the memories I made queering the many places in London that no one but us will ever know.

Pride gave me the most perfect way to say goodbye to everyone I love so much, and when Im in my room 10,000 miles away I think to myself how many people can say they went out with a blast the way I did?

I entered a dark inkblot and left a prismatic explosion of all the rainbow happiness and thank you everyone who made my final weekend so magical and beautiful, I love you all and don't forget me when Im gone because, boy Imma be back a year from now more powerful, resilient and confident than ever and y'all better be ready

But until then, stay safe and thank you for everything <3