It's the things we love most that destroy us

FAV LINE FROM MOCKINGJAY spoken by no other than donald trump or was he called president snow in the books I think I struggle to remember

For the first time in my existence I think I've accepted that this is the end
hold your breath
and count
to ten
feel the earth move
and then
feel my heart burst
agaiyyyn

For the final week of school the dress code was glamorised like a phoenix reborn amidst the fires of its own feathers and the ashes of its former incarnation

Monday
we had to dress as a friend (gender bound sadly so no social contraventions allowed) i thought if I channel the dark side of my typical attire and minimise the androgyny of my typical aesthetic I'm basically Kush??? and he pretty much thought the same bc we both have a wine coloured suit so all I had to do was swap my heels for chelsea boots and lift the veil of varnish that usually eclipses my nails

Tuesday
Thankfully one was given the chance to reverse the abhorrent masculinisation bc we had to wear a black suit and I had no black blazer but thankfully the mother has a black jacket with a surreptitious blue floral inner lining so I returned to the gothic androgyny I'm used to feeling

Wednesday aka pinq day <3!!
I don't think I will ever recover from the events of this day but Im glad it happened

you'd think this would just be a typical day for me bc pink socks plus pink shirt is pretty much a core feature of my wardrobe

fatchon

patchon for fatchons

PAT
CHAN
FUHFA
CHUNNN

lad

BUT
mother had to go out and buy me some flamingo pink nail varnish for me didn't she!!! We may have our differences when it comes to pumping me with medicinal drugs but when it comes to nail care my mum is such a babe!!!
on the walk to school I thought ok sass game time to turn it up to bitch mode ARTPOP COME @ ME
so I listened to the sassiest song ever (Donatella) followed by the drug lord song Mary Jane holland and I think listening to this ignited an inextinguishable flame of sass and pink power catalysed in English after the morrison gave us all these pencils with catapults. <3 after she left we had this brazillian cover bc the chew had to attend a funeral and idk what happened to me but the perpetuating pink + influence of artpop + drugs + winning class shakespeare fragmented me with this feeling of repressed power that needed to be released

This insatiable desire to act upon my power instincts took over and I literally just took everything I could find from my vaseline/ pens/ balls of masking tape/

here is an except of some responses

"we broke the raf!!!"
"its like he's drunk"
"miss he's usually a very good boy very quiet and well behaved"
"I think he's possessed"t

my response?
"lads you just wait for the pub crawl on friday come at me"
"I think I inhaled all the e numbers

But seriously I think I was either drunk or high because I was legit out of control I may as well have been attacking the teacher!! She was like 'sit down and calm down raf' and I was just like 'um I am sitting down???' and then she said 'I am going to have to report you and write an incident report' and I was just like 'yeah that's really gonna make a difference when I've only got two days left'

But the weird thing was anytime anyone tried to talk to me I was CONSUMED by this irrepressible laughter but this sound
it wasn't a typical doodle vocal exertion
it was this demonic innocence
a devilish

when I finally managed to regain control for a second all I could say was 'its okay miss I'm calmed I have been exorcised'

but this relapse to reality proved ephemeral as my sanity; the devil inside me had one final game to play

but if there's one thing you should take from this day, you should know
there are much worse games to play

Suzanne Collins your English essays in school mustve had your teachers in cardiac arrest every time they read the final words of your conclusions because if anyone knows how to end a book its you its been four years since I finished reading mockingjay and I wouldn't have remembered much had I not seen the film but these words will linger in my mind forever!!!

