cauterised shadows
hey you
so many things have happened since our last encounter for example:
Im an ombre poodle lion now and I also respond to rafpoodle, rafpunzel and rafpoodlion
so Ive had a boyf for seven or eight weeks and he's v cool v vegan v transgender and has many of the psychological disorders and we went to see a drag show in london
so we met in london and took the tube to his uncle's place and he was so nice we just got lit and did our drag makeup
if you've seen season 2 of drag race you'll b v jealous bc we saw Raven and Jujubee the qts it was so good but then this thing happened okay so we were in the bar watching the queens perform and it was beautiful I screamed so loud Raven is such a beautiful masculine queen and Juju is my fav bc she's p much my piano teacher v fishy v asiatic v classy
THEN RAVEN COMES INTO THE AUDIENCE
then
my boyf is like OH MY GOD SHE TOUCHED MY HAND
then
this v salaciously attired girl who deffo saw us kiss evidently has some sort of psychodegenerative disorders bc bless the flapperesque bitch she'd forgot all her clothes except her underwear which v much excited my boyf when he was dancing with earlier also exclaimed RAVEN TOUCHED MY HAND
and I watched their eyes become ensnared by desire as their lips began to interlock, impassioned with unfaithfulness and lust
I never realised what a curse hearing could be; the friction and abrasion of their vacuous mouths
the sound of infidelity
will haunt me forever
honestly it was the moment their eyes met and their smiles fell to lustful neutrality that broke my chain enslaved heart into a fragmentary ruin of blood and betrayal
I leave them to continue but he follows me anyway
screaming my name with the same mouth of caustic carnality he betrayed me with
this bitch is brave I give you that he has the audacity to say my name, with a sickening, sadistic kind of sensual brutality and this ensues
unfaithful lover: "Raf I didn't even kiss her idk who she is why would I kiss her when I love you I tried to tell you when you were in bath but you just ignored me"
betrayed peeing poodle: "okay but did it ever occur to you that Id never allowed myself to believe someone would ever say to me and I wouldn't know how to respond"
// yes I speak in semi colons Im a soon to be english lit major okay //
the betrayer: "I don't even like girls anymore I only love you"
smug poodle: [pouting with remorseful complacency] "ok"
then I told him I had to call ash my beautiful beautiful best friend and I explained to her what happened
I don't know what love feels like but if I could love someone, it would be ash
unpopular theory on mood disorders but I think my life experiences ((as u all know trauma abuse grief the list goes on)) triggered depression to attack the part of my brain responsible for emotions to protect me from the abhorrence of feelings
to the point where as much as I care about certain humans, I will never love anyone
I have another theory that humans are all capable of each type of love, myself included but theres only one person you'll ever feel it for in your life and once its lost gdbye
so I know I feel platonic love for ash but idk because a year of popping pills that artificially inseminate my brain with many of the neurotransmitters (okay thats not how they work but ygm) I feel like its blurred the boundaries between organic emotions and psychochemical artificiality
kinda like the point in my ombre where my hair shifts from untouched asiatic tenebrosity to a debatable shade of caramel orange
theres a point in the blend where you're like ?? whats the original and whats peroxide infused corrosion ??
interesting this kinda has echoic ripples with a recent situation Ive been in where I buy my cheating lover meet and greet tickets for our idols and he repays me in betrayal interesting much parallel
so I text lizzi my fav flatmate and omar my beautiful gay bestie to inform them my boyf just kissed a girl in front of me and I call my mother but this boy thinks its cool to walk into the road FOUR TIMES so I have to keep hanging up and grabbing his repulsive arms bc theres satiating you're sadistic desires but then theres undying remorse and as you guys can prob tell I am PLAGUED BY MORALITY so every time, okay I watch him walk and see the cars heading towards him, but not for a second do I think of leaving him there
so we return and sleep on the floor of his uncle's bedsit and I cry for the first time in so long but again
these tears
I dont trust them
they don't taste the same they used to before I began pumping my body with psychotropics
they don't have the same cathartic high they used to
weakened by watching the one you trusted most destroy every last molecule of trust that remained within u
maybe that is why
I miss my tears I used to cry like an ecstatic sponge discovering the flying dutchman's ability to tie a knot
but also like mr krabsey when he sells spongebob for 52cents and realises his borderline pathological inherence, so consumed by greed and gluttonous self-absorption
so this renegade lover awakens me and tells me to talk to him and Im just like "Ive booked a train back to bath okay" and he pleas for me to stay w him but I break up with him
and he tries to justify the desire in his eyes but he soon realises the futility bc this poodle can pretty much dispel any petty excuse if theres one thing Im good at avoiding its arguments but if theres one thing Im good at winning its also arguments bc I find every flawed logic like a drug detecting doggo who gets some guy imprisoned bc of his methadone addicted ancestor who likely didn't know what they were doing
logical opacity?? no honey:
tragical translucency thats how I breathe in this world of asphyxiating mendacity
so bless my boyf's dad he calls me at the train station and is like WTF HAPPENED WHAT THE FIQ DID HE DO TO YOU and he was so nice he was like WE LOVE YOU SM WE DONT WANT TO LOSE YOU OKAY and I was just like sorry I can't divulge in front of the present villainy but I promised to talk to him later
with only 26 minutes until our coach we caught a taxi and parted ways like a segmentary wave split by the powers of poseidon's electric magnetisation himself
I turned my back to my betrayer as we parted ways
did I look back?
did he look back?
or did we both just walk away for the final time, without saying a word?
