Ends & Beginnings
I have a friend who loathes goodbyes so passionately, he tears away away the final page of every book he reads just so that it never has to be over
what a poetic little fuckboy right ??
But even though he fears the very words they contain, something compells him to anthologise the strange power they have over him. Maybe he hopes he can harness its power, but he's pretty kinky so i wouldn't be surprised if theres some fear-based gratification going on or something ngl ....
he collects every last page and somewhere, anthologised within reach, he's created his own textual frankenstein like Im haunted by many things but nothing of my own material creation omfg
I just thought I would preface my return with this lil anecdotal epigraph because this fear of goodbyes is something pretty pertinent to me right now, especially as someone who falls to suppressive denial so that they don't have to confront the farewells
***
I live in Melbourne now and it was an impulsive decision to escape my cruel domestic partner and in my worn down state the promise of a year abroad seemed to me the only conceivable escape.
Thankfully, by march one of my best friends let me move in with her and from then I just went from strength to strength! But I decided to stick through with my decision because fuck everyone like him who tells me Im not gonna be capable because I am here now and missing home like heck but I am only looking forward and only moving forward because as my counsellor taught me, the only person I need to be enfettered to is my evolved self: the person I could become, the person I will some day become.
It is wonderful here but nights are cold, lonesome and taxing, especially when I awaken at 1am and see the faces of my friends trapped in photographic snapshots and it finally hits me
I am 10,000 miles away from all the people Ive ever dared to love.
When Ive tried to express this as my biggest fear about going abroad for a year, so many people, so many cold-blooded despots have said to me - with such a happy callousness - "bUt yOuLl mAkE nEW friENDS"
and ?? um ,,,, I'm like ,,, heck no ?? how can anyone possibly think like that ??? it just makes me pity anyone who truly thinks like that bc like, yeah I've met some great people already but nothing will compare to the special and unique friendships Ive forged over the years
Where will I find someone like Serena who will stroke my hair until I fall asleep and tell me what a cute napper I am considering that I am also a gross scaly prehistoric monster ??
Where will I find someone like Cathy who will brush her teeth with me night after night, sing silly little songs that make the outside observer question our sanity but we don't care because our bond is beyond the judgments of others and finish the night with 'slep so well okay baby'
Where do I find a witchy pomchi like Elliot to reassure me my actions are okay bc poodles, by their very nature, were designed to be silly :((
thats right ,,,, nowhere else
Friends are not interchangeable and displaceable and anyone who tries to dismiss my concern as
damn I feel sorry for the friends that you quite clearly commodify
each platonic bond is special and unique DONT TAKE YOUR FRIENDS FOR GRANTED PEOPLE OKAY
My final night in leamington, in true rafpunzel style, was saturated with scandal and impetuosity
Cathy, her boyfriend and I played a spongebob drinking game and it really makes you realise how overused some of the comic tropes are
We ordered vegan papa johns pizza and drank nordic berry cider whilst we watched it and after a lil photoshoot in which I donned Cathy's tan bomber jacket we went over to the old library, a place Id never entered
I met up with Dan, Rene and James afterwards and for some reason I was just cracking jokes left right and centre !! James and I went into a strip club around the corner from my house and I got kicked out for pole dancing but hey I was working that dance floor and it was empty so what did they expect ??
Afterwards, we went back to my place and played Cards Against Humanity, a game to which my dark mind is troubling attuned.
Dan told me my witticism would make me a really good comedian and Rene agreed I should do stand up so when they left I drafted a lil skitch
But my final day, fuck that was tough.
I awoke to the dusty room in which Id found my solace these past three months and took the bus to see my friend River. We had a cute encounter in which he made me some matcha tea in a mini cauldron which made me feel like I was drinking outta Shrek's swamp
ooh fun fact: I love accents but one that I will never perfect is the Scottish accent because I have been told, by many, that I do, the WORST shrek impression of all time. Its my one party trick, and without that I have nothing.