She thought depriving me of my catapult would absolve me of this tyrannous terror that had overtaken me but all it did was fuel the malice burning in my soul
The repression was destroying me until Dan the Darling passed me his catapult and I almost killed someone so the cover teacher left to seek help and the ppl told me to lock the door which I proceeded to do but then the head of DT arrived and pulled me out and I was legit in tears from laughing so much I could barely even talk to him and it was funny bc he was so angry and i didn't even care he said to me 'okay so you throw things all across the classroom and lock the teacher out of the room and you think its funny?'

all i could say is 'yes I honestly have no regrets its the most fun Ive had all year'

this only fuelled his contempt as he said 'so will it still be funny when I tell your english teacher/ head of year/ the headteacher??'

and I legit said to him 'um yeah doesn't change the fact Ive only got two days left so okay hahaha'

Right now I am just as shocked as you probably are with my audacity but no regrets
he sat me down in the DT corridor and made me contemplate what i did and returned with my bag and phone (albeit many pens missing from catapulting them but it was a worthy sacrifice) and he saw my snapchat notification from connor and began to interrogate me on it but literally this is all it was lol an innocent but funny face exchange

I tried to explain to the DT head that it was just a selfie but he wasn't having it

as my devilish impulses began to ebb away like the receding tide or jack bevan's tragic hairline
I sad wondering with remorse what I was missing out on back in class but happy because I was sure our class would not be likely to forget our penultimate lesson together

I then took an amateurish/ novice tumblr esque snap of my exiled body to prove you can take me away you can discard me like broken glass (feeling u sia) but YOu cANNot REVOKE ME OF MY SASS cuz these boots are staying and these nails won't stop growing until Ive had enough bitches
I then went to review my camera roll and saw connor had left me a cute surprise class selfie (minus me) when I'd been taken and was too out of it to pick up my phone

so there are perks to ephemeral bouts of insanity because the repercussions are ephemeral but this selfie is forever!! TY connor for snapping this memory but this is the only time I will condone an act of unsolicited non-consensuality which is not a word but bitch it should be

whatever divine form of intervention whether godly or satanic I don't quite understand your intentions but ty!!!! I won't forget what you did for me <3

Thursday
The repercussions from my previous actions came back to haunt me when I overslept through psychology and today was clatching colours and patterns day but my fashion is too on fleek to do that legit all my stuff complements each other ffs just one of the many curses that comes with homosexuality should've left the closet before I became such a fashion guru its in my blood I can't control it 

So I just painted my nails like sia's 2016 wig (but colour) and went overboard on the purple and it was so fuqing hot that day I felt like I was back in fuqing singapore but thankfully I had my trusty purple scrunchie + high pony tail to let the wind brush against my nape and whisper in my ears, brushing away the scars of satan's hooves from the previous day

After an exhausting walk to school soaked in my own perspiration the peq arrived and I wasn't prepared and I just said 'sorry I wasn't in psychology this morning um I um did not feel too good this morning' a way overused excuse that is no longer viable four months into recovery from depression and ocd/ anxiety just banking on my eating disorder exacerbating come on brain don't let me down i need pity so I can oversleep xox

but she just said to me 'its okay Im just worried because of what happened in English yesterday are you okay??? Do you want to tell me what happened?'

and all that came out was 'Im fine now its just my behaviour was a bit unacceptable sorry....'

and she was nice about it she just asked about medication and said the chew was concerned and looking for me 

Later we encountered and he was just like 'hello how are you shall we go to my office for a chat'

and he said to me this was not an interactional how are you; it was a transactional how are you bc legit concern and disbelief that it was me they were describing

He was nice about it considering i thought I was going to be in so much trouble he just needed an explanation but I didn't even understand what had happened so I just said 

'um so basically I guess my behaviour yesterday was... impulsive?? unrestrained??'

which didn't get us very far and lead to a monologue from the chew that can basically be summed up as: 'you been taking a ride with Mary Jane Holland lately rafadood because thats the only justification i can think of'

ofc different words were utilised by the chew and his unfaltering sophistication but I was probably almost as confused as him tbh so all I could say was 'I don't quite know how to respond to that'

WHICH HE BLOoDY INTERPRETED AS 'so you're not denying you may have been under the influence of illicit substances'

ffs!!!!!! 

why do I do this to myself

guys please realise I take serotonin pills to regulate my brains biochemistry there's no way mary jane's gonna come and mess it all up!!!!!

