Black almond

GUESS WHO'S HOME GUYS THATS RIGHT THE DOODLE HAS RETURNED and I'm back in my old room and the first thing I did was press my forehead against the glass of the bay windows (see blog when I left for the final time and notice the framing) and shed a tear watching it parallel with the rain losing the race but all I could think was I feel safe for the first time in a year. It's so good because things are different now as I said I knew if I ever returned Id be a different rafadoodlie but boy I had no idea that I'd be leaving him behind forever the second I walked out that door

Its great becuase the house is so quiet even though there's five lodgers (totalling) seven people plus two dogs and a dragon and I'm so happy seeing Christine and the dogs everyday :)):) I moved back last sunday and I saw christine in the kitchen and I just said CHRISTINE!!! and we hugged and I asked her how she'd been; its always a risky move pulling the how've you been because you know so much will have passed between you both but you gotta overlook the pain and illuminate like the incandescent rekindling of souls in the darkness. But yeah she said she's been okay but I knew she was thinking of her pug and as much as she's happy to see our dogs again her pug was called chester and so is our ugly dog and she said it makes her jump hearing his name being called :(( and i wanted to say to her I FEEL U it took me like forever just to be able to look summer in the eyes again after her mother died but all I was doing was perpetuating the grief and repressing my emotions and now summer's six and that's half her life gone and I wasted all these years in fear but by embracing the memory, you become empowered with the immunity and conversion of loss to love but all I could say was 'aw I understand Im sorry' :(( but I asked her if she's a fan of bearded dragons bc I got one so I showed her to my room and asked her if she'd like to hold him and she said yes so she did and I told her about the joys of reptiles but the sadness of losing all the beautiful grasshoppers (I'm not even joking they're actually so adorable I do feel remorseful every time I feed phoebe but this is the burden of conscience why me lord when I love reptiles so much why) and it was so nice being reunited and I think phoeb was a bit stressed from the move so I gave him a bath but he didnt like it and the next day I bought him some decor for his vivarium including a gary (spongebob's snail) but you know the eye stalks?? he mustve thought it was an insect bc he kept trying to eat it the qt haha so I had to remove poor gary lest he become monocular :( also he always tries to eat my finger when Im wearing black nail varnish lol and he still doesnt understand that plastic may be transparent but you cannot eat the grasshoppers by pressing your tongue on the side of the plastic box silly dragon

Once we'd settled in I kissed summer for the first time since her mother died and I said to my mother 'oh moth what did we do to deserve dogs'
mother: 'well we bought them'
me: 'well to be fair we only actually bought one... oh my god all the dogs we have today - they're because of her how did I never realise this?'
mother: 'I guess you never thought about it until now but there's a little bit of her inside them all'

she then began to cry and I wanted to but I was too drained from this realisaiton and I said to the mother 'sorry for making you cry'
and she said 'its okay, you must never stop this from talking about her'
me: 'because we're the only to people in the world who know it'

and then I went and transcribed this conversation bc I secretly just want to torture myself for material to go in my book

ALSO I've been seeing a v v v nice councellor and she's so good!! I'm pretty sure after speaking to her I discovered the root cause of my psychopathology after just three 45 minute sessions with her :-) but sad bc only three left and then we're done :((

There's not a day that passes whereupon I do not yearn for my snow queen in some way or another, but I just had this uncontrollable urge to write a poem about what its like to lose your true love

To watch your one true love decay over three days:
devolve from the epitome of beauty, the quintessence of divinity
to a shadow of your rein
the death of your strain
I felt her once radiant softness solidify into a glacial zephyr
the fluid malleability

the soulless fragility
as I heard your heart of gold
cinder, stone cold
the viscosity of your scent
severed in a spell of cruel relent
as I told myslef
the evanescence
of dying
can be revoked by the long awaited realease
of the crimson desire trapped in my veins
so keep trying
because I will release you
my symbiotic - amorous desire

hello Iona or Andrea if you're reading this in order to read this I had to press a publish button on the blog site so if you're looking for some versatile wider reading I know its not good but it covers both true love and lost love and pretty sure u can use bc technically its a published contemporary poem?? you could even say its intertextuality in the blog snowprintsiinthesand ayyyyyyyy also please give Jed the new blog url ty xox

I witnessed the death of beauty in its purest over what may have been three days but felt like three lifetimes. I saw flies feasting on the two most perfects eyes of black almond. I smelt her salty femininity dissolve into the
I felt her pink skin fall grey at my touch and her soft white fur ashen at the dryness of my tearless fingertips

and at first? I cried because I thought to myself, when she wakes up, she'll be sad because you know nap breath?? well imagine what death breath must be like lol.

As I watched the downfall of beauty I felt myself turn to psychotic fantasies as I envisioned her pending awakening

I could feel my heart tendons snapping like a band IS THIS WHAT SIA WAS TALKING ABOUT OH MY GOD I'm like a rubber band,  until you pull too hard
yeah I may snap but I move fast

YOu wonT SEe mE fAAlll apARtttt
caAuse I've got an eLAYSTIC HURRRRT

Wanted to fight this war without weapons

you did not break me
I'm stilll fightin gfor pieeece

I think i've finally discovered why this is my favourite song in the world: becuase it encompassess every aspect of pain Ive ever felt - from fearing the blade might be too sharp but going along anyway and googling how to now when blood loss is too much and with each pull I weaken and eventually I snap and its such a relief but then I realise what I've lost

red blood cells replenish eventually but what I've gone through, you cannot regenerate

I may not have seen her die, but I stood there doing nothing as she fell deeper into the circles of the afterlife

but that was nothing compared to depression.

