Illicit beauty

 "and I 

most jocund, apt and willingly

~ to do you rest ~

a thousand deaths would die..."

• Viola, Twelfth Night

This is illicit beauty and it breaks me also I'm in Hong Kong and it's pretty af 💮💮💮

so it's been three weeks since the day that changed everything and I'm still fearful that I hallucinated everything and to refute the truth I ensnared myself in a perpetual limbo of reveries and mendacity

before one divulges I finally experienced catharsis in its most powerful form!!!!

I relinquished myself of the thing I love the most but also loathe the most 

Power

Absolution

Retribution

sorry lana I love you but fuck money power and glory absolute retribution is where I'm at

I've overcome my addiction to physical pain but I fear displacement with psychological torture

and I realised:

the cure will only ever be an illusive dream locked behind the most opacious of facades 

with subjugation to the powerlessness, choice is conferred

I can concede; I can follow the footfalls of 

defeat 

but I can uproot the concrete depressions that have vexed me for too long and it starts by letting go of what I love because what once defined me now destroys me 

ironically it's just a manifestation of deeper psychological struggles but if there's one thing I hold of both the snow queen and president snow's legacies it's what we love most that destroys us

so I took the shears and hacked away as I let the spirits of insanity both possess and decay as I cut away

cerise curls

which fade after one wash so I'm ginger and proudrais don't hate 

it's ten inches I miss everyday but hoping to donate to the little princess trust because there's someone who needs my hair, however tainted, so much more than i wanted it 

and I needed to let it go 

18th August 2016

blood alcohol intoxication: level 1

I embraced my newly severed locks like a crown of fire and rainclouds sewn into the fabric of my soul and for one day being granted to reach out and show the cruel oppressive world it's true form 

and in a paradox of souls I felt a physical transmutation so say goodbye to Rafadoodlies, the tentative pseudopoodle driven to insanity by his guilt complex

and meet rafpunzel the unapologetic sorcerer of souls in hair forms!!!!

so on the night of results day I hyped up on a glass of red mountain rosé, equipped with my heels of death and met Lauren in the olde England which is literally the cutest pub ever with her friend Jack and she v kindly bought me a drink 💖

I saw they did a raspberry wine and Lauren gave me no choice but to go for a large glass and I was waved af

there was a beautiful doge and the more I drank the more obsessed I became it was so big literally could have swallowed me hole but I was transfixed 

gonna miss u lozza 

blood alcohol intoxication: level 2

pretty sure I'm a solid 5 ft 7 in these heels compared to 5 ft 3 normally the power is fragmentary !!!

After saying goodbye to Loz and Jack I played a dangerous game walking a mile to the music centre in these new af river island boots considering I had never been so drunk in my life but I did it and I texted an equally intoxicated georgerai to ask of his whereabouts but he was gone af like me and couldn't even figure out where he was hahaha but I saw a tomato and realised I could locate him on find friends!!! I saw he was less than a mile down the road so I galloped like a horse high on ket infused with a suspicious blend of other illicit recreational substances but I was a hot af horse so I retraced my steps and went back to find my 

I found some familiar faces clustered around the pub including Coe dog and gave him a hug and asked where Georgerai was and he said in the pub and as I walked I topped up as holly gave me some of her drink and there he was!!! I was still struggling to breathe from the run and i had long since surpassed the limits of balance so I clasped my arms around the Georgerai's neck and let him know what I risked for him as I told him ok I ran for him in these heels!!!!

outside I found a sparkly cheekboned Andrea and hugged her for the first time I think and died of regret a little inside when feeling her soft dark curls :((

as we travelled to our next institution of intoxication I was paralysed by a flash of  blonde beauty so powerful I was immobilised by his transcending illumination

and this, I think, was my first experience of illicit beauty 

I couldn't allow him to go any further without talking to him so I said hey and we shook hands and we exchanged names and I felt illuminated with every second and with him I transgressed 