I'll leave this one up to you.
I think you already know
--
so I perspired like a winter hound in desperate need of shedding his winter coat but hasn't the strength to lose anymore
not after what he's been through
and then I get a message
"I have so many feelings left for you and I don't know what to do raf"
I kinda envy his emotional capacity lol I wish I could feel emotions but all I feel are neurotransmitters
I say to him: "never forget okay just keep them all alive all of them because if you bury them now theres no resurrection okay and you'll need them for someone else someday there will be someone so deserving of them I promise"
to validate I follow up with,
"trust me this is coming from the queen of emotional repression literally all I even am anymore is glitter ombre and emotional scar tissue"
I allude to an inside joke we shared and thats the last thing I said to him despite his emphatic proliferations of sorrys
you know how words lose their semantical value through repeated use right?? I want to tell him to say my name as many times as he told me he's sorry because maybe then Ill mean just as much to him as his apologies
but Im a kind queen so I say nothing and let that be my final trace upon his unreciprocated heart
I told his dad he could call me and bless him he was so kind to me he told me he's so sorry his son was such a dickhead to me and that Im unorthodox but a legit good decent human being so pls keep in touch and I was just <3<3<3
Carys and Ash gave me the kindest hugs and we watched hurricane bianca and everything felt okay for a few moments
I was so happy to be home after such a nightmarish series of events but Im trying to think despite the pain theres some positives to our relationship:
plus he legit wanted me to stay with him so yes I feel many guilts for being the heartbreaker but I had no choice
Like a Gothic nightmare, the visions of last night will vex my mind for as long as I live and dream
I fear I may never be able to separate desire from betrayal: it took me nineteen years to accept that someone could potentially love me
how much longer now I can see this was just another tale of illusory betrayal
so many things have happened since our last encounter for example:
Im an ombre poodle lion now and I also respond to rafpoodle, rafpunzel and rafpoodlion
so Ive had a boyf for seven or eight weeks and he's v cool v vegan v transgender and has many of the psychological disorders and we went to see a drag show in london
so we met in london and took the tube to his uncle's place and he was so nice we just got lit and did our drag makeup
if you've seen season 2 of drag race you'll b v jealous bc we saw Raven and Jujubee the qts it was so good but then this thing happened okay so we were in the bar watching the queens perform and it was beautiful I screamed so loud Raven is such a beautiful masculine queen and Juju is my fav bc she's p much my piano teacher v fishy v asiatic v classy
THEN RAVEN COMES INTO THE AUDIENCE
then
my boyf is like OH MY GOD SHE TOUCHED MY HAND
then
this v salaciously attired girl who deffo saw us kiss evidently has some sort of psychodegenerative disorders bc bless the flapperesque bitch she'd forgot all her clothes except her underwear which v much excited my boyf when he was dancing with earlier also exclaimed RAVEN TOUCHED MY HAND
and I watched their eyes become ensnared by desire as their lips began to interlock, impassioned with unfaithfulness and lust
I never realised what a curse hearing could be; the friction and abrasion of their vacuous mouths
the sound of infidelity
will haunt me forever
honestly it was the moment their eyes met and their smiles fell to lustful neutrality that broke my chain enslaved heart into a fragmentary ruin of blood and betrayal
I leave them to continue but he follows me anyway
screaming my name with the same mouth of caustic carnality he betrayed me with
this bitch is brave I give you that he has the audacity to say my name, with a sickening, sadistic kind of sensual brutality and this ensues
unfaithful lover: "Raf I didn't even kiss her idk who she is why would I kiss her when I love you I tried to tell you when you were in bath but you just ignored me"
betrayed peeing poodle: "okay but did it ever occur to you that Id never allowed myself to believe someone would ever say to me and I wouldn't know how to respond"
// yes I speak in semi colons Im a soon to be english lit major okay //
the betrayer: "I don't even like girls anymore I only love you"
smug poodle: [pouting with remorseful complacency] "ok"
then I told him I had to call ash my beautiful beautiful best friend and I explained to her what happened
I don't know what love feels like but if I could love someone, it would be ash
unpopular theory on mood disorders but I think my life experiences ((as u all know trauma abuse grief the list goes on)) triggered depression to attack the part of my brain responsible for emotions to protect me from the abhorrence of feelings
to the point where as much as I care about certain humans, I will never love anyone
I have another theory that humans are all capable of each type of love, myself included but theres only one person you'll ever feel it for in your life and once its lost gdbye
so I know I feel platonic love for ash but idk because a year of popping pills that artificially inseminate my brain with many of the neurotransmitters (okay thats not how they work but ygm) I feel like its blurred the boundaries between organic emotions and psychochemical artificiality
kinda like the point in my ombre where my hair shifts from untouched asiatic tenebrosity to a debatable shade of caramel orange
theres a point in the blend where you're like ?? whats the original and whats peroxide infused corrosion ??
