the abhorrence of sanity

Guess who's back bitches 😎

 So I went to see a v v good private psychiatrist two weeks ago and he gave me an official diagnosis of depression, OCD and social anxiety (and asbergers) and prescribed me some drugs including an antipsychotic for schizophrenia for some reason???? But for the past two weeks Ive been taking an antidepressant drug called sertraline and its been making me feel calm but peak sick :( its supposed to take 2 or 3 weeks to work but Im seeing him again thursday but its not really working yet but today I have at least found the strength to type thus allow me to give you a brief insight into what its like to suffer from psychopathological neurosis:

On my eighth birthday I was diagnosed with Asberger's syndrome/ high functioning autism, its not too bad but all it means is that I'll only ever be in about three group chats in my entire life and Ill never get married because Ill die and my dogs will eat me and become zombie poodles and not know it. Although its just a social/ communication impairment the traits can manifest as a mild personality disorder (Im not even joking but their is a link between psychopathy and autism lol and u guys thought I was joking when my twitter bio was 'author to be of how to be a sociopath')

After studying OCD back in October 2015 in psychology I began to think ????? everything miss peq has just sed ????? its literally me ????? my entire life my brain has been exactly as she's describing ?????? thus I spoke to my GP and told him how'd Id been doing literally all the things my entire life but thought nothing of it and he wasn't quite convinced but was concerned was displaying traits of anxiety disorders/ depression so would get me a referral for it. So i spoke to this person and she was like ok idk what but I think you'd benefit from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) but the waiting list is peak bc nhs don't like wasting their funds on sick neurotic children so I returned to the GP just before christmas and she gave me the drugs but I freaked out when I took it and side effects caused me to basically have a panic attack for 6 hours and then I checked the side effects and saw hair loss and I just thought ok no bitch is taking my hair from me but me Im outta here 
Admittedly its only reported in 1% of patients but I read all SSRIs cause it and I felt so sick to my soul this was not a good experience if anyone in the hoodlum ever offers you citalopram (celexa) say no kids this drug is not the one.

But its so weird to think that theres this drug in my bloodstream classed as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, meaning when my brain releases serotonin and tries to reabsorb it theres something that goes 'um woAh wait a minute serotonin BITCH DONT YOU GO BACK THERE stay out roam around but don't you let that bitch brain reabsorb you bitch'

but yeah my depression kind of peaked around december so christmas was not so great but I did get a v beautiful turtleneck :3

i can't quite say when but i began to realise I was loosing my personality around the same time I began to think what would happen if i just let the road that killed snowsephine take me with it. this time my fingers took an extra moment to ambivalently hover before the traffic light button but feeling repelled like magnets press the traffic light and my footsteps became somewhat shallower and slower, as if trying to inadvertently coerce me to fall. 

But what I was really loosing wasn't my personality;

nor was it my sanity:

it was my capacity for emotion.

Depression isn't just perpetual sadness; its an opressive veil of repression that masquerades all your emotions but guilt, remorse, regret, contempt, and tears 

Over the months since my last blog my tears became more tenuous and shallow and forced until the river that was the sadness in my soul dried up as I shed my final trickle of a tear 

but then even they fade until all that remains is apathy and a repressed desperation to feel something, but no strength left to do anything about it

Its sad because the loss of emotions was a nice escape from the perpetual irrevocable self deprecation and sadness but I can't even cry anymore; the last time I cried was when my mother told me about her struggle with depression (lmao my mother has beautiful facial features you wouldn't believe how ugly I am if you saw her but what did I inherit  from her?? hereditary clinical depression thanqs mum) and she said the one thing that kept her going was snowy but she's dead and theres no-one in the world with her metaphysical level intelligence 

and its sad because just a few months ago I knew my dream was to study English Literature - a subject about human emotion - and to have a BA Degree in creative writing at the university of Birmingham so I could someday create something that incites the most powerful thing of the mind (emotions) but just two days ago I sat in the english team base office from 2-4:30pm to do the exam and I just couldn't write a thing :(( the exam paper is about love through the ages and I have no idea what that even is anymore so I left the blank papers on the desk and left

but just as I was about to leave the browsbing appeared <3<3 and she was v kind but told me to hand my exam to mrs t in the class so I went and said thank you and she saw there was nothing and I felt so bad but she said its no problem but Id just sat there for three hours and let one of the kindest people down :(( but the next day she called my mother and agreed to let me move to her class for coursework!!!!! But I don't know what that's gonna do because there'll be all the nice people from my class last year but I can't physically do the work and Im not allowed to be entered for the exam if I don't do my coursework and I have no chance of being accepted by any uni so idek why Im even doing a levels

but as it turns out what kills me is the burden of my sanity and the hyper-awareness of my illness as my hippocampus decays with the depths of depression and my memories become futile as I forget what I felt and what it was to once feel. 

so this is why I fuel my bloodstream with drugs everyday: to fabricate a facade of emotion so I can become a (pseudo)borderline-normal human being once again  

word of the blog: psychoneurosis
- the state of awareness of your sickness, in contrast to a psychosis such as schizophrenia whereupon a sufferer becomes so out of touch with reality they've lost all sense of the fragile demarcation that separates normality from abnormality and reality from surreality  

also I may have just discovered the best blog in the world please read this
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

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