Some day
I will no longer feel fearful.
I would say, perhaps, 'perpetual trepidation' but honestly what I have been feeling, it's just pure, raw, tenebrous fear. I fear crossing old teachers in the corridors bc they say 'morning!!!' to me but bcus I forever feel like a cat entrapped on a hot tin roof wanting to be reunited with the glacial embrace of the cold hard ground (goat scream) also just realised isn't 'blank space' just 'I knew you were trouble' after two years of unlearned lessons???
I don't know what's happening but recently everything has become a struggle: to the extent they have pervaded so deep into my core their manifestations are present within my most intrinsic battle - my vocal expressions. If there is one thing I learned from 'The woman who woke up chinese' (still guilt-burdened for laughing about that even now haha) it is that your voice constitutes an integral part of your identity. I don't know what is going on rn but speaking is such a struggle for me and every day since we returned from exam leave I have received a satirical charade from the charles due to the superfluous tenuity of my vocals. Although I have just been in my room for two months during study leave thus have had little practice with spontaneous speech and social situations so it may be a result of the physical lack of use interspersed with the anxiety of trying to so seamlessly readjust back into society. I just don't know what is burgeoning of me because before I was so abhorred by the interlocking of lips and dismembering of bodies and even a droplet of blood, but somehow the beauty of Evan Peters has changed this all and I don't get it bc now I kind of enjoy seeing it and Im becoming increasingly abhorred by myself upon discovering this. I just dont know who I am anymore - even my hair seemed to grow about an inch overnight after staying stationary for a good couple o months :(
However, although yesterday was really not a good day - feeling so out of touch and detached from reality - I actually really enjoyed today!! I thought more about what I could do for my english language coursework and Im thinking perhaps I could compare how power is deployed in historical southern gothic bildungsroman literature (to kill a mockingbird and perhaps go set a watchman!! Although it won't be a bildungsroman) and contemporary television dramas (breaking bad - walter white's I am the danger speech bc "I am not in danger; I AM the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me?
I am the one who knocks."
Break was nice bcus sat with Lauren and Hannah in the pod and we spoke about doctor who and I told them my real name (at least I think it is??? I just dont even know anymore) and they were v accepting and also they complemented my eyebrows!!! Thus one is eternally grateful bc I hated them until today :} (eyebrows not Lauren and Hannah lol). As they left for english I had no lessons from 10:25 until 2pm thus although this is peak I was excited to see who I would be sharing frees with. Thus I walked into the library and Sammy G waved at me and asked me how exams went and stuff and saw I was reading wuthering heights and said he had seen the ballet performance of it haha. Subsequently, I left and sat in the concourse because it is just so beautiful and was happy to see Molly on a distant table there knowing only four remained in french. I sat and read wuthering heights and it was nice when miss dyke saw me reading and smiled asking 'you ploughing through wuthering heights??' and I felt a bit peak becuase I just said 'yeas' and nodded and laughed v slightly and looked back at my book and mentally rehearsed what just happened a few too many times as she walked away realising how blunt I am and I'm actually so sad because she is one of my favourite teachers but will only have her for five more weeks of my life and then never again in my whole life :(((:(:(( this is so sad do you realise you'll never be taught by some teachers ever again now :(( we'll have toppingshaw for coursework next year which will be good but I will miss miss dyke because unlike any other class when Im in her lessons I feel a transmutation to another world, that even when I walk out the class and return to the existential realms outside of the literary world, nothing is the same.
I finished American Horror Story: Coven within a week of discovering the series!! (lol I watched 38 episodes in 7 days what is wrong with me) and just started freak show last night (season 4). Loved season 3 becuase the singer Stevie Nicks made an appearance and she sang the most beautiful song 'Edge of Seventeen' which will not leave from my mind lol I was singing it in school all day today I could barely even concentrate it just leaves a new untouched fingerprint on your soul and reminds you of everything you've ever felt in your life (wise words from Misty Day <3)
Season 2 (Asylum) was definitely the best because of its gothic atmosphere and chilling character development - quite literally - did you know the the name 'Lana Winters' foreshadows the character's progression from innocent ambition to a glacially calloused, cold-blooded shell of her former self. Lol georgerai said I am actually going to be like her one day haha I am actually so flattered!!! I can just envision myself, having grown bitter and sardonic with the abhorrence of life, inadvertently murdering someone and feeling the paparazzi flooding as I sassily snap my fingers and slide into the back seat saying 'don't touch me; eternalise and sensationalise this moment just ensure to read my book so bye bitches' as I order my chauffeur to play paparazzi hail queen GaGa and take me far away despite knowing I can never escape the core of the entrapment.
When I write a novel these will be the primary themes:
Literally everything has been reminding me of american horror story though its legit tainted my perceptions of the world for the foreseeable future:
- today before school georgerai and I were in the library and he was like 'woah where is everyone'???? as I looked around and it was literally just us I was actually so scared we'd died and were trapped in the murder house or everyone else had died and it was us next
- Hanna got braid extensions and they're so long and dark and nice but one of the vodoo antagonists in coven was a hairdresser who had braids like that!!!! So was initially v scared
word of this blog: glacial
- I love this word because it's so smooth like the icy imagery it conjures
I would say, perhaps, 'perpetual trepidation' but honestly what I have been feeling, it's just pure, raw, tenebrous fear. I fear crossing old teachers in the corridors bc they say 'morning!!!' to me but bcus I forever feel like a cat entrapped on a hot tin roof wanting to be reunited with the glacial embrace of the cold hard ground (goat scream) also just realised isn't 'blank space' just 'I knew you were trouble' after two years of unlearned lessons???
