Glacial humidity

Monday: I took the bus home from school to my dads for the first time and I was so nervous I was just stumbled in without falling over somehow and begged the man 'can I go to Duston please' and the benevolent driver informed me it would be £1.70 and as if being chased by a volcanic eruption of molten flames I grabbed basically all the coins in my pocket and threw it through the glass totally unaware of the superfluous nature of this over paying and he was just like ???? but he made a light hearted joke and so it was okay but then the fear flared like the initial burst of flame at the tip of a match and I felt stuck amidst the friction between the tip of the match being dragged eternally along the course edge of the box and the falling to the pool of petrol at my ankles praying the humidity from the year 8s will extinguish the flame before it reaches the ground but thankfully I saw a space free in the far left corner but I failed to feel the power of the back seat when the year 10s came and exchanged the most digutsing porns and subsequently videoed me for their group chat :/:/:/  but following their departure the qt year 8s came and I was lifted from the shakespearean world of Twelfth Night as I felt a spiral straightening and relapsing back to its loose coil formation as I looked to my side to see a year eight completely captivated by my down pouring clouds of tenebrosity, pulling a segment of my hair between his index finger and thumb as he saw his friends watching this strange exchange he snapped back to reality and let go and said to his friends 'sorry he has nice hair'. My trepidation almost completely dissipated; I felt as happy as a match transferring its flame to a scented candle as the aroma perpetually pervades even though the match has been used it doesn't feel abused because this the match may be discarded but its life is perpetual as it burns with the wick and is inhaled with the vanilla air. Also on Saturday at the university of kent open day this lady saw me and was like 'wowwwwwww you have the best hair I've ever seen' and Im still laughing in disbelief and flattery bc hair complements are the one thing that saturates my dopamine receptors bc Ive lived all my life with people treating me like I'm condemning them to eternal damnation with this transgressive sin I always assume people are judging me for it but why??? gender non-conformity???? idk bc Im not sure I believe in deviation when I don't actually believe in gender but still there is this inherently subconscious prejudice but idc because my hair is the darkest of veils that will protect me, paradoxically, like how a baby koala must be poisoned by its mothers to reap the nourishment of its venomous food and anyway I was struck with elation and belief this time I just had to trace the lock in which his fingers had touched but not tainted to corroborate the reality and as I pulled through the lengths, elasticising the potential for elongation of this cluster I could see the desire sparkling in his eyes; the second my fingers slid off the ends he grabbed a cluster of segments as he pulled at it once again he asked how long it took me to grow it and I said 'three years' and he was just like 'f uc k m e' and its weird to think my hair is usually untouched by anyone but me but now another hand has lain upon the strands and its a strange thought but equally enigmatic.

These year 8s were so much less grotesque than the porn-obsessed exploitative year 10s they had displaced and it saddened me to realise that those they replaced could some day be them: in two years, or perhaps now. For there is such a fine line between the youthful innocence of year 8 and the lustful depravity of year 10, the two are so almost interchangeable.

But they were scary because they had a roll of masking tape which they rolled into a ball of sticky malicious power and he got some entwined around his hand which he held to me and in a fearful moment of tentative uncertainty I pressed my finger to it to confirm it was the sticky side out like how I feel compelled to press my soul into the snow not just to thaw it a little but also allow confirmation that its really it

and he pulled away saying 'I thought you were gonna help me' and as he slid it off himself I felt so remorseful: that could have been me (ok this is getting convoluted moving on now)))

after this he kept threatening to throw it at me but he wouldn't; he just loved the sadistic power of seeing me cower like a I flinched with fear: a fright ephemeral but undying like the burning of my heart even once the acidity of my tears has filtrated to the ventricles of my soul and it continues to burn even once the ashes have fragmented into dust and evaporated despite having no where to go as my soul is awakened and it condenses dragging me back down


Tuesday: I had my first lesson with the new driving instructor and he was so nice!!! My last guy was so bad he was always on the phone when he was supposed to be teaching me so I had no idea what I was doing and then he'd be like 'what the bloody **** are you phuqing doqing' WHILST ON THE PHONE TO SOMEONE ELSE but my new guy is so nice he told me I was pretty peak but that didnt make me feel bad at all because it was light hearted and I know Im awful like you know how Im too tentative to reply to someone, lest they were not speaking to me even if I am the only person within a 20 mile radius I will still be too fearful to say anything?? Well its like that with driving I'm just so so scared I go completely blank and I have no idea what to do even when he's clearly giving me unequivocal instructions for example he was like 'turn left' so I turned right :):):) on a one way road :):) :) and I always feel peak for the other cars and I don't realise they're gonna stop for me so I always feel the adrenaline of near death so I really don't think driving is for me but ay lmao he says it will take me more than 40 hours to learn and Im gonna stop by april bc exams so not gonna pass before uni and Im unsure weather to do it and also its £39 per lesson!!!!! and I just feel like Im wasting my parents money but my dad says I should do it now bc won't be able to afford it but I feel like its futile bc Im so peak and cannot justify my fear to him.