Everywhere I go people ask to hear quite possibly
and the feedback ranges from confused
here are some snippets I have received
- 'ok you got the wORDS right but nothing else was even slightly shrek'
- 'what the fuck did I just hear'
- 'you sound like a diseased sheep'
It was so hot that day but we had a lovely conversation in which we compared our types (what else do gays talk about other than boys) and he said that his is long haired guys, to which I responded by sweeping my curls in front of my right shoulder and being like 'oh ok so you only kissed that night me bc I'm AMAB and have long hairs woAH'
and he told me as fantastic as my hairs are, I don't fall under that category. Is this what validation feels like or what :')
not to be seen essentially but for who i am inside, even if my shave isn't as close as i want or my
He gave me two hugs at the doorstep and he asked when Id be back and I said christmas perhaps so I hope I can see everyone then but flights are gonna be expensive then :((
and that was the first prong in the trident of goodbyes I had to make that day
I took the bus to an obscurely liminal medical centre to have my health examination as part of my visa application but only after paying did I discover the tests were invalid !! nice love life
Theres something about that place that makes the memory so memorially vivid, perhaps because I wanted never to leave, to grow old in that moment like every other patient that surrounded me, so that I wouldn't have to finish the tragic triad of partings that on that day I had to make
After leaving, I caught the bus for the final time and wondered how different things would feel sixteen months from now when we were reunited
I am convinced the west midlands has the prettiest bus service in the world Imma miss you platinum 11 stay powerful but maybe try and get a lil more punctual for when Im back please
When I returned to the house for the last time, I gathered together the rest of my belongings and wondered why I was doing this to myself, why I was leaving behind the life I love so much.
But I can't grow, I can't flourish into the forest faery I want to someday become if I stay still. Ive lived in five different cities in the past four years, each of which has pushed me to be someone different and new
I always thought it was the fairy lights, the succulents, and the posters on the walls that turn a room into a home
but now I realise it all means nothing, not without a cathy
I watched my best friend cry and i wished I could do the same but there's something in me that lets my tears amount in my eyes but will not let them fall. I remember in my youth at times wanting to cry, and I could have but Id stop myself and say NO I have to save these tears within me
If only Id have known that some day I wouldn't have this choice any more, no matter how much I longed for it
Maybe our supply of tears is finite, but I wonder where did mine go? Did I use them all up on snowsephine, or are they buried somewhere, just waiting for the right trauma key to unlock them lmao
Cathy cried and begged me to look after myself, and in return I thanked her for all the happiness she brings me every morning with her little silly singsongs and her unfiltered thoughts and that this is not the end; if anything it's just giving us longer together because we're gonna be reunited in fourth year and we'll live together once more we'll just have so many more memories and experiences to share.
As we parted, I said to her, 'thank you for giving me a home'. I know home is just an ideological construct but, with cathy, its as close to real as it ever could be.
'nonono, thank YOU roof' (she calls me roof not like the thing which sits atop of a house but the sound that a dog makes, since I am a doge)
and I fingered her sandy spirals for the last time and walked towards my dads car, telling myself I wouldn't look back knowing Id just run back into my best friend's arms but temptation overcame me and I ran straight back down the pathway for one final hug, one final moment of pain I just couldn't let go
***
Somehow, the stars aligned and on my final day in leamington elliot's anthology arrived !! so I asked my dad if we could pass through coventry since its on the way home and as he dropped me off to meet him, he told me to take as long as I needed.
I stood some distance from the entrance before messaging elliot to let him know I had arrived and he came, floofier than ever, and after diving in for a hug he passed me a floral gift bag containing all the things Id left behind, alongside of course his book. I apologised for the messy post-cathy goodbye state in which I was in but I felt lofty and poignant as I said to him,
'everything is gonna change'.
