Unfaithful
All my life Ive just pushed everyone away who's ever tried to get close to me but i finally found someone who I was unafraid to love but I killed him
idk why I do this maybe it was losing snowsephine maybe it was bc the only people Id ever had feelings for betrayed me maybe I have reactive attachment disorder i dont think ill ever know but what i do know is in trying to pursue an altruistic love, I became consumed by hedonism, hypocrisy, malevolence, mendacity and manipulation.
I became everything I feared in humanity.
If youve been with me for the past couple of years you will have followed me on a journey of psychological torment as I suffered the hands of abuse and betrayal and many other things that youll never know bc I vow to take them to my grave but now everything I condem about human nature, its what Ive become. Literally the most beautiful boy I had ever seen trusted me and I betrayed him. So many times. So many nights I kiss blurry faced guys and lesbians and awaken in someone else's room with bruises on my fingers and lacerations on my face and callouses beating from my repenting heart.
Why did i do it?? I can't say I know for sure but
I was so torn by the desire to love you and my capacity or incapacity of being able to fulfil this because since I lost my queen I was convinced I was incapable of love and this was only compounded by everyone in my life telling me this love was wrong; everyone close to me invalidating and dismissing my emotions. and I was so confused because, for the first time in my life, I was fortifying a beautiful, psychic, transcendental metaphysical bond with someone so beautiful and I didnt know how to cope with this reciprocal emotional connection that all my life I'd convinced myself I was undeserving of when all my life had people has been ingraining in me that I was selfish and malicious.
And then this belief would be refuted by my inherent kindness which people would use to their advantage as they manipulated me
So I guess I just decided to embrace this inner malice. All this ambivalence, all this dissonant affection that I didn't believe I deserved and that I was being made to feel so guilty for feeling when all I wanted to do was give someone who so desperately desired death a reason to live, even if, with each attempt at taking his own life I lost a part of mine.
So I fell in the viceful arms of what I was driven to most
I would drink until my vision is so blurry Id let any lips that came close to mine take my intoxicated heart in its lustful bite to undo this toxic love I was ensnared in that I'd ensnared myself in?? an attempt to enhance the clandestine toxicity ??
Yes, he abused my emotional fragility, but that's who he is and I couldn't ask him to change because this is the boy I fell in love with. Fearing change and becoming the controlling or governing abuser, I chose abusive convergence: was it retaliation or parallelisation ??
the guilt was what killed me. So I let him see the messages. I knew what he was doing as I said my final goodbye to his kind but sad caramel dogger
I felt like he knew this whole time
and honestly? I was relieved. As horrible as it was hurting him I was happy he finally saw me for me.
I betrayed him. I lied to him. I manipulated him. Okay, these are all the things he did to me, but at least he had the audacity to do it in plain sight; I couldnt face what Id done so Id just pretend it wasnt real but
All I wanted was to protect the one I loved. But in trying to conceal, I attacked. And I will hate myself forever for the person I have become. I just hope he hates me as much as I hate myself.
I know he's thinking of me but I just hope he thinks of the pain I caused him and
I should have known when to walk away
but I couldnt let go and, my beautiful readers, if theres one thing Ive learnt from this its that you cannot protect someone with lies and oblivion.
Be honest and beautiful and dont let yourself become like me. Even if that means letting go of those you love; dont wait until you have no choice.
its kinda tragic because a year ago today when I looked in the mirror, I saw a hideous, underweight face with dying eyes but a beautiful soul and now all I see is a masquerade of superficial beauty (ya boi's gained 10 lbs fuck you anorexia) but a callous eyes and a more calloused soul
how did reciprocal love turn into reciprocal psychological torture?
I finally know what Rhianna was singing about after all these years and oh my god the guilt will kill you stay faithful or leave okay
QOTB: confetti by Sia <3
"I watched you slip...
away no explanation
I stared at the diamond on my finger and I waited
and the truth never came
but I know her name..."
idk why I do this maybe it was losing snowsephine maybe it was bc the only people Id ever had feelings for betrayed me maybe I have reactive attachment disorder i dont think ill ever know but what i do know is in trying to pursue an altruistic love, I became consumed by hedonism, hypocrisy, malevolence, mendacity and manipulation.
I became everything I feared in humanity.
If youve been with me for the past couple of years you will have followed me on a journey of psychological torment as I suffered the hands of abuse and betrayal and many other things that youll never know bc I vow to take them to my grave but now everything I condem about human nature, its what Ive become. Literally the most beautiful boy I had ever seen trusted me and I betrayed him. So many times. So many nights I kiss blurry faced guys and lesbians and awaken in someone else's room with bruises on my fingers and lacerations on my face and callouses beating from my repenting heart.
Why did i do it?? I can't say I know for sure but
I was so torn by the desire to love you and my capacity or incapacity of being able to fulfil this because since I lost my queen I was convinced I was incapable of love and this was only compounded by everyone in my life telling me this love was wrong; everyone close to me invalidating and dismissing my emotions. and I was so confused because, for the first time in my life, I was fortifying a beautiful, psychic, transcendental metaphysical bond with someone so beautiful and I didnt know how to cope with this reciprocal emotional connection that all my life I'd convinced myself I was undeserving of when all my life had people has been ingraining in me that I was selfish and malicious.
And then this belief would be refuted by my inherent kindness which people would use to their advantage as they manipulated me
So I guess I just decided to embrace this inner malice. All this ambivalence, all this dissonant affection that I didn't believe I deserved and that I was being made to feel so guilty for feeling when all I wanted to do was give someone who so desperately desired death a reason to live, even if, with each attempt at taking his own life I lost a part of mine.
So I fell in the viceful arms of what I was driven to most
I would drink until my vision is so blurry Id let any lips that came close to mine take my intoxicated heart in its lustful bite to undo this toxic love I was ensnared in that I'd ensnared myself in?? an attempt to enhance the clandestine toxicity ??
Yes, he abused my emotional fragility, but that's who he is and I couldn't ask him to change because this is the boy I fell in love with. Fearing change and becoming the controlling or governing abuser, I chose abusive convergence: was it retaliation or parallelisation ??
the guilt was what killed me. So I let him see the messages. I knew what he was doing as I said my final goodbye to his kind but sad caramel dogger
I felt like he knew this whole time
and honestly? I was relieved. As horrible as it was hurting him I was happy he finally saw me for me.
I betrayed him. I lied to him. I manipulated him. Okay, these are all the things he did to me, but at least he had the audacity to do it in plain sight; I couldnt face what Id done so Id just pretend it wasnt real but
All I wanted was to protect the one I loved. But in trying to conceal, I attacked. And I will hate myself forever for the person I have become. I just hope he hates me as much as I hate myself.
I know he's thinking of me but I just hope he thinks of the pain I caused him and
I should have known when to walk away
but I couldnt let go and, my beautiful readers, if theres one thing Ive learnt from this its that you cannot protect someone with lies and oblivion.
Be honest and beautiful and dont let yourself become like me. Even if that means letting go of those you love; dont wait until you have no choice.
its kinda tragic because a year ago today when I looked in the mirror, I saw a hideous, underweight face with dying eyes but a beautiful soul and now all I see is a masquerade of superficial beauty (ya boi's gained 10 lbs fuck you anorexia) but a callous eyes and a more calloused soul
how did reciprocal love turn into reciprocal psychological torture?
I finally know what Rhianna was singing about after all these years and oh my god the guilt will kill you stay faithful or leave okay
QOTB: confetti by Sia <3
"I watched you slip...
away no explanation
I stared at the diamond on my finger and I waited
and the truth never came
but I know her name..."
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