depression/ocd/anxiety is the least of my concerns rn I just need behavioural therapy for being so awk its literally unfair how awkward I am!!

but other than that I felt v liberated with my hair up in my scrunchie higher than my hopes and dreams will ever materialise and squirting the school with shaving foam was also a highlight

Friday
I didn't want this day to come but dress code was year 11 uniform so I thought phuq dis I'm listening to ARTPOP and it just didn't feel the same as it did in 2013 but GaGa's sass is untouched by time like my serotonin and mary jane yeah
English with the chew was first period and the second I walked in he cowered in fear as I sat down alluding to my potential for destruction aka catapulting lol but it was a good last lesson bc at the end he told us that there's some classes that teaching is just his job but for us he legit looked forward to our interactions over the past two years <3 so cute plus he gave us our coursework marks back and I got 76/80?????????????????? This confuses me more than whatever happened on wednesday but then chew is pretty much the best teacher and his feedback never falters he is truly a wondrous human

also ty to lliott because I used Orphan Black and Banana for my coursework investigation which I wouldn't have watched if you hadn't told me about them <3!!!

After the lesson I ran to the biblioteque (library) bc they were releasing the year books and they did not disappoint!! then charlie and I went to the concourse with Iona and signed each others' yearbooks <3 then Chaz + me followed Lauren to her English class (bc her class has english with chew after us but in mrs davies' room) and apparently chew loves bruno mars bc for about the first 20 minutes he didn't say anything he just let everyone sign each others' yearbooks while he danced to the lazy song lol

Then chaz and i left to see the carolan the best form tutor and iona wanted us to play sardines but no thanq vegan here and then I saw Sammy!! <3 and I was literally chasing him around the concourse for like fifteen minutes trying to get him to sign my yearbook but he was too popular and we had a carolan to see but then I finally got the chance to ask him if he would do me the honours of signing my yearbook and he said of course!!!! I feel like we've slipped away because we were in english and drama together for year 10 & 11 and psychology in year 12 but then he moved classes and I used to see him on the bus to school sometimes when I was reading tipping the velvet by sarah waters (its a lesbian fifty shades of grey and I would honestly recommend it to anyone even though a solid third of the book is just lesbo BDSM that book got me 58/70 in my Lit coursework  would recommend for an escapist winter read or hot summer passion you decide

Anyway sam wrote me a really cute message and we had the cutest most poignant hug and ugh its so painful when you know may be our final embrace :((

Chaz convinced me to go and buy a ticket for the bouncy castle thing after school so we went to the library and I handed the librarian the money but then I saw elly at the end of the lib calling me over <3 so I was about to run over to him but the librarian called me back to give me the ticket/ change/ nail complement and then Elly and I swapped yearbooks and of everything I wrote that day I think Elly's was the hardest because he was my first ever friend at NSB and like all summer between year 6&7 I remember thinking yay the guy who looks like josh hutcherson I hope we'll be friends!!! lmao I thought of this now why didn't i write that!! anyway elliott finished mine before Id even started his and chaz was growing impatient bc we said we'd return to chew's english class and I was getting v emotional reading what elly had written so I channeled all the tears into my pen and returned the yearbook to the elliott so chaz and I returned to the chew

I was SO happy I got to be in this photo because I've been wanting to be a part of the parallel english language class all year and they accepted me <3 after a lifetime of fearing rejection I have a snapshot to prove I was a part of this but literally tysm for letting me be in the photo everyone!!!! Sad I didn't get chew dog to sign my yearbook but Im in a photograph with him so my happiness overshadows the regret <3

TY charlie you're the best photographer ever

once our frees were over it was lunch so I went to the library in solitude but then danny lusac appeared and Ive hardly spoken to him for the past two years but he signed my yearbook and it was just like year 11 again <3 he reminded me he still has a video of me falling off my chair laughing in the library which I'd completely forgot about my haw has been an integral part of me for so long but if you knew me before it Im sorry