I don't know what's happening but recently everything has become a struggle: to the extent they have pervaded so deep into my core their manifestations are present within my most intrinsic battle - my vocal expressions. If there is one thing I learned from 'The woman who woke up chinese' (still guilt-burdened for laughing about that even now haha) it is that your voice constitutes an integral part of your identity. I don't know what is going on rn but speaking is such a struggle for me and every day since we returned from exam leave I have received a satirical charade from the charles due to the superfluous tenuity of my vocals. Although I have just been in my room for two months during study leave thus have had little practice with spontaneous speech and social situations so it may be a result of the physical lack of use interspersed with the anxiety of trying to so seamlessly readjust back into society. I just don't know what is burgeoning of me because before I was so abhorred by the interlocking of lips and dismembering of bodies and even a droplet of blood, but somehow the beauty of Evan Peters has changed this all and I don't get it bc now I kind of enjoy seeing it and Im becoming increasingly abhorred by myself upon discovering this. I just dont know who I am anymore - even my hair seemed to grow about an inch overnight after staying stationary for a good couple o months :(
However, although yesterday was really not a good day - feeling so out of touch and detached from reality - I actually really enjoyed today!! I thought more about what I could do for my english language coursework and Im thinking perhaps I could compare how power is deployed in historical southern gothic bildungsroman literature (to kill a mockingbird and perhaps go set a watchman!! Although it won't be a bildungsroman) and contemporary television dramas (breaking bad - walter white's I am the danger speech bc "I am not in danger; I AM the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me?
I am the one who knocks."
Break was nice bcus sat with Lauren and Hannah in the pod and we spoke about doctor who and I told them my real name (at least I think it is??? I just dont even know anymore) and they were v accepting and also they complemented my eyebrows!!! Thus one is eternally grateful bc I hated them until today :} (eyebrows not Lauren and Hannah lol). As they left for english I had no lessons from 10:25 until 2pm thus although this is peak I was excited to see who I would be sharing frees with. Thus I walked into the library and Sammy G waved at me and asked me how exams went and stuff and saw I was reading wuthering heights and said he had seen the ballet performance of it haha. Subsequently, I left and sat in the concourse because it is just so beautiful and was happy to see Molly on a distant table there knowing only four remained in french. I sat and read wuthering heights and it was nice when miss dyke saw me reading and smiled asking 'you ploughing through wuthering heights??' and I felt a bit peak becuase I just said 'yeas' and nodded and laughed v slightly and looked back at my book and mentally rehearsed what just happened a few too many times as she walked away realising how blunt I am and I'm actually so sad because she is one of my favourite teachers but will only have her for five more weeks of my life and then never again in my whole life :(((:(:(( this is so sad do you realise you'll never be taught by some teachers ever again now :(( we'll have toppingshaw for coursework next year which will be good but I will miss miss dyke because unlike any other class when Im in her lessons I feel a transmutation to another world, that even when I walk out the class and return to the existential realms outside of the literary world, nothing is the same.
I finished American Horror Story: Coven within a week of discovering the series!! (lol I watched 38 episodes in 7 days what is wrong with me) and just started freak show last night (season 4). Loved season 3 becuase the singer Stevie Nicks made an appearance and she sang the most beautiful song 'Edge of Seventeen' which will not leave from my mind lol I was singing it in school all day today I could barely even concentrate it just leaves a new untouched fingerprint on your soul and reminds you of everything you've ever felt in your life (wise words from Misty Day <3)
Season 2 (Asylum) was definitely the best because of its gothic atmosphere and chilling character development - quite literally - did you know the the name 'Lana Winters' foreshadows the character's progression from innocent ambition to a glacially calloused, cold-blooded shell of her former self. Lol georgerai said I am actually going to be like her one day haha I am actually so flattered!!! I can just envision myself, having grown bitter and sardonic with the abhorrence of life, inadvertently murdering someone and feeling the paparazzi flooding as I sassily snap my fingers and slide into the back seat saying 'don't touch me; eternalise and sensationalise this moment just ensure to read my book so bye bitches' as I order my chauffeur to play paparazzi hail queen GaGa and take me far away despite knowing I can never escape the core of the entrapment.
When I write a novel these will be the primary themes:
- Suicide - did you know it is the most omnipresent cause of death for young males???
- Prejudice - thus I will dispel the undeviating stereotyped perceptions of society
- Appearances versus reality - thus highlighting the corruptive nature of mankind and how someone though thought you could trust the most is a multi-faceted sycophant
- Metamorphosis - there will be something that causes an irreparable physical change as a result of a greater irrepressible force and it will be a metaphor for something idk
- Satan - hopefully I will portray him sympathetically bc he's was nice just had a bad day and as we all know: one moment of anger; lifetime of pain.
Literally everything has been reminding me of american horror story though its legit tainted my perceptions of the world for the foreseeable future:
- today before school georgerai and I were in the library and he was like 'woah where is everyone'???? as I looked around and it was literally just us I was actually so scared we'd died and were trapped in the murder house or everyone else had died and it was us next
- Hanna got braid extensions and they're so long and dark and nice but one of the vodoo antagonists in coven was a hairdresser who had braids like that!!!! So was initially v scared
word of this blog: glacial
- I love this word because it's so smooth like the icy imagery it conjures
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