'not everything...you'll get a nice tan' !! reassuring, thanks elliot xox although I cannot wait to release my glowy asiatic darkness and reach close to the shades my mother suffered so much colourism for
Since he was ill I offered him some healing potions, to which he responded with 'no... this is lemsip I hate lemsip please take these back !!' can't fool a witch what can I say but he assured me he'd left a present in my bag for me and I don't know whether he was alluding to the incense sticks or his book, or maybe the hair ties which kept the sticks together, but I stood back and watched him with my sad pupper eyes knowing this could be the last time I see him for so long
I asked if I could kiss his forehead and he said yes, so after brushing away his overgrown tendrils to unveil his skin he, in an arthurian return, gave me two chivalric hand kisses followed by a final hug to frame our final encounter
As I came to my senses and began to realise what was really happening, he said to me,
'don't look at me like that :(('
There was so much I wish I could have said in that moment but bc I'm a smooth motherfucker I just left him with 'Im... totally not gonna miss you at all '
'okay tuff guy'
((like it really ruff guy
jUSt can't get enuff guy
cHesT alwAYS so pUFFED GUY)) fuck I just love billie eyelash
As we drove back to my childhood home, I had not the strength to talk so I requested that we just listen to lana as I absorbed the west midland countryside
Saying goodbye to the two people you've grown closest two in the past sixth months is something I really don't want to have to do again but Im probably going to have to with the amount I move around why I gotta be such an itinerant spirit grRRr
I opened the book to find inscribed on the inside of the cover a personalised message by elliot himself in which he thanked me for being one of his best friends at warwick and that I will 'shine so bright in the land down under that all the spoods and sneks will call me their sovereign'
When I returned to my mothers, I gave her a glacial hug and asked her in which room I should put my things.
Since Ive been gone she has DISPOSSESSED me of my room so I assumed I would be consigned to the spare room, but this time she revealed to have decolonised my room, knowing in her motherly heart that I needed it more than ever
So I collapsed on the bed in which I spend my adolescence growing up on, and cried real tears.
I cried for the life Id left behind; I cried at the thought of abandoning the people I love so dearly.
My mother tried to console me but in my fractured state I told her I just really need to be alone for now, something I haven't said to anyone for a long time.
This is something I need to confront whilst Im gone: being okay in the company of myself. I spend every waking second immersed in the presence of my friends who I know love me because I can't stand a second with the person who loathes me most: myself.
How ironic that I'm running 10,000 miles away to stop running away from myself
--
don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not
but at best I can say Im not sad
- Lana Del Rey
what a poetic little fuckboy right ??
But even though he fears the very words they contain, something compells him to anthologise the strange power they have over him. Maybe he hopes he can harness its power, but he's pretty kinky so i wouldn't be surprised if theres some fear-based gratification going on or something ngl ....
he collects every last page and somewhere, anthologised within reach, he's created his own textual frankenstein like Im haunted by many things but nothing of my own material creation omfg
I just thought I would preface my return with this lil anecdotal epigraph because this fear of goodbyes is something pretty pertinent to me right now, especially as someone who falls to suppressive denial so that they don't have to confront the farewells
***
I live in Melbourne now and it was an impulsive decision to escape my cruel domestic partner and in my worn down state the promise of a year abroad seemed to me the only conceivable escape.
Thankfully, by march one of my best friends let me move in with her and from then I just went from strength to strength! But I decided to stick through with my decision because fuck everyone like him who tells me Im not gonna be capable because I am here now and missing home like heck but I am only looking forward and only moving forward because as my counsellor taught me, the only person I need to be enfettered to is my evolved self: the person I could become, the person I will some day become.
It is wonderful here but nights are cold, lonesome and taxing, especially when I awaken at 1am and see the faces of my friends trapped in photographic snapshots and it finally hits me
I am 10,000 miles away from all the people Ive ever dared to love.
When Ive tried to express this as my biggest fear about going abroad for a year, so many people, so many cold-blooded despots have said to me - with such a happy callousness - "bUt yOuLl mAkE nEW friENDS"
and ?? um ,,,, I'm like ,,, heck no ?? how can anyone possibly think like that ??? it just makes me pity anyone who truly thinks like that bc like, yeah I've met some great people already but nothing will compare to the special and unique friendships Ive forged over the years
Where will I find someone like Serena who will stroke my hair until I fall asleep and tell me what a cute napper I am considering that I am also a gross scaly prehistoric monster ??