I went to the DT to see the carolan and the head of dept saw me and immediately began to walk the opposite direction lol me making people hate me when I'll never see them again since day one
But thankfully she was there and her hairs are red again after a brief stint of blonde the red looks good on her because she has green eyes and I feel like darker hair goes best with green/ blue eyes bc it illuminates but one digresses she came out and we sat on the stools in the DT department and I asked her if she would sign my yearbook and she said ofc </3 I told her of my sadness of leaving and desire to be back in year 9/11 (or as donald trump would say 7/11 bc convenience stores and genocide/ terrorist attacks are apparently interchangeable to some) and it was good to hear her comforting scouse voice for the final time </3 I'm sad we didn't hug and I didn't get a picture or even tell her she was the best form tutor I ever had BUT this is why I blog to preserve the memory

I fear so much that if I do not write about it
it will fade from existence

If I have no proof
did it even happen

doodle getting deep woah
emotional nights call for meta philosophical thoughts

Then I went to form and I was praying Andrea would appear because I'd be crying on my deathbed if I left without a message in my yearbook from her
But she arrived and I ran straight to her table and said Andrea please sign my yearbook!! and she'd given it to lambley but I grabbed hold of it and then maisie asked me to sign hers so I did Andrea's first but by the time I'd finished maisie's andrea had gone and i was still using andrea's pen so I asked maisie to return it to her and I just hope you got it

Then on the way to psych I crossed paths with Kush and we were just like '!!!!!' woah close one we almost left without signing each other's yearbooks!! So we had one period of psychology before the bouncy castle things and the peq spent like the whole lesson  signing the yearbooks  whilst the psych lads were v loud and then we took a class photo and idk who took it bc I still haven't seen it </3

Then I waited outside Mr Grisley's room for lauren to finish sociology and everyone collected their hoodies nice one when the deadline for paying them was like the week my depression peaked nice one there but I was happy bc charlie took the qtest photo of andrea and me and she told me my message made her v happy and it was so cute bc we found out we were each others' hair goals!!

SO HAPPY I GOT A SNAPSHOT W/ YOU ANDREA :-) <333
TY CHARLIE!!!!!!

then we went outside onto the field and Jed asked me if he could sign my yearbook <3 I felt v honoured bc I wanted to ask him during frees but I didn't get a chance and he wrote me the kindest message in what I can only describe as the prettiest handwriting Ive ever seen and I asked if I could write in his but his yearbook was inside so I didn't get a chance </3 but here is what I would have written:

Jed!! <3!!
You're like my oldest friend I can't believe Ive known you for like 10 years of my life and Im so glad we got to be in English together these past two years <3 Like we did Alice in Wonderland in year 6 and year 11 <3
I love how when we were 8 we both had long hair that made us gender ambiguous to strangers but i bet you never would have believed ten years later my hair would reach my waist and your jawline would be stronger than
you're one of the most beautiful people I know and your hair is every shade of blonde, caramel and magic and you have such a good personality Im always so happy whenever I see you
I still feel v v happy when i think about like the most stressful moment of my life when we were just about to enter the exam hall for our AS lit exam and you told me my hair looked beautiful today and for a second everything felt okay <3
ily Jed
Love Raf x x x <3

I did start to get v sad so I thought I would stay in the concourse for a few final minutes before I walked home

Danny boi was there and I asked him for a snapchat and we had a v cute goodbye hug bc we hugged and released and then we were both just like "awh danny/raf Im gonna miss you </3" so we hugged again and dan said we better keep in touch which was so nice because we've hardly seen each other in sixth form but on our final day it was like we just picked up where we left off in year 11 chemistry when I used to get sent out for singing Taylor Swift when Mr |Hiams was ethically excluding the minority figures in the class :[
By 5pm I let go of my seven year bond Id formed with the beauty of the concourse atrium and signed out for the final time