interesting this kinda has echoic ripples with a recent situation Ive been in where I buy my cheating lover meet and greet tickets for our idols and he repays me in betrayal interesting much parallel
so I text lizzi my fav flatmate and omar my beautiful gay bestie to inform them my boyf just kissed a girl in front of me and I call my mother but this boy thinks its cool to walk into the road FOUR TIMES so I have to keep hanging up and grabbing his repulsive arms bc theres satiating you're sadistic desires but then theres undying remorse and as you guys can prob tell I am PLAGUED BY MORALITY so every time, okay I watch him walk and see the cars heading towards him, but not for a second do I think of leaving him there
so we return and sleep on the floor of his uncle's bedsit and I cry for the first time in so long but again
these tears
I dont trust them
they don't taste the same they used to before I began pumping my body with psychotropics
they don't have the same cathartic high they used to
weakened by watching the one you trusted most destroy every last molecule of trust that remained within u
maybe that is why
I miss my tears I used to cry like an ecstatic sponge discovering the flying dutchman's ability to tie a knot
but also like mr krabsey when he sells spongebob for 52cents and realises his borderline pathological inherence, so consumed by greed and gluttonous self-absorption
so this renegade lover awakens me and tells me to talk to him and Im just like "Ive booked a train back to bath okay" and he pleas for me to stay w him but I break up with him
and he tries to justify the desire in his eyes but he soon realises the futility bc this poodle can pretty much dispel any petty excuse if theres one thing Im good at avoiding its arguments but if theres one thing Im good at winning its also arguments bc I find every flawed logic like a drug detecting doggo who gets some guy imprisoned bc of his methadone addicted ancestor who likely didn't know what they were doing
logical opacity?? no honey:
tragical translucency thats how I breathe in this world of asphyxiating mendacity
so bless my boyf's dad he calls me at the train station and is like WTF HAPPENED WHAT THE FIQ DID HE DO TO YOU and he was so nice he was like WE LOVE YOU SM WE DONT WANT TO LOSE YOU OKAY and I was just like sorry I can't divulge in front of the present villainy but I promised to talk to him later
with only 26 minutes until our coach we caught a taxi and parted ways like a segmentary wave split by the powers of poseidon's electric magnetisation himself
I turned my back to my betrayer as we parted ways
did I look back?
did he look back?
or did we both just walk away for the final time, without saying a word?
I'll leave this one up to you.
I think you already know
--
so I perspired like a winter hound in desperate need of shedding his winter coat but hasn't the strength to lose anymore
not after what he's been through
and then I get a message
"I have so many feelings left for you and I don't know what to do raf"
I kinda envy his emotional capacity lol I wish I could feel emotions but all I feel are neurotransmitters
I say to him: "never forget okay just keep them all alive all of them because if you bury them now theres no resurrection okay and you'll need them for someone else someday there will be someone so deserving of them I promise"
to validate I follow up with,
"trust me this is coming from the queen of emotional repression literally all I even am anymore is glitter ombre and emotional scar tissue"
I allude to an inside joke we shared and thats the last thing I said to him despite his emphatic proliferations of sorrys
you know how words lose their semantical value through repeated use right?? I want to tell him to say my name as many times as he told me he's sorry because maybe then Ill mean just as much to him as his apologies
but Im a kind queen so I say nothing and let that be my final trace upon his unreciprocated heart
I told his dad he could call me and bless him he was so kind to me he told me he's so sorry his son was such a dickhead to me and that Im unorthodox but a legit good decent human being so pls keep in touch and I was just <3<3<3
Carys and Ash gave me the kindest hugs and we watched hurricane bianca and everything felt okay for a few moments
I was so happy to be home after such a nightmarish series of events but Im trying to think despite the pain theres some positives to our relationship:
- I legit believe I'm beautiful for the first time in my life like beautiful people have told me Im beautiful before but I never allowed myself to believe it until I met him
- I know Im a good person: I never kissed any of the guys who flirted with me when I was 100 miles away from my boyf bc I may be flawed but I'm faithful honeys plus I never utilised the cruel card and oh my god there were words in my mind of nothing but sadistic malevolence but I stayed overtly classy and subtly sassy
plus he legit wanted me to stay with him so yes I feel many guilts for being the heartbreaker but I had no choice
Like a Gothic nightmare, the visions of last night will vex my mind for as long as I live and dream
I fear I may never be able to separate desire from betrayal: it took me nineteen years to accept that someone could potentially love me
how much longer now I can see this was just another tale of illusory betrayal
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