Where will I find someone like Cathy who will brush her teeth with me night after night, sing silly little songs that make the outside observer question our sanity but we don't care because our bond is beyond the judgments of others and finish the night with 'slep so well okay baby'
Where do I find a witchy pomchi like Elliot to reassure me my actions are okay bc poodles, by their very nature, were designed to be silly :((
thats right ,,,, nowhere else
Friends are not interchangeable and displaceable and anyone who tries to dismiss my concern as
damn I feel sorry for the friends that you quite clearly commodify
each platonic bond is special and unique DONT TAKE YOUR FRIENDS FOR GRANTED PEOPLE OKAY
My final night in leamington, in true rafpunzel style, was saturated with scandal and impetuosity
Cathy, her boyfriend and I played a spongebob drinking game and it really makes you realise how overused some of the comic tropes are
We ordered vegan papa johns pizza and drank nordic berry cider whilst we watched it and after a lil photoshoot in which I donned Cathy's tan bomber jacket we went over to the old library, a place Id never entered
I met up with Dan, Rene and James afterwards and for some reason I was just cracking jokes left right and centre !! James and I went into a strip club around the corner from my house and I got kicked out for pole dancing but hey I was working that dance floor and it was empty so what did they expect ??
Afterwards, we went back to my place and played Cards Against Humanity, a game to which my dark mind is troubling attuned.
Dan told me my witticism would make me a really good comedian and Rene agreed I should do stand up so when they left I drafted a lil skitch
But my final day, fuck that was tough.
I awoke to the dusty room in which Id found my solace these past three months and took the bus to see my friend River. We had a cute encounter in which he made me some matcha tea in a mini cauldron which made me feel like I was drinking outta Shrek's swamp
ooh fun fact: I love accents but one that I will never perfect is the Scottish accent because I have been told, by many, that I do, the WORST shrek impression of all time. Its my one party trick, and without that I have nothing.
Everywhere I go people ask to hear quite possibly
and the feedback ranges from confused
here are some snippets I have received
- 'ok you got the wORDS right but nothing else was even slightly shrek'
- 'what the fuck did I just hear'
- 'you sound like a diseased sheep'
It was so hot that day but we had a lovely conversation in which we compared our types (what else do gays talk about other than boys) and he said that his is long haired guys, to which I responded by sweeping my curls in front of my right shoulder and being like 'oh ok so you only kissed that night me bc I'm AMAB and have long hairs woAH'
and he told me as fantastic as my hairs are, I don't fall under that category. Is this what validation feels like or what :')
not to be seen essentially but for who i am inside, even if my shave isn't as close as i want or my
He gave me two hugs at the doorstep and he asked when Id be back and I said christmas perhaps so I hope I can see everyone then but flights are gonna be expensive then :((
and that was the first prong in the trident of goodbyes I had to make that day
I took the bus to an obscurely liminal medical centre to have my health examination as part of my visa application but only after paying did I discover the tests were invalid !! nice love life
Theres something about that place that makes the memory so memorially vivid, perhaps because I wanted never to leave, to grow old in that moment like every other patient that surrounded me, so that I wouldn't have to finish the tragic triad of partings that on that day I had to make
After leaving, I caught the bus for the final time and wondered how different things would feel sixteen months from now when we were reunited
I am convinced the west midlands has the prettiest bus service in the world Imma miss you platinum 11 stay powerful but maybe try and get a lil more punctual for when Im back please
When I returned to the house for the last time, I gathered together the rest of my belongings and wondered why I was doing this to myself, why I was leaving behind the life I love so much.
But I can't grow, I can't flourish into the forest faery I want to someday become if I stay still. Ive lived in five different cities in the past four years, each of which has pushed me to be someone different and new
I always thought it was the fairy lights, the succulents, and the posters on the walls that turn a room into a home
but now I realise it all means nothing, not without a cathy
I watched my best friend cry and i wished I could do the same but there's something in me that lets my tears amount in my eyes but will not let them fall. I remember in my youth at times wanting to cry, and I could have but Id stop myself and say NO I have to save these tears within me
If only Id have known that some day I wouldn't have this choice any more, no matter how much I longed for it
Maybe our supply of tears is finite, but I wonder where did mine go? Did I use them all up on snowsephine, or are they buried somewhere, just waiting for the right trauma key to unlock them lmao
Cathy cried and begged me to look after myself, and in return I thanked her for all the happiness she brings me every morning with her little silly singsongs and her unfiltered thoughts and that this is not the end; if anything it's just giving us longer together because we're gonna be reunited in fourth year and we'll live together once more we'll just have so many more memories and experiences to share.