I could have listened to the Sia or Artpop considering this was my last legit walk home but I had not the strength for my power had been drained from maintaining a mantle of repression
a restraint of pewter
of my tearless eyes

The word pewter always makes me laugh bc in DT in year 11 the teacher was like 'raf describe two physical properties of pewter' and my response was 'long and cold' you had to be there sorry not the best anecdote of this blog sorry

I was home by 5:30 which gave me two hours to nap before the pub crawl but I was just too sad to sleep :(( so I crawled into bed in hope that my mattress would sap me of my morose cognition and saturate me with my powers which Im pretty sure I used all up on wednesday but by 7:30 when the mother returned I just wanted to sink into soft squinchy foam of my bed and asphyxiate as the sponge solidified me in an eternal cocoon
The mother asked if I wanted a ride to the first pub but I told her I wanted to be my own tonight but mother convinced me Id feel better once I'd got ready and she was right and my power had replenished <3

The crawl began at 8:30 at the crown and cushion but I didn't get there until 9:15 bc wanted to be sure there'd be all the people there so I could hide if scared but anxiety strikes again and I texted georgerai 'Im here but Im too scared to enter' but then he said he was at the second pub across the road so I walked down and then suddenly a spindrift of blonde appeared running down the street and then she turned around and faced me and said 'Is that who I think it is?? RAFFF!' and I was like 'ChARLoTTE!!!' and we hugged and then amber appeared and we hugged also and then charlotte asked if I knew where the georgerai was and I told her he was at the Pickering Phipps?? so we crossed the road and just before we entered i saw Elly <3 <3 <3 and we hugged and entered but then I saw Jack!!!so I stopped to hug him because I hadn't seen him in so long and then I went to the tables and saw Andrea/ Iona/ Emma and sat on a Table with Holly Charlie and Georgerai and took selfies with Amber and I wasn't quite aware of the repercussions of pre-drinking when people were already drunk and it wasn't even dark yet :{}

Then Jack popped by our table and I immediately stood up in a futile attempt to converge with his height and I asked him omg have you grown again???? and he said he was 6 ft 4 now and I'm still raving 5 ft 4 bitch (ok at least when Im wearing my boots Im taller than both my parents so I consider myself genetically superior considering the circumstances jk)

Then Jack left and Elliott climbed over the table and sat next to me on my right and he asked for selfies which I owe everything to him bc we literally took the cutest pictures <3<3<3

I learnt to associate selfies with anxiety because its not so fun when all your friends are like models and you're uglier than donald trump's combover and idk if Im seeing things but LOOK I HAVE CHEEKBONES LEGIT I know its probably just the light but this is pretty much the only time I've felt beautiful and I owe it to you Elly :3 

The next place we went to I think was called the old house and we needed ID so georgerai the infantile 17 and 360 day old god had to wait to utilise someone else's to deceive the bouncers :(( but it  was probs one of my fav in terms of ambience bc I walked in and saw Jed and he was like 'Raf you made it out!!' and I was v happy to see him I was confident enough to dive straight in for the hug :}  ((but he did have one arm out so I figured it wasn't unsolicited)) but this pub was really nice inside bc it was dark and ominous like my tenebrous spirit but the bar was just a rectangle so you could just stroll around the square <3 also me and Andrea became interchangeable to iona bc of the darkness and the fact that whatever hairs are made of, mine and andreas, its the same stuff 

(except her spiral pattern is better)

Then elliott came over to me and charlie and offered me a sip of his drink; thinking it was coke I pressed my mouth around the straw and let the fluid TAINT MY BLOOD AND CORRUPT MY SOUL as I realised this impure liquid was bludgeoned with the depravity of intoxicating spirits and I couldn't cope with the contrition as I realised I had consumed the decadent chemical of debauchery  and prayed that charlie would forgive me for my transitory affair with alcoholism