At least I could cry; at least I could fantasise about avenging her and seeking her killer and sewing his eyelids together so he knows what its like to destroy yourself

But when you have depression, it starts off like this: :(:(:(:(:(:(((((((((((((( with so many chins until youre hippocampus physically shrinks and  you lose your ability to feel emotions. When Snowsephine died, I sliced my wrists, maybe for attention, maybe to forget momentarily and give me something slightly more bearable to cry over.
But the reason I cut myself all christmas, is because I was so desparate to feel something. Anything. And psychical pain was the closest thing I could get to emotion, and it was my only source of gratification. Thus began my masochistic addiction to pain.

I told my counsellor about the snowsephine for the first time on thursday during my third session with her and I could see she almost cried and she said to me 'oh my gosh that must have been so traumatic' and I could feel the emotions she felt and I could see the empathy in her eyes
But also when discussing michael I didn't even have to say much and she said to me 'it sounds like he psychologically abused you'

I had to pause for a moment, before saying 'I think you're right. After manipulating me for so long I thought it was just me being hyper-sensitive, but now I realise his actions exacerbated my obsessions distorting my perceptions which made me depressed as I began to believe him'

But yeah I was tentative about blaming him directly for my neurosis, but she said I can because he made me live in a state of hypervigilance and I thought that was just what life was like until i discovered SSRIs

I think what happened was I had this capacity for so many feelings but then over a prolonged period of time I was emotionally abused on a continuous basis, so my brain though fuck this shit we're shutting down for the night but tbh as a defence mechanism it worked well at the time bcuase I remember one night around christmas it was just me and michael and he said to me 'so I want university to work for you but lets be real youre really not suited for it youre gonna hate it and everyone will hate you - I mean if you can't even hack it living here, how are you gonna manage at university? And by moving back to your old house, you're bringing your mum down. You'll be 30 and keeping your mum there and is that fair on her? Is that fair on you? Its regressive; you need to let her move on with her new life with me so she can let go, and unfortunately I can't live at the house because it would just destroy me mentally'

And by this stage of my depression I couldnt feel the pain/ fear/ horror/ injustice, the only way this affected me was my subconscious stored this monologue into my long term memory as a fact, reinforcing my depressive and obsessive beliefs that I'm literally just a waste of space so I need to keep slicing my wrists until there's no where left to slice

So yeah um my depression derives from me being perceptually perpetually distorted by my mother's psychologically abusive partner.

My only problem is that although I've told my mother how much I feared him every day over those eight months I was trapped with him, she has no idea.

She said she understands that its because of his "approach", something that he cannot change. But she assumes its inadvertent when only I know he wanted to destroy me.

He's a psychopath. But she can never find out. And I'm the only one who sees through the opacity of his malicious masquerade. My mother has suffered depression all her life, since she was fifteen and I wonder if she's displacing her unresolved neurotic disorders by maintaining a destructive relationship?? or she's just banking on the fact that he's like 95 and has diabetes so hopefully not long till we lose the jerk and inherit the perks??

Vexed by a veil of transparency, this is a burden I must carry with me forever.
A combination of traumatic childhood, psychological abuse and hyper-awareness - my outlook is not so great

pretty sure I could sue him for all he's worth but I have an appointment with the eating disorders clinic on tuesday and my psychiatrist knows I want to let my brain learn to regulate its neurotransmitters by itself someday so he said once my exams are over we can start tapering off and reducing the dose so hopefully I will be able to live without chemotherapy (drug treatment) some day. BUT anti depressants have high relapse rates and peak withdrawl symptoms once you quit plus Im scared of desensitisation and I was thinking of talking to my psychology teacher about it bc she did say to me her door is always open and she is literally so nice but idk how to say 'hello Im taking an SSRI but I fear desensitisation also I fear I may not be able to live without it but also you said SSRIs only suppress the symptoms; they dont treat the root cause and Ive figured the root cause (long term psychological abuse plus childhood trauma in case ur wondering) but the damage has been done and my psychiatrist did say we can start coming off the drugs after exams but I may need them forever who knows can u help/ advise sorry for the monologue' :/:/ help pls guys x

Before I go shoutout to charlie hope u had a gr9 bday bc u deserve more than gr8 and also georgerai your bleached fringe has inspired me I think once exams are over if I still have my hairs Im gonna dye the ends purple or teal

Quote of the blog: what do you see in those yellow eyes? as I'm falling to pieces
- the electronic song 'She Wolf' by the Sia Queen <3 perhaps one day she will realise on her own but my one fear is that it's already too late

also here's ugly dog I dont think you guys have ever seen him but here he is how the summer with all her beauty made something so grotesque I will never know but he does have very

nice hairs :3