Coney Island Queen

I'm finally tumblr hipster goals I just made a batch of gluten free cookies + filter coffee and finished the girl on the train which the morrision bequeathed to me for being voted class shakespeare for english language <3

for once I feel confident enough to repeal the facade of varnish and show you guys my naked keratin because I've learnt I have nothing to hide

If you want to try the g free v life here's the cookie recipe:
buckwheat flour
oat flower
flaxseeds
tahini or peanut butter
coconut margerine
rice milk
rice flour chocolate
(video): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09lr3o4VNXc

so if there's one thing I've learnt since my last blog update its that there is no greater euphoria than psychic clarity

but it took me until now to realise my unshed tears from all these years of repression have veiled my vision and all I want is a lucid life free of uncertainty

but I just had my final session with my counsellor today and I'm so sad because she was so so lovely and she helped me through so much over these past five months of my psychopathological tragectory through recovery and regression and now I'll never see her again :((( she told me how sad it was for her because she could see the weight I was losing in my face each week and I had no idea until it was almost too late but thanks to some tough love from my psychiatrist/ parents/ psychologists I've been eating so much food and last time I checked my weight had gone up to 40.7kg (which is progress goals from a couple of months ago when it drastically dropped from 43-39 without me even noticing)

but she too changed with me and she told me she takes a part of each client with her and it's sad because although she says she's learnt from me I can see how vexed she's become over time and it must be a sad life being a councellor

because with each fibre of the therapeutic relationship
each strand of trust that fortifies over time
must inevitably be broken
severed so callously
cut in a chasm of cruelty and sin

Literally I hope I can get a poetry collection published someday <3 

I just read the girl on the train and I'm proud of myself because this is the first book I've read since my OCD has been treated so I can actually move on from a paragraph in less than 30 minutes lol

It had the most cathartic ending of any book I've ever read!! Perfect mixture of pathetic cynicism with rewarded hero <3 I identified so much with the protagonist becuase she was a victim of domestic abuse, alcohol addiction and depression </3 plus her name is Rach and I feel like Rachel Green when my hair is straight lol

but ok this book had such a deserving and rewarding ending and I literally learnt so much from reading this because if I can love Rachel the villainised and pathologised protagonist than maybe I can love myself maybe not but we share many tragic traits and I am so proud of her and after following her story I am proud of myself also so TY PAULA HAWKINS you're the best <3

so if you want a manipulative psychological thriller about mendacity and heroic realism youve gotta give this a read

My psychiatrist told me he was v proud of me so in hope of subsiding the side effects of the drugs he said I could reduce my dosage from 100mg-75mg!!! and my insomniac brain is slowly ebbing away which has given me more time to dream of NYC

When youve been going for six months of psychotherapy the goal is closure/ resolution and I realised I never published the final chapter of my ventures amidst New York so GUYS I hope you can forgive me for the fragmentary uploads but here is episode three of NYC 2015!!! 

Day 6 (Sunday 23rd August):
So on the penultimate day we took a boat from manhattan to the statue of liberty but I get sea sick but that didn't stop me going out to the front deck and eating all the salt in the air

when we returned to manhattan we went to H&M on fifth avenue and for I got a pretty purple jumper which I never wear lol

then we went to central park again and deep replied saying he was too sick to even go into work so probably wouldnt get to see him :(

After four years of Lana Del Slayying I had to see what she was singing about throughout Born to Die to we took the train to Coney Island!!

On the way we stopped off at a v cute gluten free vegan bakery!! Entering the establishment one was greeted with a welcome back which was so cute bc we went there four days previously but it felt like so many lifetimes had passed since then <3 I asked for a mint brownie and a vanilla red velvet cupcake but I feared there are sociocultural differences or just a linguistic disparity between the bronx and northants interpretation of cupcakes and brownies when the lady reached for some cookies and filled a bag with sIX OF THEM

but then she placed me order alongside them and pushed them towards me as she said 'the cookies are on the house' <3<3<3

until this day I never knew such kindred altruism existed in such a cruel world of ultraviolent malevolence

The outskirts of NYC of summer 2015 were hot af so the v kind lady told me I should eat them within an hour, lest the icy mint frosting melts and the velveteen crust crumbles before it ever reaches my mouth

Coney Island was the final stop and it was a beautiful but tragic train journey watching the carriage grow ever more sparse, all the while knowing our inevitable pending termination would leave us no choice but to go after the longest hour of waiting for the place I'd dreamed of for so many years of listening to Lana

I'd asked deep if we could meet him at his work the previous night but no reply so I guessed he probably didnt want to see me but on the train I got a reply saying he was too sick to even go to work that day and I was sad I didnt get to see him but the georgerai gave me some concilliatory solace as he told me at least we got back in touch <3

Walking out the train station it was unequivocal where lana got her 2012 sassy sugar inspo vibe from this is the first thing you see in coney island!!

what the FUC I just realised coney island is a recurring motif in born to die; btd was released in 2012; 2012 = KONY2012!!!!!!!!!!