The subsequent pubs and clubs began to intersperse like an inextricable cluster of unconditioned curls  

why u ask???? perhaps because my mind IS NOW SPENDing THE REST OF ITS EXISTENCE FIGHTING AGAINST THE INHERENT MALICE FUELLING MY BLOOD AND POWERING MY BRAIN

president snow was right because my brain cannot live without my blood even though that's what destroyed it that night

snow strikes again with his blood stained roses and my chemically impure cellular structure

One cannot verify the accuracy of the sequence now but we deffo went to a v smokey club but the strobe lights were too trippy (thanks autism all I ask is that you give me one night of peace) so after snapping some selfies on the dance floor chaz and I went and perched by the window and alternated between catching the glimpse of the streetlights and finding each others dark eyes amidst the masquerade of the suffusing smoke, the flickering strobe lights and the foreboding darkness

But then Jack appeared with his eyes of incandescent blue blinding me from across the pub so I shifted closer to the window so he could sit beside me on the pew seat thing <3

I confessed my fear to charlie that I felt drunk after consuming elliott's dark and deceptious fluid of tenebrosity but chaz assured me he felt the same and it was likely just the unfamiliar vibes of the environment 

ALSO CHARLIE WHERE DID YOU GET THAT JUMPER I LOVE IT v enigmatic and trigonometric

Then there was a v stressful bar that was like the old house but smaller and thus more squinchy but it was worth the suffocation when elly crawled onto the table and raved so unapologetically 

Its weird bc a few months ago I dreamed he was v drunk and did the exact same thing hahaha (minus the squinchy)

Then we went to the jekyll and hyde pub and apparently madame roberts was in it but I missed her!! Its funny bc I remember in year 10 ((when me and charlie used to dream about her all the time)) chaz was talking about jekyll and hyde the musical (an obsession which TOOK OVER MY LIFE) I hope I blogged about it but I don't think I blogged for a year or two following the slaughter of my snow queen :(( anyway I remember chaz talking to rickman in french in year 10 about Jekyll and Hyde (the musical we were in) and Madame Robertos overheard and whipped out her guitar and sang a tragic canton of the time she was in the Kekyl; and Gyde pub playing darts but she wasn't actually in the pub she was teaching a lesson and she wasn't actually playing darts she was throwing her flip flops at lee wilde :/ 

how did I just thinq of that 

THEN as we were walking the streets we saw Kevin Luu serving at the chip shop 

BUT THEN WE SAW THE MORRISSON!!! She was holding hands with the spencer and I was so excited to see the morrison bc she's literally the loveliest kindest teacher and she has this v strong scottish accent and when combined with her medium-soft voice her words are like poetry

move your body

I am hot for you in every way

can't you see 

YO|UR |B|ODYS POETRY

SPEAK TO ME 

WONT YOU LET ME BE YOUR RHyTHm TONIGHT

MOVE YAE BODI

MUV YAE BODI

|I WANT TO BE IMMUNE TO THE MUSIC

LET ME BE YOUR RHYTHM TONIGHT MOVE YE BODY 

probably not the most appropriate song to fall into when Im writing about my english teacher :/ but its probably the most powerful and uplifting song on This is Acting bc sia literally sounds like Shakira!!!! plus the first lyric is 'poetry' so the second I heard the first word of the song it pretty much became my fav on the album

Sadly she didn't look at me despite my waving but the spencer did and she said to me 'mr christophe is in there!!!!!' (referencing the restaurant)

and it made me v v angry as I pretended to get excited/ surprised as I said to her "NO WAY OH MY GOD" faking a smile like I did when I was depressed and perpetuated my physical and emotional fatigue by flashing my teeth to conceal my inner tears 

read that again before moving on 

'inner tears'

did you read that as 'tears' as in the salty-sweet aqueous secretions that fall from your eyes in response to an extreme emotion

or did you read that as 'tears' as in when you shred a sheet like i used to break the surface flesh on my arms

I think whichever interpretation you read upon the re-read says something about you

I don't even go on tumblr I just literally am tumblr 

(in poodle form) 

