Metapsychosis

I've come to the conclusion that my brain is an insatiable psychoslut

before I start happy birthday to one of my most loyal followers jacob you're the best!! <3

Sunday was a v sad day because my dad called me and said 'Raf I need to come over and talk to you about something in person' and I said 'okay come over now but wHAT HAVE I DONE????' and he said I'm not in trouble but he'd rather speak in person

Whilst I waited in fear during the twenty minutes between the end of the call and his arrival I sliced up a salad for phoeb but he was dark and curled up with his beard pressed on the floor of his vivarium so I left a few watercress leaves in his bowl and turned off his lights so he could sleep

he must think I'm a God bc to him I have the power to transform day into night with the flick of a switch but then religion is a social construct and as you all know phoeb is the epitome of not falling into the fallacy of social conditioning because yeah he's a boy and yeah his name is pheebs but he knows names, like souls, have no gender

woah didn't see this metaphysical philosophy coming at all

When my dad arrived he asked if we could go for a walk and after all that's happened I've learnt that I gotta live the rest of my life with no regrets so I said to my dad 'any chance summer could come with us??' and he said yes so I knew something scary mustve happened

She doesn't like leaving the driveway so I carried her onto the street and then she followed along like a magnetised cloud and my dad said to me 'so I wanted to talk to you away from the lodgers because your mum and michael turned up at my house and she's in tears and she's talking about wanting to run away from everything and she has nowhere else to go so I think she wants to move in with me like soon like tonight soon because there's no way she's coming back here tonight'.

!!!!

My first reaction was but the dogs???? There's no way I'm letting them stay with the bitch abusive retard michael

and my dad said 'I know but I'm making a sacrifice by letting you have phoebe and I believe you and your mum have a bond and if she's okay you're okay'

I told him I love this dog more than anything and asked if I could just spend one last night with her before going to his house </3 all I ask is
if
this is my last night with you
hold me like I'm more than just a friend
give me a memory
I can use

I still remember the first time I heard this song when I was on the bus and then I was diagnosed with depression hmm adele coincidence??? I don't think so

I confessed to my dad that my mum's way of dealing with depression was by ignoring it and I fear over time its developed  into manic depression

I feel like bipolar disorder is so stigmatised but I really want my mum to get a diagnosis but its a psychosis thus she lacks psychological insight, hence the oxymoronic nature of metapsychosis because there's a bridge that connects neurosis and psychosis but across the way the path becomes increasingly tenuous, the stones smaller and the gravel more fragile until you find you cannot transgress the boundary between awareness and oblivion

I thought I would never know which is crueler until I left for school yesterday and I realised during the apex of my psychological break over christmas, what I thought were just obsessional thoughts may have actually been delusions

I was diagnosed as suffering a 'severe depressive episode' and anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure) but now I wonder if I was actually suffering depressive psychosis??? I was too fearful of the manifestations of my delusions if I told anyone of my beliefs back when they governed my thoughts that I almost took it to my grave until that was exhumed upon seeing it in my mother

a few weeks ago when I was sick I heard her on the phone to the doctor saying 'he's severely underweight and if he loses one more kilogram I'm going to have him admitted' which was scary when I was throwing up all my food :/ also my dad said she asked him to find out how to get me institutionalised without my consent because she figured I was blackmailing her by not eating??? ok I didn't realise it at the time but I think this could be paranoia

Back in January when I first got home after collecting my first order of sertraline I was literally in tears as I said to my mother why can't I just be normal???? I don't want to have to take these everyday and watch my hair fall out and be up all night being sick and they didn't work for her so wtaf did she do??

'Snowy. She was what got me through my depression'

I believed everything would be okay if she was still alive but now I can see that's not true

'These could change your life' she told me

and she was right: as soon as I started taking them I was too sick and panicky to want to die anymore and then the serotonin started metabolising and I felt happiness for the first time again after months of sociopathic apathy

So we got home and I thanked my dad for letting summer come with us and he said it's the least he could do

Then my mother came home to collect her stuff and I got her to sit down and I asked her if she wanted to talk but she didn't know what to say
so I said do you want me to start?? and I told her while I may be so happy to be home and see the daughter of what beauty was made of every day, my mother is more important so I'll be sad having to leave her and the house but I'm sadder seeing my mum so sad :(( </3 I asked her how long she was planning to stay and she said it may just be a week or it may be until after my exams

so then I offered to at home for a week to look after all the animals and walk to school and back to revise and walk the summer and feed the phoeb knowing my mum should be in recovery <3 she said that would be helpful so Ive got a free house for the next few days ;););)

but today after I had my session with my clinical psychologist for eating behaviour my mum asked 'what happens if I'm still not feeling any better in a week?' and I'm sad because I really don't want to leave but my dad said he can't just live there on his own with my mum bc awk which is understandable bc they have twenty years of marriage and memories together and then my mum is just like hiya michael bi cya sign the divorce paper pls off we go