LANA
HOW COULD YOU

I'm just glad pre-depression doodle lacked the mental clarity/ psycholucidity to see this
sometimes the truth is what ensnares you;
sometimes its mendacity that sets you free

...

so literally coney island is just your typical seaside skegness-esque theme park just americanised and its harder to breathe becuase the hoodlum drug scene is everpresent

also another cute feature of american theme parks is that they put SNAKES IN BINS FOR SADISTIC SPECTATORS TO PHOTOGRAPH FOR THEIR VOYEURISTIC PLEASURE

KILLKONY 2012 THE BARBARIC TYRANNY MUST END

reptileequalityact2016 get this trending

Anyway the park is very pretty and theres this floral UFO looking ride thats changes colour like a lost chameleon awakening after being kidnapped and chloroformed by a neon cybergoth I even set it as my twitter header for some time upon returning

We sat on the beach and listened to Carmen the most mysterious song on born to die which I'm sure is about some kind of prostitute
"buy her tonight, she's still shining like LIGHTNING"
or maybe its an autobiographical allegory of Lana's coercive producers maybe its both

I took some sunset selfies as I ate my mint chocolate brownie on the dusty sand of dusk and dreams

now that I think about it that was the last time I ever felt truly safe

perhaps not the last; I could long to return to the escapist solace of coney island beach but I can honestly say I'd rather be where I am now

almost a year has gone by and I've confronted my demons and I will always be haunted by them but I overcame it all I didnt just run away I fought and lost so many hairs and gained so many scars but maybe it all worked out for the best

I could have gone to the best university in the country for creative writing but I made my choice and I declined both offers because the course of my life precluded any chance of me getting triple A

bUT if I hadn't gone through what I'd been through I wouldn't have got an offer from Bath Spa and idk what will happen it may not be a russell group uni but it was still ranked 22nd best for creative writing and as long as we get three Bs I won't have to live without georgerai my human antidepressant so I have hope that maybe this time next year I'll be free of drugs and maybe I'll cut my hair to shoulder length to let it thicken again maybe I'll embrace my thinning curls who knows

when my masochistic desires surface I like to torture myself by looking at pictures of my hair when I was in new york 

look how sassily the cluster moves with my shoulder and staircases down my spine to an unapologetic black blade of tapering tenebrosity

I know its probably hard to relate and I dont expect you all to understand but I worked so hard to get to where I am today
Four years of oppression due to the stigma of having a masculine facial features but long hairs sprouting from the top
Four years of looking after you and not severing you despite continual perpetual social pressure

 and THIS is how you repay me??????

I took this today and all I can say is LOOK AT ALL THOSE GAPS

but can we just take a minute to appreciate my hair fresh out the salon this time two weeks ago 

I wish you guys could have felt the gothic aura </3 charlotte bronte is probably writhing in her grave right now at what has become of her legacy but I'm sorry

lmao can you imagine the bronte sisters today they'd be strolling round the yorkshire moors in their studded laced boots and smoky eyeliner and tenebrous eyeshadow how dare I stereotype like this I hope I delete this before I press publish

what you guys just witnessed there was a surruptitious metaliterary selfreferential allusion whereupon I so remorselessly admit that this is just a piece of writing but I will not be bound by the limitations of the conventions of genre and gender woah getting suprameta here I think I just invented a new literary technique guys suprametafiction: the existential exploration of genre within a genre a kind of literature inception if you may

I think every book you read changes you and what youre witnessing is an irrepressible writing energy fresh from finishing the girl on the train so I'm wondering if you guys notice any change in my style/ voice/ idk??

I was so sad when I started writing this but now I'm happy and to all my readers I hope to enshrine you with some of this dusky euphoria because I believe in you and its because of you that I feel like this so thank you for being the best blog readers a doodle could ever dream of x x x

word of the blog: conciliatory
- I learnt this word from the girl on the train thus this word goes to queen morrison the best psycholinguistics teacher ever

oh and what you just read was NYC the final chapter: part one of two...