So we retraced our steps a few meters back to the restaurant we saw the morrison enter and there we saw literally THE ENTIRE ENGLisH DEPT!!!!<3 except ellis and the top hmm my lit teachers were the only ones absent coincidence ??? collusion ?? mutiny ?? I guess we'll never know

I saw the christope look at me like 'I wish I had destroyed that kids life more than I did but there really wasn't much more evil I could have done to him I just hope he is suffering as much as I did when he got a D in GCSE English language on my first year back at the school'

But then the mutherbucker gestured to our group to wait and the egan came out and hugged charlie twice and they rekindled like lost lovers before she went back in

AND THEN THE BROWBING APPEARED <3<3<3

AND SHE CAME STRAIGHT TO ME WITH HER ARMS OUT AND WE HAD THE CUTEST HUG EVER

and she asked me how I was and I told her I miss her and then she hugged charlie and georgerai and georgerai told her how sick everyone did on their coursework (bc chew is the best) 

It made me so happy that she hugged me first though <3 it was like the feeling when we met Miranda and she told me she loved me and I didn't even say it first <3<3<3 it was such a cold night and the wind was colder than mr christophes pewter plated heart but after our encounter I felt a fuzzy warmth within me <3

After she went back inside we just stood there and smiled with excitement and I waved at miss dyke and miss morrison and I think they were smiling at me/ us and between them I could just see the chew who looked like he was in shock like if you have him he was like doing the face where he goes '.....!!!!! okkkayyyyyyyyy..........,,.,,,,:o' if you've ever had the chew you'll know what I mean but it was such an unexpected joy seeing morrison/ dyke/ chew all sitting next to each other looking at us thorough the glass probably wondering how drunk we all were compared to them 

Wait I think it was after this we went to the Jekyll and Hyde pub idk

I saw elliott sitting at a table and he gestured me to come over and hug him for the third time </3 also i found there is a positive correlation between length of hug and blood alcohol level lol bc we had a v cute long hug even though I was standing up and he was on the chair <3 but he managed to stumble up to go to the snooker tables so I sat down next to charlie and opposite jack at a table

Then this girl pulled up a stool between us and was getting v emotional over my killer kitty claws

and charlie confirmed that they were my real nails yeah bitch this doodle grows his own keratin who cares my body is in starvation mode hmmm maybe everything I eat is just going straight to my nails lol

I briefly lost the chaz and georgerai in a v squinchy dance floor because I literally couldn't breathe so I went to the toilet and this pretty blonde haired guy started trying to seduce me but then my old history teacher came in!!!!!! funny story he was on TV with his wifes who is my mathematical teachers's daughter and when queuing up at break chaz said to me 'I think Mr Marshall (who has a shaved head) wold look better with shorter hairs'

me: '.... but his hairs are already like minus one cm ????'

chaz: 'no MRS marshall!!! Its not possible for mr marshall's hairs to be any shorter'

hope you found this transcript as funny as I did 

Still struggling to breathe I took a stroll outside and everyone wanted to hug me!!! and Effie hugged me and told me I should have won best hairs and she voted for me bc they're sick and its so unfair the kennedog took the category out of the yearbook :[

but when I returned inside everyone was gone but I found charlotte and she asked if I knew where georgerai was and I said no I was looking for him </3 but I think we found him in another pub I can't remember sorry

Later chaz and I went to this really cool nightclub called Bar SO but everyone was being sick outside it and also I was worried for elly bc he was on the floor by the streetlight further down the road and I wanted to go and see if he was okay but hannah told me he was fine so I showed my ID to the bouncers and he let me in but I felt bad for elly so I left to check on him but by the time I got out he'd gone

and I never did see him again </3

until saturday when he sent me a chapsnat so its okay :-)

but anyway Bar SO was very funky it was the pub equivalent of startrek room in school v cosmopolitan v contemporary

but we didn't stay long and me, emma, iona, andrea, charlie, georgerai, joel, jack and maisie walked through abington street and entered the lloyds no 1 bar which was prob my fav place of the whole night!!! We went upstairs and the view was v pretty and the music was on point!!! They played cheap thrills and everyone was singing and I was happy people knew the lyrics and Jack said to me 'you like sia don't you??' and I was even happier he still remembered our conversations from psychology last year and I just said 'YES SIA IS MY QUEEN <3' I think I did a heart also <3 