BUT my dad works during the day and my mum works all evening so surely he wouldn't mind being a friend for a few weeks because he shouldn't see her too much?? and I'm fine on my own because there's currently two hundred crickets, twelve grasshoppers a pretty dog, and ugly dog and a v spikes dragon phoeb plus lodgers and Ive had to cook all my own food for the past year of being vegan and I haven't got anywhere to be so I'll see my mum during the day when she comes to the house to walk the dogs and then I know the summer is a happy fluffy bichon and

I had my second session for my eating disorders and my psychologist is v nice and I spoke to her about my mum and family situation and fears

I just cannot move in with my dad unless he can allow summer and her ugly offspring terrier to come because michael was emotionally abusive on a consistent basis when it was just the two of us, so what's he gonna to the dogs who are even more powerless than I was?? I must protect them at all costs

I spoke to the clinical psychologist about my mum's psychosis symptoms and she said it sounds like she's in need of individual therapy so she would be happy for her to call

BUT victims of psychosis lack psychological insight meaning they won't accept help because they don't see the reality of the problem


The last time I saw my psychiatrist  he told me I had two days to decide whether I was gonna start taking Olanzapine (an anti-psychotic mood stabiliser) or Mirtazapine (another type of anti-depressant which is an sedative SNRI so it alters the dopamine and norepinephrine in addition to the serotonin but all the neurotransmitters are interconnected anyway so why mess things up?? He said I need it because it will stimulate hunger as a side effect but I told him I was NOT prepared to take another psychotropic drug just so I can suffer the side effects

But I want my mum to have an individual session with him because I really think she would benefit from mood stabilisers :/ sorry for the hypocrisy because I do loathe drug therapy every morning but my mum's behaviour has just become so unstable and unpredictable I feel fear because I can never know how she'll react, I feel remorse because I miss her old personality and I'm just so sad because I can see her psychological deterioration through her eyes and I know they're the same big brown eyes I wish I had inherited but they look so lifeless and colourless, so cold and emotionless like a broken window with nothing but a frame that remains, a frame too weak to search for the glassy fragments even though it knows they'll come back with there new sharp vertices

If life hasn't given me enough reasons to cry these past few days the psychologist today told me where depression and disordered eating differ: once you've pulled yourself out of depression, its still there but at least you can function. But when your body, like mine, has been living in starvation mode for so long, you can lose up to 25% of your brain mass

your body is breaking down

PLUS I know depression destroys the hippocampus part of your prefrontal cortex anyway so thats even more brains Ive lost

ok well who's gonna be the one to survive in a zombie apocalypse???? not u bc by brain isn't gonna keep the zombie full for more than twelve seconds ay

I also told her that with all the stuff thats going on from struggling with my own mental health (particularly OCD) to domestic strife and motherly sadness I literally don't know anything because I haven't even started revision and my first A2 exam is on the 8th June :((( she said I could take the exam next year but I said I really want to go to uni in september to set my mum free and live in bath hopefully if BSU has a space in clearing

but she told me she really doesn't think I'm gonna be well enough and my current psychological state suggests Im more likely to be living in a hospital than being at uni

My eyes watered as she said this because all I could think is that I was so excited that I might be able to go to uni with georgerai but I need at least BBC-BCC and I ordered the prospectus for Bath Spa but what if they don't have any spaces in clearing I guess that won't be too bad bc my brain is too damaged to get a C this year anyway :(

Ive spoken to the peq twice and she was so nice and really understood the struggle of the situation Id been forced into but I don't want to vex her with my problems again even though she gave some good advice because I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow who was so kind to me because it was only supposed to be a six session affair but she offered me extra when she saw resolution is still an unreachable reverie for me </3

but on the plus side I got spotify premium and I've been listening to Dangerous Woman and v relate but Im not sure if I am the dangerous woman or if Im the woman whose in danger ariana why do it to me

she's incomparable to her mother's effortless perfection but summer is the queen of fluffy white fur and I love her would recommend a summer 11/10 <3