I asked him if he was a natural blonde and he said yes and told me he liked my nails <3

he said he was going to cordys so I slowed down to reunite with the Georgerai bc I knew I'd see him later

we entered the volunteer to pee and I saw Danny lambley and got v emotional as we hugged and I told him i was thinking of him bc hes so clever <3 sat with holly and then the other Dan entered bought me a vodka shot but if tasted like nail varnish and jalapeños so I gave it to the Georgerai 

across the road we entered the penny whistle where they do the good tunes and cheap thrills came on but we were precluded from stepping onto the dance floor with our vodkas but it didn't stop us raving bc as long as we could feel the beat 

oh oh 

I LOVE CHEAP THRILLS 

upon leaving we discussed all the coconuts and I felt betrayed by the Georgerai when he told me the only coconut he likes is the coconut paper on the macaroons but I got so confused because I thought macaroons were pretty patties and also after my blog in Singapore when I had the coconut waters I'm pretty sure the Georgerai and I discussed our mutual love of the milk of the coconuts :((( anyway I met Jack and promised our selfie would be on the blog so here you go my renegade ex bae 

before cordys I lost the Georgerai and i got v sad so I was going up to every group saying 'have you seen Georgerai' but these were people who had never met him so tears for this doodle 

but!!!! then someone said omg do you remember me and I was like KIRSTY!!!! we sat next to each other in year 4 !! <3 

the past is haunting but it isn't always a malevolent goul sometimes it's a spirit and its in its transparency we call it house vodka <33333

cordys was lit AF I met many more people from my past and was so hyped on alcohol adrenaline I jumped onto the bar and tried to give jack another hug and he reciprocated but reminded me we'd already seen each other haha I was done but oh my god Id never been so happy and excited in my life all night everyone kept saying to me 'Raf I heard you did really wel!!!!' and each time I'd scream 'I got A*AB idk how I legit didn't even revise hahaha' and I kept asking everyone if they'd seen a beautiful boy with long blonde hair but no one seemed to know except Rosie who's going to bath spa too (but gap year first)) 

but amidst the mass of people I saw him and I hugged him like he'd fall to pieces the second I let go 

tragic like everything I've ever treasured this much, he slipped away and again, I was immobilised by the loss and all I could do was watch him descend the stairs and pine for him like a dog who can never be sure if his owner will ever return

even though they always do

eventually 

blood alcohol intoxication: 2 wines, 4 vodkas

I met all the people I finally met Annabel Georgerai's friend who has all the horses!!! drunk people are so nice all night people were telling me I look beautiful and Annabel said she felt like she'd met a celebrity meeting me haha 💖💖

this is Annabel hope I see her again bc I bought her a vodka + lemonade and she let me take a puff of her cig oh nicotine rush where u at infect me with your tar and carcinogenic ashes once again 

ALSO I saw this girl I think her names heidi and we started screaming as we realised we met each other at the English language workshop!!!! she's from the college Kush would be jealous 

2am approached and I said goodbye to Charlotte and Georgerai and stumbled alone taking selfies with every cute boy I saw but no one compared to my illicit blond beauty 

but the NBs gardens brought us together for one final time that night and I went straight for the hug because I was not prepared to lose him not again and he told me he was sweaty but I said it's okay and when we released our embrace I didn't step back as far as I should have and some by instinctual force my eyes fell to his lips of lustrous candy fuschia and I could see beneath his lashes of gold his eyes were locked on my lips too

and it just happened

we started kissing!!!!

I was so drunk I had no idea what was going on but all I knew is I didn't want it to end and if I had to I'd have allowed nothing but the sin infused garden air to plague my lungs, so that I'd smell forever the particles of nicotine dust and tobacco ash; the half smoked cigarettes in perpetual proliferation; I'd have sacrificed the memory of every food I'd ever tasted but the flames of vodka bleaching my throat; I'd let every breath corrode my lungs and burn like an irrepressible wildfire flaming from my lungs  

I'd brush my teeth and immodestly drink a litre of cold water every morning and every night if I had to

because no physical pain could negate the emotional power I felt

did it last a second? a minute? an hour I don't know but somehow he slipped away and I never saw him again 

and I feared if our lips parted for long enough, or they never touched again, this sensory horror would manifest and I would be condemned to an eternity of breathless living

maybe it was just because this was my first kiss maybe it was the alcohol

but I never knew emotions like this existed 

plus my first kiss was with a 10/10 literally the second he left I texted Georgerai 'I just made out with him but how he was so out of my league!!!!!' and also idk who this girl was but I think she was nice 

another highlight was discovering Jacob is going to bath spa!!!!! 

~ I'm free to be the greatest I'm alive