As we parted, I said to her, 'thank you for giving me a home'. I know home is just an ideological construct but, with cathy, its as close to real as it ever could be.
'nonono, thank YOU roof' (she calls me roof not like the thing which sits atop of a house but the sound that a dog makes, since I am a doge)
and I fingered her sandy spirals for the last time and walked towards my dads car, telling myself I wouldn't look back knowing Id just run back into my best friend's arms but temptation overcame me and I ran straight back down the pathway for one final hug, one final moment of pain I just couldn't let go
***
Somehow, the stars aligned and on my final day in leamington elliot's anthology arrived !! so I asked my dad if we could pass through coventry since its on the way home and as he dropped me off to meet him, he told me to take as long as I needed.
I stood some distance from the entrance before messaging elliot to let him know I had arrived and he came, floofier than ever, and after diving in for a hug he passed me a floral gift bag containing all the things Id left behind, alongside of course his book. I apologised for the messy post-cathy goodbye state in which I was in but I felt lofty and poignant as I said to him,
'everything is gonna change'.
'not everything...you'll get a nice tan' !! reassuring, thanks elliot xox although I cannot wait to release my glowy asiatic darkness and reach close to the shades my mother suffered so much colourism for
Since he was ill I offered him some healing potions, to which he responded with 'no... this is lemsip I hate lemsip please take these back !!' can't fool a witch what can I say but he assured me he'd left a present in my bag for me and I don't know whether he was alluding to the incense sticks or his book, or maybe the hair ties which kept the sticks together, but I stood back and watched him with my sad pupper eyes knowing this could be the last time I see him for so long
I asked if I could kiss his forehead and he said yes, so after brushing away his overgrown tendrils to unveil his skin he, in an arthurian return, gave me two chivalric hand kisses followed by a final hug to frame our final encounter
As I came to my senses and began to realise what was really happening, he said to me,
'don't look at me like that :(('
There was so much I wish I could have said in that moment but bc I'm a smooth motherfucker I just left him with 'Im... totally not gonna miss you at all '
'okay tuff guy'
((like it really ruff guy
jUSt can't get enuff guy
cHesT alwAYS so pUFFED GUY)) fuck I just love billie eyelash
As we drove back to my childhood home, I had not the strength to talk so I requested that we just listen to lana as I absorbed the west midland countryside
Saying goodbye to the two people you've grown closest two in the past sixth months is something I really don't want to have to do again but Im probably going to have to with the amount I move around why I gotta be such an itinerant spirit grRRr
I opened the book to find inscribed on the inside of the cover a personalised message by elliot himself in which he thanked me for being one of his best friends at warwick and that I will 'shine so bright in the land down under that all the spoods and sneks will call me their sovereign'
When I returned to my mothers, I gave her a glacial hug and asked her in which room I should put my things.
Since Ive been gone she has DISPOSSESSED me of my room so I assumed I would be consigned to the spare room, but this time she revealed to have decolonised my room, knowing in her motherly heart that I needed it more than ever
So I collapsed on the bed in which I spend my adolescence growing up on, and cried real tears.
I cried for the life Id left behind; I cried at the thought of abandoning the people I love so dearly.
My mother tried to console me but in my fractured state I told her I just really need to be alone for now, something I haven't said to anyone for a long time.
This is something I need to confront whilst Im gone: being okay in the company of myself. I spend every waking second immersed in the presence of my friends who I know love me because I can't stand a second with the person who loathes me most: myself.
How ironic that I'm running 10,000 miles away to stop running away from myself
--
don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not
but at best I can say Im not sad
- Lana Del Rey
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