Also we have a new lodger called Penny and she's so nice I really like her sadly she is burdened with wavy hair like me so I leant her my straighteners and she's about 24 and to kill a mockingbird is her favourite book and she's from Luxembourg so is fluent in FRENCH AND GERMAN but her dad is from toronto so she has a kind of pseudo canadian-esque accent and she's only like 5ft tall but its weird bc she wears my mums clothes???? and my mums always taking her like everywhere all the time??? She even has dinner with us I think we may have adopted her lol my mum and michael never tell me anything lol when she moved in I was hella scared bc she just walked in and started making tea and thought ok this is either one smooth burglar or they'd probably just go on holiday tomorrow and Id probably get a text from her when she comes back to pick me up from the asylum after having a breakdown thinking he was abducted

My new form tutor today he was targeting individuals in form trying to coerce us into helping out at the open evening and he was like 'Raf you gonna do it'

and I was just like

'.................
I um I I I um I -- I - I sorry I just can't'

'why not? DON'T SAY YOU'LL BE TOO BUSY WASHING YOUR HAIR'

'hahahaha no sorry I just don't think Id be a very good representation of the school'

then there were multiple "awh's"???? The derivations of whoms I will knever nows (whys the plurals justs tenet sting which words can be pluralised and I have now discovered to pluralise is a verb this is good'

but seriously ppl your pity was unsolicited this deprecation is just my realist perception of myself

He tried to refute this by proclaiming id be perfect alas two years ago in year 11 when I hadn't washed my hair for two months when I did it I realised I had not the power to control a group of people seriously no one listens to me they just look over me like Im not there and then I have to move on with whoever remains until my group is repeatedly fragmented to the extent that by the end of the night I have about two families left after starting off with about 30 people but alas is the norms of insignificance.

and then someone has the audacity to try and copy my excuse????

Wednesday: Mrs Top was handing out our essays and I was getting scared bc I was the last one to get it but she called me to her and leaned in and said 'highest mark in the class well done' and I got a C and this was the first A2 lit essay Id done so I was so happy!!! (but then I got a C in the AS exam after doing 9 months of essays :/) and then I accidentally kicked the chair half way across the class as I retuned to my seat but she saved me from embarrassment with some funny remark haha she is just too kind and then she spent the rest of the lesson basically telling the rest of the class what I did in my essay haha

Then I went to my coursework teacher to change my coursework question so now Im gonna be exploring the corruptive nature of desire which I should be able to relate to because remember back before I succumbed to the horrors of (htc) desire when I also had some innocent??? well thats was ephemeral and desire was the catalyst for murdering whatever remained just think how innocent you would be still, how the purity you would feel had you not been depraved by desire.

ALSO she told us she has a room in her house with more books in than the school library that's right people she has a LIBRARY IN HER HOUSE and oh my god this lady is goals also she called me 'lovely' the other week so she's basically my new idol.

after an evening of a soporific dosage of peanut butter and almonds which must've hit me pretty hard bc I woke up with a mouth full of almonds lol fell asleep mid-chewing and awoke when my mother returned in the evening and came up to my room and I was next wavved from this nap-induced disorientation and my mother said to me with a drained sense of solemnness 'sit up I need to tell you something'

After reluctantly complying, this is what she had to say:

'Chester passed away today'

At first I thought she meant our dog but then I realised she meant Christine's and I was so depressed ffs he was the nicest cuddliest pug and he was so huge and had the cutest rolls and his fur always smelled like incense and fresh lavenders

I was so annoyed bc we should have been there for Christine but no my mum thought it would be a great idea to leave :))) nice one :)))) I didn't speak to my mother until I left for my dads later that evening and I felt bad but I told my mother to let me know if she heard from christine and she was like 'oh I just spoke to her she took him to the vets at 3pm today and she's staying with her brother now' and I asked if we could see her when she returns and she said yes but started crying and I didn't want to leave my mother crying and I said 'no I'll stay pls if you want' and she said 'no your dad is waiting' so the last time I saw my mum I just left her standing in this threshold of tears Im literally so peak :(((

Yet the remorse is yet to leave me because today there was a small slug in the kitchen so I took it outside but then I realised I had to make the fatal decision:
which of the five flower pots was I to condemn this poor snail to for the rest of its life? I felt so bad exiling this poor creature to the cold darkness of one flower pot in the garden but I chose the plant whose viridescence radiated even through the colourlessness of the night

But anyway its time for revolution thus one is about to watch American Horror Story Hotel episode one and the teal paint is awaiting so goodbye green bedroom you have one night to prepare for your aquatic makeover

Also can we just have a moment for Lady GaGa at the Emmys Im still crying at her unfathomable beauty why can't I be her she's the most beautiful person in the world except Evan Peters sorry