Then I saw the BB and the peq!! and then they were playing desire by years and years which is such a tune I had to step onto the dance area and everyone was speaking to the peq and then she saw me and we waved but then I got too squinchied by the ppl bc I don't know how to do the dancing so I slipped down and reunited with andrea and people and I think we hugged so I was happy <3

we left at like midnight and waited outside the guildhall and said farewell to charlie and georgerai </3

I was literally hYPING bc next stop was NBs which Id heard so much about but turns out its just a really gross overrated club but there are nice fishtanks and many fish very cute very calming <3

Andrea and I waited for Laura/ Dan, Jack/ Maisie basically all the couples so we were the only single ppl left :)):):):) but we spoke of how she was balling the dollar bills at morrisons but not miss morrison and then Eloise and Lydia caught up with us and they were like 'RAF YOU MADE IT' (so many people said that to me that night pretty sure i heard it about five times and Im still unsure of the connotations)) and lydia was disappointed I had taken my hair down bc I tied the top up in my pink scrunchie partly for the fashion also to disguise my thinning parting/ balding patches and Im gonna start wearing my scrunchie more bc andrea said she wishes I would BUT sometimes I need to release the strands and free the curls of the oppression

Turns out NBs is literally gross I saw peq and BB walk in and they were just like 'nope' plus poor music, the floor is super sticky and feminine boys get sexually harassed in the toilets by creepy old guys :/

Me, Jack, Andrea and Maisie roamed around for a while but by 1:45 am I couldn't find them and I was SO bored (people told me it wasn't worth being there unless your blood is literally alcohol)

So after walking in circles for about an hour I finally remembered I wasn't entrapped in this place??? I could literally just walk out???

Thus, I did what I should have done a long time ago and left that forsaken aquarium for predators and it was liberating taking control to end the night

As I stepped out onto bridge street the peq walked by and waved which I reciprocated and I said bye miss!!! and then Dan O sully was there and he seemed proud of me for making it out & getting this far and not dying of boredom and he was SO nice though he walked me to the taxi and told the driver to make sure I got home safe </3 drunk people are actually so cute all they want to do is blossom with affection and drown you in hugs 

I got home at 2am and was so thirsty I drank so many waters after summer gave me three licks and made the yawning excited noises 

Ive spent probably about four hours on this blog but its worth it bc friday was legit one of the most exciting nights of my life!! 

Ive accepted that I will always be enslaved by my mental health disorders but I honestly think Ive become a more confident person after this experience bc while my personality and anxiety disorders will always constrain me I feel like that night I learnt that while I will forever be vexed by this chain of oppression, friday taught me that I can hack away at that metal and if I work hard enough maybe some day it'll be as long and cold as pewter

I know it will never be pewter, but I will allow my mind to frame me for the sins I did not covet 

thank you everyone who was a part of this day I thought it would be the most depressing day of my life but turns out it was pretty pivotal

now I gotta convince my mother to let me out again on wednesday for georgerai's birthday but my first exam is on friday so :/:/:/ help

People were trying to make me drink all night but I didn't and I have no regrets because I remember everything

The things we do for the readers we love

The choices we make to destroy the wtf I can't find my dragon PHOEBE WHERE ARE YOU

ALSO I GOT 21 LIKES ON THIS INSTAGRAM ALL FROM REAL PEOPLE I FEEL SO POWERFUL NOW EVERYONE KNOWS IF YOU CROSS ME
I WILL CUT YOU WITH MY NEON FLAMINGO TALONS

7000 words this has got to be the longest blog ever